Did Pat Benatar sing about Surviving?

Pat Benatar, Hell is for Children:

They cry in the dark, so you can't see their tears
They hide in the light, so you can't see their fears
Forgive and forget, all the while

Love and pain become one and the same,
In the eyes of a wounded child

Because Hell, Hell Is For Children
And you know that their little lives can become such a mess
Hell, Hell Is For Children
And you shouldn't have to pay for your love with your bones and your flesh

It's all so confusing, this brutal abusing
They blacken your eyes, and then apologize
Be daddy's good girl, and don't tell mommy a thing
Be a good little boy, and you'll get a new toy
Tell grandma you fell off the swing


       And old song written in 1981, almost 30 years ago for an old problem that still happens today, behind closed doors and still kept a secret. A song whose very first two lines describe how a child deals with their abuse but it really goes one step further. If you read those two lines and place it in the context of a survivor who has not yet began their road to recovery or one who is just starting out, they too hide in the dark and hide in the light. This is how they keep their abuse a close secret. This is how Love and Pain became one in the same in the eyes of a child and is scary as an adult. What was once a way to hide the scars of the abuse has now become the way to hide the scares of the past. It is driven into us to forgive and to forget because a majority of the abusers are family or friends and at a young age it is very confusing between right and wrong most of the time. Anger is something that at an early age we learn however it is not till we are a little older where we learn to focus and direct this feeling. It is because of this that as children we think if we forget we have forgiven.

       As we grow older, we learn that to forget and forgive are actually two different concepts. The phrase "I forgive you but will never forget" becomes something that is so real in ones mind because it was family or a close friend we were required to forgive them yet we all know is something we will never forget. This actually becomes an issue when one starts out on the road to recovery. While the first step to recovery is to admit you were abused, the results of this opening is anger, a feeling that has laid so low in our souls just smoldering waiting for the day it can be released. You see, for some people, all this time they loved, cared for and even looked up to their abusers because they really did not know what happened. Some people knew what happened, however because it was family it was hard to walk away or even tell someone in fear of hurting their abuser. Then there are the few, who knew it was wrong and was able to stand up to them by telling someone about the abuse, but no matter where you fit in all this the little flame of anger still smolders inside us. Once we admit the abuse and start to deal with it, the anger we maybe once felt, feel or never felt begins to grow, bigger and larger till we start to become confused as if we really forgave them and then the question, did I ask for it or did I want it to happen. Even though these questions are never true that an abused person is never a willing person. Forgive me if I coin a phrase "You can't rape the willing" is a phrase that is so true. If you were willing then it would not have been abuse and it would not be so painful to look back, and believe me if you had to close your eyes, picture something else during, asked no, cried, screamed, felt dirty or ran away to anyplace you could find to hide then it was not willing.

       Oh yes, don't tell anyone and you will get a new toy or if you tell I will hurt you even more. Each a way to stop you from coming forward either by a gift to make it look like it was okay or a threat that made you think and fear your abuser. When you are a child your life does become such a mess. For me, I withdrew from friends, my grades dropped, I was sent to the doctor because I became unruly in class where I could not sit down, pay attention or could not stop trying to be the center of attention. Of course back then the teachers were not trained to look for signs of abuse because it was such a taboo and discipline was still accepted and okay to be harsh. Yet in the song we can see where becoming a mess can also relate to recovery. When we embark on our road to recovery we are filled with emotions we can't control, depression that consumes us, and memories that make us want to run all over again or worst yet hurt ourselves or others. And again in most cases today, families still carry the attitude of don't tell or say that it was something by someone other then who it really was. Recently I read on a blog where a distant family member asked that the blogger not write so much because it was hurting the family, the blogger did the member the favor. Later he realized he was doing just what he had been doing for so many years, telling people he got hurt by a whole other means or not talking at all.

       One of the hardest steps in any recovery is admitting that you were abused, and when I say abused I mean really abused. Not just a topical abuse but a deeper, painful and life changing abuse. What once was a very innocent little child or a wonderful adult abused at the hands of another it is a life that is changed forever. The person will never view life or people the same as they did, it will change the path of growing old and it will alter their personality. If you really think about it, Abuse is one thing that can really change the future without any doubt. But the decision to get help, to admit there is a problem, to get where you can stand up and say "I was abused and I am not going to let it run my life anymore" is the one chance that YOU have to change the future from the path that the abuser set you out on. It is your chance to make a choice to get off that path and create one of your own. Until next time.....

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