Friday, November 19, 2010

Grounding tools, the tools you don't store in a shed.

            Triggers are something that can bring out memories of the past in any person. If you’re a person who has lived a good life without to many problems or trauma, looking at a rose can take you back to a place where you and maybe your grandmother used to plant roses in the garden. The smell of pine needles can take you back camping just as the smell of your neighbor using his fireplace and the smell of the smoke. If you are someone who suffers from PTSD even the littlest thing can trigger a flash back. I was walking to my car and saw a man walking; he had a limp and sort of bounced as he walked. The very first thought that came to mind was that of my father who used to walk the same way, which lead me into thinking about my family and then my brother popped into the picture and it was going downhill very fast. I needed to grab my keys and looking at different things to keep me grounded in the present. A quick look, a quick thought and a turn in memories of my brother took less then a few seconds or less. That quick moment turned in several minutes of dealing with a flashback and then took several hours to bring myself into a safe zone. I mentioned that when I go out I start to shake and go into panic attacks when I know I am going out, well I was doing okay today even though I was on my way to Sprint to exchange a phone for my daughter, I had people at my side. After this quick flashback I became very agitated, shakes, panic attack came on and I could not remember any information that the sales person needed. I stood there tapping on his desk asking several times I was sorry, I would move my hand then be right back to tapping.

            This whole process lasted about an hour, which I am proud I made it outside, that I was able to stay grounded and that I was able to go into a store which I knew is always empty. Even though it sounds like it was a bad day or hour, I would agree because it was so simple yet headed south, but my grounding skills worked and I feel very happy about that. That is probably the most important tool that anyone with PTSD needs to learn and that is staying grounded to the present and not the past. It is not very easy to do this, even for someone who has been dealing with it for years let alone for 9 months. There are several ways that one can stay grounded; some use the feel, smell, visual, sound, taste or any combination of each to help them stay grounded. For some it can take minutes and other’s it can last hours or more to become grounded fully to the present.

            So today was stressful in that hour and that was the first time I made it out to a store, the last time was a disaster to say the least. They had to lead me out with both arms and once I was in the clear I went straight to the car and just sat there. I woke this morning feeling depressed which I think I am now on the downslide to the roller coaster headed back into deep depression. When I reach this stage it becomes so easy for the flash backs to come about and my self worth goes down the drain faster then switching the light switch on. This is the one part that I cannot stand, the sleeping and the lack of desire to eat. I was up till 11pm last night but up at 4:30 but just laid there until about 6:30 when I decided to get out of bed. Course by 8am I was ready for a nap and fell back to sleep for 4 hours. By the time 3pm rolled around I was ready for another round of sleeping and this is where the 15 minutes twice a day is going to be a struggle. I have no desire to really do anything and absolute no desire to leave the house. I live in my sweatpants, in front of my computer and still trying to keep myself from staying downstairs. It was about 6:30 when we went to the sprint store and home by 7:30 which really was not bad. But just as a panic attack, flashback or when I come out of a DID episode I become extremely exhausted and if not making it a daily point to blog I would be in bed where I will be when this is over.

            I must say, that although I learned it a while ago, I need to keep relearning the fact that grounding tools are the most important tool anyone with PTSD can carry. Carry change, keys, marbles or anything that you can use to play with when it feels like you’re going to drift off. Change what you are looking at, do it every second or two, move from one object to another and say what it is. What ever you do, try not to let the vision take over, Oh I know how hard that is and I can sit here and type all about it, maybe even write a book about staying grounded but I will be the first to say it does not always work 100% but even if you are able to keep one foot in the present then your better then you might be if you cross back into the past. I spoke to someone at the hospital who said the longest they were lost was close to three days because they did not have their grounding tools with them and the flashback was one of the worst they had ever felt. So if I learned anything today and anything I can tell you is to seek your own grounding tools. Pick up some coins or even pebbles from the driveway anything you can keep close to grab and roll or feel the texture of the item. If you’re working feel the arm of the chair, it all will work as long as you are able to remember to use them and able to grab them before the flashback reaches it’s fullest effect.

            So this is my blog post today, it may not have been a very busy or exciting day however it was a day that made me remember where I was, where I started on my road to recovery and remember the tools that so many people helped me learn and put them to use when I need it. What would have thrown me over the edge now is becoming more easy to deal with and understand, however I am still not there yet and I have one heck of a road to travel before I get there. So for now, Until Next Time…

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

PTSD, can the Ghost Hunters deal with My Ghost?

