Road to Recovery: My own thoughts along my path.

            Nothing puts a damper in something then finding out that someone you know has been touched by the same abuser as you. While growing up, there were several of his fiends involved it becomes pure shock to find out children left in the care of my Mother were abused as well. It becomes a realization that in fact no one was safe and as long as it met his personal needs, there was no regards for anyone’s feelings or what it would do to their futures.             Last night I spoke to a very close friend, although we don’t keep in contact faithfully, the relationship has always been like a younger brother to me and when ever we run into each other it’s as if we never loose contact. We became friends on the social network, Facebook and he happened to be on the chat so we started talking. With everything I have been through over the last ten months, I could not help but to ask him if my older brother had ever touched him, I had questioned it because he had grown up with the family

            When I was abused, it was not abuse but rather something that I asked for. When I was abused, it was not abuse because I always made myself available. When I was abused, it was not abuse because I never told so I must have liked it. When I was abused, it was not abuse because they loved me and when someone loves you the things they do can’t be bad it has to be good. When I was abused, a lot of the thoughts I had were just that and for that reason for years I felt dirty, ashamed and worst of all I felt I was to blame. I lived this way for many years, never telling anyone about my abuse, hiding it from the world because I did not want to be labeled something I was not and besides, my abuse was written across my forehead for others who wanted to abuse me. I was put on this earth to serve, to keep quiet, keep secrets and was never to go outside the family ring or else.             These are real feelings and thoughts I carried for most all of my life, including well into my ad

            When did we do that, seems to be the question I keep asking a lot these days, especially now that I have started my Electroconvulsive therapy (ECT). In fact, not only do I ask that question more often now I seriously have lost days from my memory as little as four days prior to my first treatment. It was something they said could happen, and I heard that everyone goes through it while having ECT but I did not expect how it would affect me or feel once it started with me.             On December 7 th I was admitted to the hospital around six o’clock in the evening, from the time I woke up till the time I arrived at the hospital is a total and complete blank. It is so blank, it is as if the whole day never happened and if it did I was not a part of it, or so I remember. Yet, everyone tells me what I did, I know we did purchase a snow blower, from where I have no idea, how we got it home is a nope either and getting it into the truck and all…. No way!! If not for the machin