Road to Recovery: My own thoughts along my path.

            After a long time waiting for ECT to help me start to deal with my depression, I actually had my first treatment today. I’m not sure if it was what I expected, in fact it was way different and from what I read it’s almost as if nothing happened. Almost as if I went into the room where they do the procedure, they put me to sleep and I just woke up. However, they did to the treatment and I only wonder if the remaining will be the same as the first one of if they will become more noticeable to me when I wake.             First off, I already mentioned that on Wednesday I had a series of tests done to make sure my body could handle to procedure. Well, Thursday just prior to going to bed the nurse came and put in an IV stint. I was not sure why they put this in, but I assume it was just incase something happened during the procedure or what, but they put it in anyway and I fell off to sleep.             This morning I was awakened at 6:30 and they took my vitals, which they do

            It’s just after dinner and I decided to bring my computer out and check out my own Facebook to see what’s going on out in the real world. I have been pretty quiet most of the day and basically sleeping all day. Dealing with the confusion has drained me and just brought in more depression. What I can’t believe is the lack of compassion or understanding from the staff on this floor. The floor I am on is the Psychiatric floor of the local hospital. I turned on my computer and went to look at the Facebook that is linked to this blog and a nurse decided to look over my shoulder.             The one nurse that did ask about the title of the last blog post and what happened. She tried to brush it off and told me that she looked and saw nothing about what was written. I tried to explain to her I met with my social worker who showed it to me during our meeting. One of the nurses who were in the intake overheard the nurse and I talking and piped up that it was being handled and that

            Last time I blogged I spoke about how my day of check in went which was on Tuesday December, 7 th and the first full day on the floor on Wednesday. What I did not write was that after I posted my blog I met with the social worker on the floor. She asked me pretty much the same questions however she read that the intake nurse put into her notes that I raped my sister. Say WHAT???             During the intake process, after telling her about my CSA and how my brother forced my sister and I to engage in sexual intercourse she wrote that I raped my sister. All the abuse started with me raping my little sister. I have no idea how she could come up with this type of conclusion and she has or had no idea what that has done to me, how could a nurse on a mental ward not be able to understand what I was telling her or was she listening at all. Was this nurse so confused. I was not able to sleep a wink very well last night and oh did the nightmares creek into my sleep. What really

            It has been a couple days since I have blogged, and I just wanted to explain why I have not been on. I have finally been admitted to the hospital to start my ECT treatments that I have been waiting for. The amount of depression that I have been writing about over the last two months just has become so overwhelming that I have kept pushing for this because the amount of medications I am on has not cutting it for me. Yesterday on my daughters ninth birthday, they found a bed and I took advantage of it.             Checking in was just like checking into any normal hospital for an expected procedure with questions of past and history. They took all my vitals and given a tour of the floor where everything is located, given a room and allowed to settle in. I ended up going to sleep about 9pm and woke up beginning at 9am. I was woke up for blood work and fell right back to sleep, several minuets I was woken for a chest and spinal e-ray which again came back and fell a sleep, sam

            I was abused! In order to start to heal I need to admit what happened in my past was real and was not my fault. I will heal from this! In order to heal I have to set a goal and remind myself daily that I am going to reach this goal. I will be there for you during my recovery! I need to promise, no I mean comfort you, wait I mean tell you… I am hurting so bad that it is so hard to be there for you when you need me. That sounds more like what needs to be said when the realization of Child Abuse comes out as if you were just hit a brick wall, during a foot race in the middle of the night, out in the country where there are no street lights. It never happens when your expecting it or ready for it to come out and the news hits you harder then learning a parent has passed away, at least you can understand why they passed away, but not that the inner child in you was killed and you forgot all about it when you realize that it now explains how you have been living your life.