            Welcome to back to my blog, where it is the second day that I am going to start writing about how my day is, how my PTSD and DID effect me in my daily life. Although this started back in February 2010 and I do feel I have come somewhat a good distance I realized that I need to change the way I have been viewing my life let alone living it. If I continue to go down the road I have been on, it will take a lot longer to reach my recovery which is something I really want to strive for.

            Today was a good day with little flashbacks, some that were good and a couple that were just bad, not horrific. The one good memory I had came to me while I was watching television with my three year old son, which I must say kids programming is not like it used to be. In this particular cartoon they were playing with a bean bag toss trying to get the little bag through a hole. That took me back to my third grade class where we had to make a game and bring it into class and share it with the other classmates. For my game, my father took a piece of plywood and cut several holes into it while my mother made some bags filled with beans, thus a bean bag toss. It was so funny, because my teacher loved it so much she refused to allow me to bring it home. So needless to say my project that received a good grade was also left to grow old with my school. I don’t remember if I was upset or not, but I can imagine that I was because it was one thing that my parents and I worked on. So this to me is a good memory, one that I can laugh at even though it may have been bad to keep a third graders project. What can I say, it still is funny.

            The bad memories for today came while we were driving down town back on the way to my wife’s mother’s house so I could move some folders from her desktop to her laptop. As we passed places like the local flea market, I remembered going there with my parents. Why would I consider this a bad memory, because going out with my family was sometimes not the funniest thing to do in life, in fact it could be sometimes the most painful experience a child could have. My mother believed in discipline when you were doing something wrong no matter who looked or where it was. She would pinch pretty hard on the ear, armpit, behind the leg or anyplace she could find that would inflict pain to make us stop. For some reason looking at the flea market brought back memories of an old Polish Church we would attend, maybe because we would go to the market after church a lot almost like clock work. The church for me has very bad memories because some of the physical abuse took place by my brother in the church basement, in fact once I ended up going to the hospital by ambulance for stitches because he encouraged a cousin to fight me and I ended up getting hit over the head by a metal juice pitcher. The one nice thing about these were that they were not to serious or bad today, so even though I had them it was very easy to stay grounded and focus on something else. After spending 6 hours there, two of which I slept on the couch we came home to find the older kids had already gotten home from school. I brought my computer in the house, took it upstairs and plugged it in. I really feel proud that I am able to do this even if it is for a little while. After about three hours, I did end up going back downstairs and just had to get away from the light and confusion. I say light, because I am trying to stay upstairs with the curtain open because I am so afraid to be seen, go figure.

            But tonight I started thinking about something, a show one of the kids was watching last night. Something about ghost hunting and trying to capture ghosts on cameras or digital recorders to see if there was any paranormal activity in the area. I started thinking about my flashbacks, nightmares and my physical flashbacks that everyone gets plagued with when they are suffering from PTSD. And you know, I got thinking about my past and these ghosts that they are trying to find. There are a few things that I really compared together and what came together was rather interesting and almost made my PTSD sound not so bad as far as viewing it the way I did. When they are looking for paranormal experiences they are looking for ghosts, I have a ghost that haunts me that I call my past. When ghost appears or a voice is heard this is called paranormal activity, when my ghost appears or speaks to me it is called a flash back. And a quote taken from a paranormal web page “No one knows why some people respond physically (i.e. Goosebumps) to ghosts and paranormal activity,” which is a question why do people experience physical flashbacks? The fact is that we know that our innocence was killed when we were abused at a certain age but yet the child lives in a special part of our mind. This is especially true in people who develop Disassociation Identity Disorder. For example, for me I have Keith who is eight years old and for me my first remembrance of my first sexual abuse took place when I was eight years old. If my inner child was killed in this attack and part of that child now lives in my mind as an alter, part or if you will a ghost of the little child who I was. So by looking at it this way, it seems to lesson the stress of fearing a Flashback if I look at it like Paranormal Activity and call it Subconscious Activity, which it really is just that. The same can be looked at with Physical Flashbacks which is called physical paranormal activity I can relate that to Physical Subconscious Activity. All of this combined to me can now be called Subconscious Experience. To me in a way it makes it sound more like my subconscious that is reliving the past and I am only learning about it now. I fear it because like the paranormal it is the unknown, the lack of memories and the questions that arise from it all. Everything is hidden in our subconscious and when the wall comes down this ghost of our past is able to come forward and begin to explain to us what really happened.

