Road to Recovery: My own thoughts along my path.

"Sometimes. hits me in the morning, hits me at night  That I cannot turn back the years  So I look out my window, turn off my light  But I cannot turn back the years"   Phil Collins     Everyone wishes they can turn back the hands of time on some event in their lives, this is especially true for those who suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Where a certain event or series of events in that persons life has caused so much trauma that it literally changes their lives forever.     For me, I live this dream on a daily basis as I cannot escape the effects that these events has had on me ever since I was a child. Turning back the clock would only be a dream come true, however which point to turn it to I could not even begin to figure out. My memories go so far back that they become distorted to the point of confusion putting events into a single timeline. What I thought may have happened at five years old, may have actually happened at eight years

     Today I found I have an anchor that keeps me in the state of depression that I am in, it's called flashbacks. Images and vivid thoughts of the past that keep me haunted by the trauma I suffered at the hands of others and things that I have done to others.      On Sunday I did what I set out to do, and that was to attend church, to get out of the house and try and start fighting my fears. It was a major step for me and while I was proud of myself and what I did, I sat there having flashbacks where I never thought I would. I fought them and stayed, I did not leave nor did I allow myself to seep into the depths of depression however they were and are very vivid. I can remember going to confession over my past because my parents made me feel that it was my fault and I needed to confess my sins. I could remember the priest asking me to give details on what I had done and having to explain to him everything. I think this is why as an adult and church I am afraid to go to confessio

     They say that everyone who suffers from depression needs a safe spot in their surroundings or someplace in their mind where they can go to get away from the feelings and thoughts that occur. Counselors and therapist will try and help you create or build that spot with you when discuss grounding, or keeping in touch with reality. But what happens when that safe spot no longer works or makes you feel safe, but rather becomes part of the main source of the pain. What happens when the happy memories are tarnished by bad thoughts.      Some of my fondest memories are not that of being a child but rather then being a young adult. The safe spot, where support and good thoughts meant to bring one out of depression only now are complicated with fears and rejection. I understand the reasons behind the change, however to try and recreate a new safe spot after all this time becomes more of a job rather then a work of art in my mind. When I was down, drifting or disassociating my main suppor

     I just got done watching a basket ball game between my hometown Syracuse and Duke on the television. Throughout the game is was back and forth, very close and in the end you might say it was an "Edge of your seat" kind of game. Towards the very end when it was a 2 point game with only 5.5 seconds left and Syracuse was leading while Duke had the ball, knowing from past games, anything could happen. A simple 3 point shot would have won Duke the game.      While I was standing there watching two free throw shots at the 5.5 second mark my heart was racing, I had a lump in my throat, I was shaking, my mind was racing with what could happen at any moment, I had that empty pit in my stomach feeling. Would Duke throw a 3 point shot and Syracuse would loose or would we be able to block them and go on to win the game. I was not in control of the game, I was not in control of the players actions, I could not control the game I had no control of what the outcome would be. Stress w

     One of the best ways to get past a bout of depression is to have some type of support system in place when you are feeling down about yourself. Someone who you can call to talk to, someone who is willing to just listen no matter what the situation is. A support person is someone who in times of crises can be there to let you know that everything is okay and that with everything going on in your life that you will be okay. This can be a close friend, family member or even your counselor.      But what happens when you don't have that support in your life, or the person you have begins to not know what to say or can't listen anymore to your problems because for example, they become too over whelming for them to deal with? What happens when that support, or life line crashes and you have no where to turn for help? Basically your fears become that much stronger, your pain becomes that much stronger and fear of the unknown sets in. You become more a prisoner to your depressio

     In most all my blogs I have written I start to write about something and then take it into an educational kind of post, giving stats, studies and basically information about the topic I am writing about. Just like my last post, I started with how I was depressed and led into how depression works. Just like I am some type of professional on the subject when in fact everything is my own thoughts on things I have read put into my own words from memory. No, I do not just read on a subject and type about it, I just open the subject and let my mind work from there.      Tonight I just need to type my thoughts and feelings down on paper, or in blog form, to kind of get things off my head. I guess that is what I intended this blog to be about, the path I was taking to recover from my illness and put in out there for others to read to help them know they are not alone. But looking back, most posts are more informational then anything else. There really is not a lot of pages where it disc

     Depression, is that feeling in the pit of your stomach that controls everything else in your body. The way you think, the way you breath, the way your body reacts to situations and other feelings that are created by and in your mind.      Tonight boredom was a trigger for deep depression creating that empty feeling and thoughts that only created even more triggers for an even deeper depression. Depression is an illness that today is treated with many forms of medications. A trigger can either be a physical or mental action causing the mind to react in the form of depression. While everyone suffers with depression in different ways, the fact of the matter is that everyone deals with it at one point or another in their lives.      Depression is a medical condition, that when suffered on an almost daily basis, can be very debilitating to the person who suffers. Because of the feelings that are present during a state of depression, each controlled by the brain, it is considered a