Say hello to my Little Friend...
Say hello to my little friend, a phrase that was coined in a movie that has become very popular. So why do these six little words make me feel weird, different and somewhat scared? All my adult life I was told that I sometimes acted like a little kid, I must have an inner child that likes to take over my body and play games. I would laugh it off, sometimes even joking about it or even playing around a little more acting just as a child would. So what's the big deal right? Everyone has a little child inside of them when they want to get away from the stress and anxiety that go along with being an adult. That one moment where they can break free and just become someone they are not.
So why do I bring this up or even mention it? What is the big deal about a person who likes to joke or play around a little? The real reason I bring this up is there are a couple Little Friends that can be discussed, your inner child and your Inner Child. I know, you just read that sentence over again and asked yourself, what is the difference between inner child and Inner Child except that the last one has capital letters? If you are someone who has been abused or suffer from some form of PTSD then you already know the difference. But why would someone have to be either of those to see the difference, are they not spelled the same or even used in the same context? The answer to this is actually no, and this is something that I learned during a couple hospital stays while going through my treatments after my breakdown back in February.
During my first hospital visit one Physiatrist asked me some interesting questions. Have I ever felt like I lost time, forgot doing or saying something, maybe purchased something and when I got home did not remember putting it into my cart or little things like that. I thought nothing of it and answered honestly yes to some of his questions. His words back to me was something I had never heard before, It sounds like you have Disassociation Disorder. Okay, if you think so what ever that is and if that can help me get better then I will go along with that. It was not till my second hospital stay three months later that I would come face to face with those two words again, and this time I would be in such a state of shock it still after five months has me wondering what is really going on with me.
During one of our sessions with my Physiatrist he often noticed that I would seem to drift off, or space out while we were talking. I would continue to talk but time stopped and I did not remember talking to him during the moments that time stopped. What he did next was about to change my life forever. He saw that I was starting to slip away and he said he was going to ask a question and just say the very first thing that comes to my mind no matter what it was, so I agreed what the heck. Then after a few minuets he asked, is there another person living inside of me, BAM first thought, yes. OK, my mind is playing games but I can go along with it. Then the questions continued for a little while and I played along thinking this is either a joke or my mind is playing games with me. But then he asked a question that would make my jaw drop, shock would set in, my mind would become very confused and I began to wonder what just happened. He asked if this little person had a safe place in my mind that he goes to; the answer I gave was something that I would have never given if you had paid me a million dollars. A place that I had forgotten about many years ago and never thought of again, the dugouts at the baseball field. Oh My God was my reaction as I snapped right out of out conversation, I used to go there to get away when I needed to be alone or to get away from some of the problems I was dealing with.
What he said to me is that I have Disassociation Disorder, where my mind stops living at a certain time in my life and in my minds way of protecting myself stays at the age where something very traumatizing happened to me. For the next couple days all I did was walk around the hospital speaking the only word I could, WOW. I even went to my counselor session and spend a half hour staring at the wall repeating over and over the word, wondering if I had gone off the deep edge or not. After the initial shock wore off I had come to terms that I had an Inner Child inside me who could actually speak and now explained a lot of my past feelings where I could not explain them before. The next step was to try and find out who this child was, how old, or anything I could find out about him. It took me two days to actually sit down and try to communicate and sure enough I was getting replies and did not know where they were coming from.
The Inner Child was eight years old, wait, I was only one month shy of becoming eight years old when my first sexual abuse assault took place. The next thing I found out was that he wanted to be called Keith, why Keith I have no idea but this made me realize that this Inner Child, or Alter as they are called, had a personality all its own. Was this really happening? Did I just meet my true inner child and has he been all this time trying to speak out through feelings I could not explain, bouts of depression that just come on for no reason and leave just as fast? After speaking to my Doctor, all those questions were answered with a simple Yes.
It has been five months now since Keith has come into my life. He introduced me to a second alter who I call Robert. Robert is my trouble maker and when I am feeling like causing trouble it is often him who is behind this. How do I know this, I mean I now have an excuse to do things and on my medical records it says I have Disassociation Disorder. Well, they are both real and very much alive in my mind. They each have their own personality and at times they do make themselves known, in fact most of the time they talk to my wife because I am in what the Doctor called a self hypnotic state of mind where time stops for me and I do not recall the conversation at all. When I was around 13 years old when my Mother beat me with that wooden spoon, I lost all memory of the beating that went on for just a minute or two. What I do remember was the last strike on my thigh when this 1/4 inch in diameter spoon broke. I know I was not crying and this made mother more upset. This was the last time I cried until the rape at age 15, and even after that right up till today I have not been able to cry. Not when any of my parents passed away, no reason could make me shed a single tear. However, when Keith comes forward and talks to my wife I cry, I shed tears, and in some cases I cry so hard that I am afraid I am not going to stop even after I snapped back I continued to cry and this I actually became afraid.
Living with Disassociation Disorder has been a learning experience for me and my family. It not only explains to them why I am the way I am but it makes it more clear to me why I do the things I do. It was very hard to accept for me in the beginning and has been a long process for my family to come to terms with it as well. I never know when they will pop up, I know when they want to come out or are on their way out but to call them or expect them to be there at snack time, it just does not work that way for me. Until I get to knowing them more through time and learn how to really work together with them it is going to be a learning experience for everyone involved, My Alters, Family and I. In a way I look forward to getting to know them but on the other hand I am still afraid to know about them and what they know. But time will tell and as with any healing it's one day at a time, one step at a time. Till next time....
