The First day, peeking outside the comfort zone.

     Today I made a decision that I am going to leave my nest, my dark apartment and begin to reach out to friend and family on a new road. I spoke to a friend who sufferers from most of the same ailments that I do and found there are some new groups in the area, peer groups that she has been looking for someone to go with and see what they are all about. She had emailed me about one particular one in the city that is really new and sound very promising. I am thinking that I might consider it as long as she goes with me. My biggest problem is still Agoraphobia and Social Anxiety which really hinders going out to places. I know in my heart that one way to help in healing is by joining a group of fellow survivors were we can learn from each other and help walk the road alone.

     I also contacted my family about integrating myself back into their lives. Running away from them I understand, in some cases, is a reaction of people who suffer with PTSD. I remember speaking to one survivor about how they ran away, got their own place and it took six years to finally realize that running was a reaction, a self coping mechanism that while it seems to take you to a safe place because you are alone and can really think clearly, it actually is and should be considered self harm. When I left I thought I was doing the right thing, taking the burden away from my family, I had a place I could sleep with no sounds, I could sleep as long as I wished and was not bound to doing things that would involve leaving the apartment. What really was happening was that I was giving my mind the ability to roam free, unquestioned by those who loved me, I was avoiding situations rather then facing them no matter how hard it was for me but most of all I was letting my fears and paranoia fester and breed into something that was so overwhelming it almost devoured my life. As I said before I moved in with a wonderful view of the little hills and trees, green grass birds and butterflies to a place with dark blankets, towels and sheets over the windows. I moved in on May 1, 2011 and as you can see by today's date it did not take long for this to happen. I realized I needed to do something.

     I must say today was a bit hard for me to be around my wife and kids, every other moment I was trying to find an excuse to leave and go back to the apartment and sleep. However every time the urge came I kept telling myself that it will be okay. Okay, just what did that mean? I was already showing signs of shaking, paranoia, questionable thoughts and little fears begun running around my mind as if to find one that fit the situation so I could have an excuse to run. I was fighting a battle inside that had to be fought and I had to win and stay in control. Thoughts of my past were being triggered by little things and comments but I needed to focus and stay grounded the best I could, for as long as I could. Once it became to over bearing I did leave, not run, but leave back to the solitude of the apartment for a little nap before returning and dealing with it. The fact I left for a little while to rest my mind and compose myself made it that much easier to continue on with my day.

       So in closing tonight I would have to say the first step in leaving the nest of comfort, is to take a little step but still stay within reach so when things become to overwhelmed you can go back for a refresh yet promising yourself that you will make the effort to give it the second chance. It is not a bad thing to say I  need a little break or rest, it will not be the first time and I doubt it will be the last. I just realized that when I speak of the nest I am talking about your comfort zone. An imaginary circle with live within to maintain our daily lives. A circle where if it comes in contact with another circle the shape changes from the impact and our sense of security is broken or lost. In healing I need to let this circle grow a little each day, not to fast but at a speed that I am comfortable with. Once I am comfortable I may reach out to a friend and invite them to share in my circle, still very guarded but no longer alone. Over time the circle becomes a little bigger and we may add new friends who share somethings in common, or just someone who cares enough to be there. So like the nest is round just like our comfort zone it is okay to look around and see just who is with you, waking the same road with all the same goals or someone who is there to help you when you fall. Either way that first baby step I talked about is just that, taking a look at your comfort zone and see what you can do to give it a little more room.

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