Wednesday, July 13, 2011

DID also stands for Broken Hearts and Broken Dreams

     I have to admit that being diagnosed with DID, or Dissociative Identity Disorder, things tend to make a whole lot of sense now and yet I am still very upset and even depressed about them. I am still learning more about alters and just how they play a roll in my life and those who have posted their own experiences online for others to comment on. One message board I was reading tonight a woman was asking for help because one of her alters craves sexual pleasures and she has strayed away from her husband many times because of this. They are finding it very hard emotionally to work things out over this even though both are aware of her DID diagnosis. I was surprised how many people commented saying the same situation has happened to them.

     What surprises me even more is the fact that I have an alter that is the same way and in fact hates my wife. Just within the last several months after moving out and letting my alters run wild my one alter took to one female friend of mine and we had an affair. I don't remember anything from it, how it started, how it progressed, who made the first mood or anything. This created a very bad situation for me because I feel I did nothing wrong even though I did do something wrong. One of the biggest problems I have and depresses me the deepest is that when my wife and I argue she always addresses me and YOU. You did this, you did that or you betrayed us. I automatically going into a defencive mode because I did not do this, and yet in some way I did do this because my alters are a part of me. But how does one control alters and stop them from doing as they please or stop them from the damage they create of broken hearts and broken dreams?

     What scares me is that this alter is the strongest and often comes out, almost controlling my feelings every time I turn around or a conversation about the affair comes up. Just like the woman on the board she is ashamed, feels violated, is embarrassed especially since this is not the first time I can relate this to the very same alter. I always felt that there was a connection to my past on the sexual part of my life for example I thought I did not have a choice to say no however I had to say yes or become beaten in someway. But looking into my past and looking at this alter I realize he has been with me a very long time and he is in fact the one who cannot say no, which makes me wonder if I even make the first move because of some inside feeling that needs to be satisfied, and then feel like running all over again.

     Not saying no and wanting to run again, sounds like when I was younger living with my perpetrator. It was better to make myself available to him so he did not beat me and then I could go run and hide in my own bedroom or sometimes the bathroom as that provided the best protection for me.So why is it I have a problem saying no? Because my alter feels a need  to be satisfied. It really started on the internet and has moved onto real woman, some who even are aware of my illness. I do I stop this? Break away from the feelings this alter has, cant ruin my marriage over this or any other action of an alter.

     I have to agree with many people of this board and say that DID is very hard to live with. It's very hard to take punishment when you don't know or remember. It becomes very frustraited when an alter comes forward and things start to happen. Till the next post......

Monday, July 11, 2011

The past controls the present, leaves future uncertain.

     Many historians will tell you in order to see into the future you need only look into the past, the past always repeats itself. Fact of the matter is the past not only can tell you the future but is so powerful that it can actually control the present. Many survivors will tell you that the past has played such a major roll in their lives, the way they live in the present has either been dictated by their past or plays out daily in almost everything they do.

     This is something that has bothered me for many years, why today when I am faced with a situation my mind will resort to my past and the decision I make will be made based on past events, not information from today? Like a cornered dog will use his instinct to protect himself and fight to break free from harm, my reaction is to let harm happen afraid that it will hurt me more if I do not give in. For many years I have placed myself into these situations, almost seeking them out as if I don't I may end up in harms way. I know that as a child, I would almost make my self present to my abuser in some sort of mental way thinking that as long as I was there what could happen I had some control over. Although I did not want anything to happen, I was safer because I was out of more severe harms way thus giving me more control, or what seemed to be control in what was going on. Today I find myself doing the same exact thing feeling even more vulnerable and yet not stepping away or even putting a stop to it. And although many deep secrets still remain and are slowly coming forward reminding me more about my past. Things that I may not have a clear vision of what took place but will leave myself questioning why I have the vision in my mind if nothing happened.

     I have been told that when someone acts just like my mother did growing up they can pretty much control me just as she did. This includes decision making, actions that in the one part of my mind I KNOW it is wrong yet I will continue on or allow it to happen without any thought of what could happen after the fact. I realized tonight that this may very much be true. I know I have told my wife about this at one time, but in typing this some very vivid flashbacks appeared in my mind. I am trying to sort them out and if the sights that I saw were correct, which I strongly feel they are correct this may just explain somehow someone can walk into my life and I pretty much hand my self over to them.