So why do I bring this up or even mention it? What is the big deal about a person who likes to joke or play around a little? The real reason I bring this up is there are a couple Little Friends that can be discussed, your inner child and your Inner Child. I know, you just read that sentence over again and asked yourself, what is the difference between inner child and Inner Child except that the last one has capital letters? If you are someone who has been abused or suffer from some form of PTSD then you already know the difference. But why would someone have to be either of those to see the difference, are they not spelled the same or even used in the same context? The answer to this is actually no, and this is something that I learned during a couple hospital stays while going through my treatments after my breakdown back in February.
During my first hospital visit one Physiatrist asked me some interesting questions. Have I ever felt like I lost time, forgot doing or saying something, maybe purchased something and when I got home did not remember putting it into my cart or little things like that. I thought nothing of it and answered honestly yes to some of his questions. His words back to me was something I had never heard before, It sounds like you have Disassociation Disorder. Okay, if you think so what ever that is and if that can help me get better then I will go along with that. It was not till my second hospital stay three months later that I would come face to face with those two words again, and this time I would be in such a state of shock it still after five months has me wondering what is really going on with me.
During one of our sessions with my Physiatrist he often noticed that I would seem to drift off, or space out while we were talking. I would continue to talk but time stopped and I did not remember talking to him during the moments that time stopped. What he did next was about to change my life forever. He saw that I was starting to slip away and he said he was going to ask a question and just say the very first thing that comes to my mind no matter what it was, so I agreed what the heck. Then after a few minuets he asked, is there another person living inside of me, BAM first thought, yes. OK, my mind is playing games but I can go along with it. Then the questions continued for a little while and I played along thinking this is either a joke or my mind is playing games with me. But then he asked a question that would make my jaw drop, shock would set in, my mind would become very confused and I began to wonder what just happened. He asked if this little person had a safe place in my mind that he goes to; the answer I gave was something that I would have never given if you had paid me a million dollars. A place that I had forgotten about many years ago and never thought of again, the dugouts at the baseball field. Oh My God was my reaction as I snapped right out of out conversation, I used to go there to get away when I needed to be alone or to get away from some of the problems I was dealing with.
What he said to me is that I have Disassociation Disorder, where my mind stops living at a certain time in my life and in my minds way of protecting myself stays at the age where something very traumatizing happened to me. For the next couple days all I did was walk around the hospital speaking the only word I could, WOW. I even went to my counselor session and spend a half hour staring at the wall repeating over and over the word, wondering if I had gone off the deep edge or not. After the initial shock wore off I had come to terms that I had an Inner Child inside me who could actually speak and now explained a lot of my past feelings where I could not explain them before. The next step was to try and find out who this child was, how old, or anything I could find out about him. It took me two days to actually sit down and try to communicate and sure enough I was getting replies and did not know where they were coming from.
The Inner Child was eight years old, wait, I was only one month shy of becoming eight years old when my first sexual abuse assault took place. The next thing I found out was that he wanted to be called Keith, why Keith I have no idea but this made me realize that this Inner Child, or Alter as they are called, had a personality all its own. Was this really happening? Did I just meet my true inner child and has he been all this time trying to speak out through feelings I could not explain, bouts of depression that just come on for no reason and leave just as fast? After speaking to my Doctor, all those questions were answered with a simple Yes.
It has been five months now since Keith has come into my life. He introduced me to a second alter who I call Robert. Robert is my trouble maker and when I am feeling like causing trouble it is often him who is behind this. How do I know this, I mean I now have an excuse to do things and on my medical records it says I have Disassociation Disorder. Well, they are both real and very much alive in my mind. They each have their own personality and at times they do make themselves known, in fact most of the time they talk to my wife because I am in what the Doctor called a self hypnotic state of mind where time stops for me and I do not recall the conversation at all. When I was around 13 years old when my Mother beat me with that wooden spoon, I lost all memory of the beating that went on for just a minute or two. What I do remember was the last strike on my thigh when this 1/4 inch in diameter spoon broke. I know I was not crying and this made mother more upset. This was the last time I cried until the rape at age 15, and even after that right up till today I have not been able to cry. Not when any of my parents passed away, no reason could make me shed a single tear. However, when Keith comes forward and talks to my wife I cry, I shed tears, and in some cases I cry so hard that I am afraid I am not going to stop even after I snapped back I continued to cry and this I actually became afraid.
Living with Disassociation Disorder has been a learning experience for me and my family. It not only explains to them why I am the way I am but it makes it more clear to me why I do the things I do. It was very hard to accept for me in the beginning and has been a long process for my family to come to terms with it as well. I never know when they will pop up, I know when they want to come out or are on their way out but to call them or expect them to be there at snack time, it just does not work that way for me. Until I get to knowing them more through time and learn how to really work together with them it is going to be a learning experience for everyone involved, My Alters, Family and I. In a way I look forward to getting to know them but on the other hand I am still afraid to know about them and what they know. But time will tell and as with any healing it's one day at a time, one step at a time. Till next time....
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