Road to Recovery: My own thoughts along my path.

            Triggers are something that can bring out memories of the past in any person. If you’re a person who has lived a good life without to many problems or trauma, looking at a rose can take you back to a place where you and maybe your grandmother used to plant roses in the garden. The smell of pine needles can take you back camping just as the smell of your neighbor using his fireplace and the smell of the smoke. If you are someone who suffers from PTSD even the littlest thing can trigger a flash back. I was walking to my car and saw a man walking; he had a limp and sort of bounced as he walked. The very first thought that came to mind was that of my father who used to walk the same way, which lead me into thinking about my family and then my brother popped into the picture and it was going downhill very fast. I needed to grab my keys and looking at different things to keep me grounded in the present. A quick look, a quick thought and a turn in memories of my brother took less

            Welcome to back to my blog, where it is the second day that I am going to start writing about how my day is, how my PTSD and DID effect me in my daily life. Although this started back in February 2010 and I do feel I have come somewhat a good distance I realized that I need to change the way I have been viewing my life let alone living it. If I continue to go down the road I have been on, it will take a lot longer to reach my recovery which is something I really want to strive for.             Today was a good day with little flashbacks, some that were good and a couple that were just bad, not horrific. The one good memory I had came to me while I was watching television with my three year old son, which I must say kids programming is not like it used to be. In this particular cartoon they were playing with a bean bag toss trying to get the little bag through a hole. That took me back to my third grade class where we had to make a game and bring it into class and share it

            I started this blog several weeks ago with the intention of keeping a daily account of my feelings, thoughts and how I am progressing in my healing. While I know it is normal to have flashbacks and all that, it seems that all I have been posting are things that I remember about my past. Yes, this does involve my past however I don’t write about what I do, how I spend my day as someone who has PTDS and DID. This I need to do more often, and if there is something that happens like a flashback not to focus so much on what the flashback was but to focus on what I can learn from it and use it to better understand who I am. What I need to do is to go ahead and tell what the flashback was about, how I stayed grounded, what I did to move on from that flashback and how I was able to keep my alters contained without them coming out but rather let them know that it is okay and that today is not yesterday. So here is going to be my first blog with how my day was.             My day st

I have been listening to some really good songs on YouTube that I used to listed to and loved very much as a child. As I sit here and listed to them it makes me think about what my mind was like back then and how I felt. It feels a lot how I am feeling right now, pitted in my stomach and down. I remember now being depressed when I was young, feeling alone and unnoticed. I am sitting here thinking about little things, things that today I feel are kind of stupid but back then really meant a whole lot to me and really hurt. One of the biggest that comes to mind is the court picnic where the kids would put on shows for everyone. I remember telling everyone I wanted to sing also and in fact mother saying that she would make sure I was aloud to sing. Well I never got that chance, I remember sitting in the middle of the field on a stool just sitting there singing to myself feeling very hurt. I know when I was finished singing I went into the house and went to my room. I know I spent a lot o

This weekend has been pretty much hell on me and although another week is starting over I have a huge feeling it is going to get worse as the time goes on. This weekend was, mood swings, depression so deep there seemed to be no light at the end of the tunnel. There have been an ongoing slew of physical flash backs and mental ones as well. I am able to ward off the mental ones but the pain that I feel inside comes and goes and there is really nothing I can do. I am becoming very upset with forgetting, for example once I was on my way back from my daughter’s boyfriend and was coming down the road when I did not recognize a darn thing. Here is a road I travel so much where I knew every stop sign every turn of the road. Same thing happened back when I was on my way back from grandma’s house. I am really getting upset with this memory loss and forgetting things. I do not like going to stores where they have isles to walk up and down because I feel trapped in the center of these isles. I tr

            Since I started this blog, or my online journal, I have talked about feelings, problems and other affects of how my past and diagnoses have affected me. I exhibit most all the common signs of PTSD, Major Depression and Disassociation Identity Disorder and my Doctors have all agreed and I am being treated for these with meds and therapy. However something happened a couple days ago that I am not really sure exactly happened or how it even did.             What I am referring to is someone’s face changing to another person right in front of your eyes, or at least my mind was processing differently what it was that I was seeing. My son, who is 14 years old, was really upset over the way his mother had yelled at him for something he did. Needless to say, I stood up and went face to face with my son because he does not yell at his mother and use the words he had spoken to her as she is his mother and most of all, my wife. He started yelling back at me and in our little argument