     One thing that really makes this harder is bring in DID to the picture with alters who are suppose to be the ones who lived thru this. How something can happen and I have no memory of it what so ever, how ever with the pictures I have in my head it makes me wonder if it is protection that I am doing when I do this. And what makes the problems even worse is trying to talk to someone who does not fully understand and they tell you it does not matter what frame of mind your in the end result is because of me. While the statement is true, my alters are very much me at different ages or stages of my life, The fact of the matter is it was me and I need to face up to the fact it was me. Right now I am going to have to close this post tonight because my mind is starting to race and I need to try and work on staying grounded, because the mind is it total over load and I am not sure what I am going to type may make any sense to anyone.

Sunday, July 10, 2011

The First day, peeking outside the comfort zone.

     Today I made a decision that I am going to leave my nest, my dark apartment and begin to reach out to friend and family on a new road. I spoke to a friend who sufferers from most of the same ailments that I do and found there are some new groups in the area, peer groups that she has been looking for someone to go with and see what they are all about. She had emailed me about one particular one in the city that is really new and sound very promising. I am thinking that I might consider it as long as she goes with me. My biggest problem is still Agoraphobia and Social Anxiety which really hinders going out to places. I know in my heart that one way to help in healing is by joining a group of fellow survivors were we can learn from each other and help walk the road alone.

     I also contacted my family about integrating myself back into their lives. Running away from them I understand, in some cases, is a reaction of people who suffer with PTSD. I remember speaking to one survivor about how they ran away, got their own place and it took six years to finally realize that running was a reaction, a self coping mechanism that while it seems to take you to a safe place because you are alone and can really think clearly, it actually is and should be considered self harm. When I left I thought I was doing the right thing, taking the burden away from my family, I had a place I could sleep with no sounds, I could sleep as long as I wished and was not bound to doing things that would involve leaving the apartment. What really was happening was that I was giving my mind the ability to roam free, unquestioned by those who loved me, I was avoiding situations rather then facing them no matter how hard it was for me but most of all I was letting my fears and paranoia fester and breed into something that was so overwhelming it almost devoured my life. As I said before I moved in with a wonderful view of the little hills and trees, green grass birds and butterflies to a place with dark blankets, towels and sheets over the windows. I moved in on May 1, 2011 and as you can see by today's date it did not take long for this to happen. I realized I needed to do something.

     I must say today was a bit hard for me to be around my wife and kids, every other moment I was trying to find an excuse to leave and go back to the apartment and sleep. However every time the urge came I kept telling myself that it will be okay. Okay, just what did that mean? I was already showing signs of shaking, paranoia, questionable thoughts and little fears begun running around my mind as if to find one that fit the situation so I could have an excuse to run. I was fighting a battle inside that had to be fought and I had to win and stay in control. Thoughts of my past were being triggered by little things and comments but I needed to focus and stay grounded the best I could, for as long as I could. Once it became to over bearing I did leave, not run, but leave back to the solitude of the apartment for a little nap before returning and dealing with it. The fact I left for a little while to rest my mind and compose myself made it that much easier to continue on with my day.

       So in closing tonight I would have to say the first step in leaving the nest of comfort, is to take a little step but still stay within reach so when things become to overwhelmed you can go back for a refresh yet promising yourself that you will make the effort to give it the second chance. It is not a bad thing to say I  need a little break or rest, it will not be the first time and I doubt it will be the last. I just realized that when I speak of the nest I am talking about your comfort zone. An imaginary circle with live within to maintain our daily lives. A circle where if it comes in contact with another circle the shape changes from the impact and our sense of security is broken or lost. In healing I need to let this circle grow a little each day, not to fast but at a speed that I am comfortable with. Once I am comfortable I may reach out to a friend and invite them to share in my circle, still very guarded but no longer alone. Over time the circle becomes a little bigger and we may add new friends who share somethings in common, or just someone who cares enough to be there. So like the nest is round just like our comfort zone it is okay to look around and see just who is with you, waking the same road with all the same goals or someone who is there to help you when you fall. Either way that first baby step I talked about is just that, taking a look at your comfort zone and see what you can do to give it a little more room.