In most all my blogs I have written I start to write about something and then take it into an educational kind of post, giving stats, studies and basically information about the topic I am writing about. Just like my last post, I started with how I was depressed and led into how depression works. Just like I am some type of professional on the subject when in fact everything is my own thoughts on things I have read put into my own words from memory. No, I do not just read on a subject and type about it, I just open the subject and let my mind work from there.
Tonight I just need to type my thoughts and feelings down on paper, or in blog form, to kind of get things off my head. I guess that is what I intended this blog to be about, the path I was taking to recover from my illness and put in out there for others to read to help them know they are not alone. But looking back, most posts are more informational then anything else. There really is not a lot of pages where it discusses where I am in my healing or where I am at in the process. Truth is, after years of counseling, therapy sessions and hospital stays I don't feel as if I am very far. I know I have made progress because topics discussed with my counselor are becoming deeper and eye opening, however it is the one step forward two backwards that hinders my life.
This evening we had a family counseling session that included my ex-wife and my children. It was hard because we discussed a bit about if I hold myself accountable for things that happened after my breakdown, to be exact the cause of my divorce of 22 years. I cried as I answered the question and I also cried as we discussed how I did not feel I was a good enough parent to my children because of my many fears that came from my illness. It was hard to admit these things, especially in front of the older children who were present because they were the ones who missed out on a real father growing up.
You see, I never played ball with my children. Although my children did not play sports, I never just went outside to play with them or even take them places like normal fathers do. My fears that I harbored inside were stronger then the love I had for my own children. Even going camping I would stay inside the camper during the day light and come out at night, most times when the kids went to bed. Not because I did not want to be with my children but because I was afraid to come outside. I guess this was the first true signs of my Agoraphobia even before my breakdown back in 2010. Now, four years later my Agoraphobia has become so bad that I do not even leave my apartment very often at all. I don't even go to the end of the walkway to get the mail, I have my son do it for me.
When someone suffers from a Major breakdown as I did, things change. Phobias and fears become stronger, memories and feelings become distorted, thoughts and actions become very unpredictable for a person and this is what happened to me. My actions, thoughts and feelings broke a 22 year marriage with some help of suggestion from readings, counselors and friends. It became difficult to sort things out, feelings and thoughts and under the power of suggestion I became a different person.
While in my mind I don't fully understand why I did things, said things or dealt with things the way I did it is still very hard to swallow the reactions that came as a result of my actions. I can see why and it makes sense why the reaction took place however if it's hard to understand the action then the reaction becomes very cloudy. And that's one of the biggest reasons I am typing this tonight because I am hurting really bad over the reaction of divorce that was stated to me.
As I had posted in a prior post, I had an affair that yielded a child and this is an action that was the cause of my divorce. While I do not dismiss the fact that it happened and I am not saying I did not do something wrong it is the events that lead up to it that I am so confused about. I was not out looking to have an affair, I was not out looking for a child, I was not out looking to leave my ex-wife. During the months that followed the breakdown I had told my ex how my feelings were becoming confusing to me. If I was with her, I loved her very much, needed her and thought about her however it was when she was not around it was as if the marriage did not exist. She claims I had read where those who suffer from PTSD and have memory loss they will actually forget they are married and because I had become suggestive and this was where this came from, however I can't believe that a suggestion would have made me do this. One reason I am so confused over my actions and how I became the person I am today.
So why do I even bring this up tonight and why am I hurting so much if I know what the actions were and I understand the reactions to the events that took place. Words, in explaining to the counselor tonight I realized while I was abused by my parents and that my father abused my mother, I did the exact same thing to my ex during the divorce. The one thing I said I would never do was become someone who abused someone, and verbally I did just that. After my breakdown I was diagnosed with Dissociation Identity Disorder (DID) which I had several alters, one of which was a very mean and angry side to me. This side was very verbal and mean to my ex and made no point in expressing these feelings of anger. This is one of the biggest problems I deal with is hearing the words "YOU" when she say's "you did it" because I don't remember or have very little recollection of actions.
With all that being said, when it was her turn to talk she explained how she divorced me for the children. Basically she divorced me to protect the children from me, the person I vowed never to become. She said it was because she did not want the kids to think what I did was okay and then referred to the fact my own father, while he abused my mother had an affair. She did not want our children to go out and feel it was okay to do this.
I guess the topic of an Abuser becomes an Abuser as they get older is not really a myth as I have been told. In my blog post written on November 23, 2010 titled "Abused to Abuser, is it a myth all the time" I realized tonight that she was sucked into my world of abuse and that in essence I have been abusing her all this time. The verbal abuse after my breakdown and eventual affair that caused our divorce was her own way of stopping it, and by saying she did it for the kids is her way of protecting them from me. What seemed normal prior and not so normal after was in fact not normal at all the whole time. And the bottom line is I am to blame, not my past, not my present and not any one person. I made the choices, I made the decisions and I am the one who proved it is not just a myth.....