Road to Recovery: My own thoughts along my path.

            Well a full week has passed and today I had my fourth ECT this morning. I understand that it was a good treatment with some good muscle movement which means that the stimulation is getting to the right levels. I am going to ask what the settings they have been using because this morning the Doctor said he was going to get a little more aggressive and turned the machine to 45. I doubt they go by volts but rather joules like on an AED machine so I wonder what the 45 means and what they were before.             Another thing I was advised is that once a note is written into notes in your medical record, it can never be removed. I learned this after a Counselor came to me to go over my treatment plan which after she handed to me to review. The first paragraph was written that I was forced to rape my sister while my father watched; I became so angry because not only did several nurses tell me that this was not true, but that the doctor called to have this removed from the recor

            I have found the reason for my depression yesterday and the same depression I am feeling today. In order for the ECT to work they have to take me off one of the mood stabilizers that I am on, which happens to be the same medication given to people who have seizures. This medication would cause a problem with the ECT as it causes seizures as the electric shocks trigger the brain. And just like the AED’s that are used when a person is having a heart attack by blocking the natural electricity to the heart, this is used to change the way that the electrodes pass through the brain that causes depression.             So as you can tell, today is another depressing day which happens a lot. I do also believe it is the lowered meds and having to be in the hospital for this has me doing a whole lot of thinking which for me is never good. I seem to be sitting here looking back over the last several years of my life and just how my past has affected me and my relationship with people,

            Sometimes life brings new challenges and other days it just brings what it brings. When we wake for the day we never know what the day has in store for us and it changes every step we take, every turn of the corner. Depression is the same way; you never know when it will hit and just how heavy it will bring you down when it does. One thing I wish that I could predict when it will hit so that I can let people ahead of time.             I planned on blogging last night, however I was trying to figure things out and lost time around the usual blogging time. By the time I realized that I needed to get my computer, they closed the day room here in the hospital. Last night was another hard night as for some reason I hit a bottom of depression, and as always it just came on for no reason at all. I ended up going to bed a little after 3 AM and kind of laid there for a little while before falling asleep. They came into my room about 6:30 AM to get me ready for my second ECT which w

            Today is Sunday afternoon and I am still in the hospital going for my second ECT in the morning. This evening they will come and put the IV Stint in where they placed the meds to put me to sleep. I think this time I am going to stop having anything to eat or drink after 7 PM this time. Now that I know what to expect I know just what to expect and what not to expect. We shall see.               Yesterday I went home on an eight hour pass, which was good to see the kids have not changed a whole lot. Wish they would step up and help their mother, especially when they know that Daddy is coming home for a visit. I was happy to see the driveway done from all the snow. I did not know we had that much snow on the ground and they are expecting much more over the next couple days. It’s the possibility of Freezing Ice that I did not go home on a pass today and the Doctor asked if I wanted to stay until Wednesday because of the bad weather we are suppose to get on Monday. It is so un