Don't trust the box.

     Be it Christmas, a Birthday or any other reason to receive a gift there is one thing my Children have always said, "Don't Trust the Box!” The reason they have come to learn this phrase is that my family reuses boxes from just about anything as long as the gift will fit. So if my youngest daughter receives a new coffee pot for Christmas it's one of those "Don't Trust the Box" moments. The real surprise comes when she opens it to find a doll inside the whole story changes. This phrase can be used in a lot of situations, and one of them is that of an abused person.

       Someone who has been abused has learned to hide the visible signs and scars of the abuse as well as the emotional ones that run deep inside. They become masters of disguise and masters of illusions keeping their secret so well that not even the closest of person will have any clue that there is a secret being kept from them. The other part of this is those who are on their road to recovery do not look sick, and aside from being really depressed show no signs of any internal confusion, hurting, memory problems or any other sign that they are truly sick and suffering from something that can be so debilitating, so horrifying that they actually have problems dealing with life, society and one's self. Dealing with the past is a heavy road to travel, marked with unknowns, uncertainties, and fears of what might come up or when. This becomes a major problem when they are faced with situations that are often triggering to them that can come from the weirdest of places. For example, walking down the mall and seeing someone who walks the same as their abuser, someone who has the same type of hair, some sounds they hear in the back of a store or conversation as they walk by can trigger them or worse yet there could be someone who looks just like the person who abused them in the past. And if this abused person is hiding their past from the world what happens next is what every abused person deals with, to hide the reaction and deal with it on their own inside. Eventually it becomes a boiling pot that with each experience becomes ready to explode.

       One thing that very few people who have been abused is talk about their past, tell loved ones, or straight out deal with their past. Of all this the hardest thing to do is tell someone they love that they were abused especially if it is someone that they know or if it is a family member. Remember the phrase "Blood is thicker that water" well in many cases when the truth does come out the abused person is met with disbelief or even doubt that the abuser could be capable of this. This reaction can be very devastating to the one who is opening up because that little doubt or question they always carried if they asked for it or not only becomes stronger. This only forces the truth to become more silent or what has come out becomes less and less of the whole story and more of what was said is about it. They in protecting themselves from the pain of it all will also begin to protect the very person that abused them and this sometimes is how it goes on.

       Receiving this reaction is not always the reaction that some abused people get. They receive understanding and love like you would not believe. When I told my wife, her opinion of me never changed in fact it grew stronger because I could gather up the courage to allow her into my soul where the darkest of darkest secrets lied. It was a gift to me to have such understanding and support which was something that I really did not expect. Even after all these years it is hard to believe with all that I am going through that she is still standing by me. One of the fears I have is that she might not understand me any more or worse yet that she is going to leave me. Not because she treats me bad, not because she does not accept me, but rather inside of how I feel what I am going through scares me. We have been married 20 years and with our children still living at home, she has become mother, father, wife, babysitter and everything else that goes on what a stay at home mother does. Mother’s taxi is no longer the job she ran. She now runs mothers counseling center, mothers nursing services, as well as every other job you can think of that a wife does. Becoming so depressed and debilitating from the breakdown has changed my life into something I don't want to be, however it has also tossed her life into more positions in the house, more confusion and carries fears of loosing her husband that man she married so many years ago.

       Abuse as a child that is carried so deep for so long can really change a person, a relationship and most of all their minds. It becomes a sickness rather then memories in the mind, one that not all people fully recover from or that not all medications help. Marriages, friendships, family, jobs and other social events can become a thing of the past if not treated correctly. The most important thing is that the right people, who actually know how to listen, diagnose and treat a person for what they are dealing with are found. For years I had PTSD, then I met my current team of doctors and counselor who was able to see the truth of what was going on with me. My PTSD was really Complex PTSD, I suffered from DID and this all was contributing to my Major Depression. Although I am still dealing with this and in the true beginning stages of my recovery I am blessed to have my Wife who attends all my appointments as she stands by my side, to have an excellent team and the blessing of some family members who understand. And most of all, I have God in my life even though it is hard for me to attend services with a large group of people. This Agoraphobia really helps to take its toll on someone who used to be very outgoing.

       With all this said when you are faced with someone who maybe acts or looks like they are afraid of something remember that phrase that my Children taught me many years ago, "Don't Trust the Box". Listen, keep an open mind and most of all don't judge a person you really don't know much about. The phrases "Don't judge a man till you walk a mile in his shoes" or "Really listen before you make your first impression" stand out in my mind. I hope this is something that will stand out in your mind as well. Till Next Time....


      

Comments

Kellie said…
I am one that you cannot "trust the box" with. Not many know my past and I rarely let anyone past the wrapping. It is so hard after the abuse to be free. I am better than I was, but still healing after 23 years from when I first told what happened.

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