Why me, Why now?

All I have heard is someone stole my innocence, someone abused you, someone beat me, someone used me, someone took advantage of me, someone tortured me, someone treated me like hell. But the one thing that I have not heard is that someone has changed me. For the last several months I become something that I never was before. Something that I hear how I am no longer there, no longer the man I used to be, how my wife is getting tired of doing things alone and just how much she is alone in this house. I have heard from the kids how they think I am doing a lot of this to get attention, comments like at lease I am not afraid to go out, had the depression tossed into my face, had them all become so upset that they stop talking to me. They get upset with me because of the medication and how it makes me sleep. They tell me to go take my meds when I am feeling low, they tell me to go take my meds when I am hurting or upset. They tell me I take to many meds.

I know that if I continued about how I was treated I could write a book. Most kids are petrified of a cellar because of the darkness; we had an attic where I was locked in many times with no lights. The sex was the fear, but so was the beatings, spitting into my mouth over and over as he held me down. Putting his finger in his anus and putting his finger into my mouth, eating worms there was a ton of stuff. And yes, I have has all this buried for many years. Mother always told me to get over it, bite it off, one day I would grow up and be able to beat him up. Maybe that’s what helped me bury it for many years. Maybe that was my hope that I would be able to do to him what he did to me one day.

And now, all these years later it has all come to haunt me in ways that I could never imagine. When I was in the hospital, My wife told me how she cried herself to sleep, I am not the man she married, and she needs the man she married to be there now. Why can’t I do some of the things I need to do, why can’t I think some of the things I thought? We married for better or for worse but what happens when worse become hell? What happens when the hell becomes mental abuse for her? She will deny it but when she has to get so pissed off and angry just to get me out of bed you cannot tell me that in her mind I am doing just that. And it does not matter what has happened or is happening.

 Is this the man I have now become? Is this the man she is now married to? She tells me we will get thru this, but how long will it take? How many days, months or worse yet years will we loose because of what I am going thru?  She can’t handle me now and I know she is loosing control of her strength that she uses to support me and her mother. I wish she would not yell at me as much. So I guess that goes back to my question that made me start this letter, I am on a path to becoming suicidal? Am I starting to give up? Am I just feeling so unable to be helped? Are these head aches becoming to much? Am I becoming to depressed or is the change in meds doing this to me? I have no idea but all I know is I am truly tired and feel weak but I don’t want to lay down. I so don’t want to fall asleep but I have no choice. I have to face what my mind has in store for me this I know…..

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