Road to Recovery: My own thoughts along my path.

      Living with several mental problems makes life so hard to the point that confusion, forgetfulness, constant fears and thoughts that run so fast it's sometimes hard to slow down just to hear what you are thinking. This is what is going on with me, living in a whirlpool everything I just mentioned and tossing in trying to live day to day. So why am I letting this continue instead of seeking treatment? Good question.      Now I am not bashing any organization but I live in New York. Now I have been disabled for over a year and a half and because of this I was put on medicaid. To my surprise there are no long term treatment centers in New York state. There are only acute centers and believe me I have called every center or hospital I could find on Yahoo. I found several top rated centers all across the country, even the one I was in last year called Sheppard Pratt. The kicker is New York Medicaid will only pay for services instate only. They will not cover any type of treatment

      What surprises me even more is the fact that I have an alter that is the same way and in fact hates my wife. Just within the last several months after moving out and letting my alters run wild my one alter took to one female friend of mine and we had an affair. I don't remember anything from it, how it started, how it progressed, who made the first mood or anything. This created a very bad situation for me because I feel I did nothing wrong even though I did do something wrong. One of the biggest problems I have and depresses me the deepest is that when my wife and I argue she always addresses me and YOU. You did this, you did that or you betrayed us. I automatically going into a defencive mode because I did not do this, and yet in some way I did do this because my alters are a part of me. But how does one control alters and stop them from doing as they please or stop them from the damage they create of broken hearts and broken dreams?      What scares me is that this alter

     Many historians will tell you in order to see into the future you need only look into the past, the past always repeats itself. Fact of the matter is the past not only can tell you the future but is so powerful that it can actually control the present. Many survivors will tell you that the past has played such a major roll in their lives, the way they live in the present has either been dictated by their past or plays out daily in almost everything they do.      This is something that has bothered me for many years, why today when I am faced with a situation my mind will resort to my past and the decision I make will be made based on past events, not information from today? Like a cornered dog will use his instinct to protect himself and fight to break free from harm, my reaction is to let harm happen afraid that it will hurt me more if I do not give in. For many years I have placed myself into these situations, almost seeking them out as if I don't I may end up in harms way

     Today I made a decision that I am going to leave my nest, my dark apartment and begin to reach out to friend and family on a new road. I spoke to a friend who sufferers from most of the same ailments that I do and found there are some new groups in the area, peer groups that she has been looking for someone to go with and see what they are all about. She had emailed me about one particular one in the city that is really new and sound very promising. I am thinking that I might consider it as long as she goes with me. My biggest problem is still Agoraphobia and Social Anxiety which really hinders going out to places. I know in my heart that one way to help in healing is by joining a group of fellow survivors were we can learn from each other and help walk the road alone.      I also contacted my family about integrating myself back into their lives. Running away from them I understand, in some cases, is a reaction of people who suffer with PTSD. I remember speaking to one survivor

     It has been a long time since I logged into my blog and posted something. From what it looks like it has been almost six months, and it is something that I should not have given up or stopped doing. Many things have happened, there have been some major changes and basically my life has gone to hell so to speak.      Since my last post, I have really strayed off the path of healing and taken a turn of self anger and almost refusal to want to heal. Frustration from the time it is taking to heal really effected my life in so many ways that the last six months could become a whole different blog within it's self with it's own topic. Last night I hit rock bottom that lasted thru my sleep on into the morning. I was filled with so much rage and anger, I was very much in denial about my problem, I blamed my medications for everything that has been going on, I canceled all my future appointments and wanted to just give up on everything. I believe now that the reason I have ended

            The following videos that were added tonight are videos that reflect my true feelings tonight. For all of us who have been abused it is true that someone ran away with our innocence, that there is a room full of broken halos. Every time we sit and either by choice or not, begin to reflect on our past it is true that they seem so much closer then they really are and this is one thing that is so hard to get over. And no matter what your belief is, if you have faith God will carry you through the pain of life and will lead the people to you who will help you on your journey. IF, only you believe…..

Yes, it has been almost a month since I have posted into my blog. It's not that I have not had enough to say but rather it has not been easy to get out into words. It has been a little over a month since my sixteen day hospital stay and I have lost count on how many ECT's I have had. I was at three a week, then down to two a week and now I am at once a week for what they call maintenance. I still cannot tell you what effect these treatments have had on me as of yet, and I am not sure what path I am truly walking down with these. What I do know is that my short term memory has been severally affected by them. I forget conversations, things I have talked about, things I have done and often even names and dates of things. It really is frustrating to go thru this because I know I am having problems bringing things to the front of my mind and no matter how much or how hard I think about it, I just cannot do it. It almost causes a headache trying to think as hard as I do because I k