On the day we brought our first child home I was hit with fears and some memories of my abuse. I took therapy for a couple years and although I continued to have fears I stopped going but it never kept me out of work or from the activities that I did. When my brother abused his son and I helped the police in their investigation giving a testimony about my Sexual Abuse at the hands of my brother and I ended up back into therapy after my mind released more memories of my past which I revealed to the officer. Again I was affected, took counseling and was not out of work or stopped activities in my life. In both situations I was not afraid to leave the house, not afraid of people around me; in fact I continued to live what I felt was a normal life. The third time was no charm, because this time I wasn't telling anyone anything, I was not afraid to handle my children, in fact I had no idea what was about to happen during a simple medical procedure that was so normal and widely used on thousands of people daily I am sure except this time thet procedure was performed on a survivor. The simple act of placing a rubber band on a single hemorrhoid not only would cause me to walk three days feeling that same exact feeling of when I was raped, but would have a major affect on my brain and my life. Major depression sat in after going through just about every flashback I could have, dreams turned into night terrors and I actually started to have suicidal ideation visions which in my state of depression I was so afraid I would act on them so I was checked into the hospital and spent seventeen days working on what was going on.
Prior to the floodgates opening I had been on meds for slight depression and mood changes that did come about after the first memories when we brought our daughter home. After the flood I was on very strong medications at some of the highest dosages as they tried to bring my depression down to a more manageable range yet this time it seemed that all the meds they tried on me did not work. When they finally found the perfect cocktail that worked they released me to go home, except this time I ended up on disability not going to work. Since then, they have added new meds, changed meds and have tried many different methods to stop my downward spiral I was on. Nothing seems to be working which is why ECT is now the next option. I have heard many good and bad things about this procedure and I will be honest I am somewhat afraid of how it will turn out once I start the treatments. I am the type of person who likes to research everything and one thing that I found about Major depression is that the mind is actually affected in a physical way as scans have showed where a certain part of the brain will actually become smaller but I have not been able to see if ECT changes any of this in any way. Another factor I have is the Disassociation Identify Disorder and how it will affect the alters I have as they have been filling gaps in my memory from my past. I actually learned a ton of information from them and this explained many questions I had, and not just information but information that included memories and images where I actually believe they are there and in someway are a part of me. I also feel that these alters protect me when a severe flashback occurs or when I am in counseling which is where they come forward the most. When they do come forward I have no memory of what they said but I am told it is during this switching that most of my information about my abuse is revealed.