            Yes, I know its kind of a far reach in looking at it this way but if you think about it is just all that. Flashbacks make it sound like something we cannot survive and yet we do, but the term subconscious activity lets me know that it is something that is going to happen, not to fear it because it is something that happened in the past and since I live today it is only a subconscious reminder. Yes, the pain and suffering that goes with it is our own conscious realizing what took place and mourning for that little child. The question is always, how someone can do that to a little child that way and how did we live is a question that plays over and over in our minds. Subconsciously we always new about it, its only now as we embark on our road to recovery that we learn about the past from our own selves. Until Next Time…

I need to blog more about today then yesterday.

            I started this blog several weeks ago with the intention of keeping a daily account of my feelings, thoughts and how I am progressing in my healing. While I know it is normal to have flashbacks and all that, it seems that all I have been posting are things that I remember about my past. Yes, this does involve my past however I don’t write about what I do, how I spend my day as someone who has PTDS and DID. This I need to do more often, and if there is something that happens like a flashback not to focus so much on what the flashback was but to focus on what I can learn from it and use it to better understand who I am. What I need to do is to go ahead and tell what the flashback was about, how I stayed grounded, what I did to move on from that flashback and how I was able to keep my alters contained without them coming out but rather let them know that it is okay and that today is not yesterday. So here is going to be my first blog with how my day was.

            My day started with me waking up to several of the kids bopping into bed to wake dad up, that and the dogs who love to kiss any exposed part of my face. I woke up about a half hour before the last of the eight children were getting on the bus for their day at school. I felt as if I had a bad night sleep, but the only thing I remember about my dream was something about bed bugs and cockroaches. I think that came from the fact we are going to New York this weekend to take our exchange student down to meet her mother for a day. It’s really nice as she is making it all expense paid for us which is not really that much, but it would be too much for us to afford. In any case, I had read an article about bed bugs and what to do when you arrive at a hotel. So from my bed downstairs I made it upstairs to head to the boys room and start my day. When I went upstairs my wife reminded me that we needed to leave in twenty minutes because she was going to help her mother around the house, leave my three year old son there and would go to my 1:00 appointment from there and since it was on the way she wanted me to come and save gas.

            Once we arrived at her mother’s house, I went in bringing my laptop with me and set it up in the living room as I always do when we go there for any length of time. I am not sure if it was my Agoraphobia kicking in but I was shaking terrible. So bad that even to use my mouse to center on something became a big challenge. I don’t use the touchpad on my laptop but rather a trackball so all I need to do is roll it and not worry about using one finger. I called my wife over and asked if I looked like I was shaking as bad as I felt and she said no, but when she place her hand on my arm and leg she said she could feel me shaking like I was out in the cold. This always happens about two hours before going out to any public place, and my appointment is no different. As long as I am in my home, in my truck or at my in-laws which are places that I know I can be safe it does not bother me to leave the house. However if I go to a store I can drive but I can’t get out to inside no matter who is with me. So like I said, I was shaking pretty bad at this point I sat down and had a cigarette in hopes it would calm me down, it did not just like it never does and I had taken my meds well before this so they would have kicked in by now. So we left for my counselors’ appointment arriving just one minute late, better then the usual five to ten. I was nervous as expected but went into take a seat, walking with my head looking at the carpet as if I am a little boy being led into a principal’s office not wanting anyone to see.

            When we sat down, she asked me what we wanted to discuss in today’s session. I had brought along my wife because I wanted to discuss a fight that we had two days prior in which I was acting out, or I should say my alter came out, and what was said and done. I then told her I wanted to talk about the face change that I had while my son was yelling at me. She explained that what happened was I had a mental flashback where I was seeing my brothers face rather then my son. It was as if the alters projected in my mind the sight of my brother and this is how my mind was processing, even though it was not true and consciously I knew who it was my son but my mind did not. We discussed a few other things, but like with my memory I do not recall everything we talked about. I am considering purchasing an electronic recording device so I can have it to remember topics at least. For some reason ages and abuses were brought up, I believe we were talking about reasons my sister and I were left alone with my brother. I stopped mid sentence when I mentioned that both my parents and grandparents flew to Florida and that this may have been the time of my actual rape at age fifteen. I immediately started to drift off as I always do when I sink into myself and loose conscious with the real world, often allowing one of my alters come out and take over. This time it did not happen because I was being talked to, “Ed are you here”  and “Ed we are in my office” and as I listened to the voices I stayed focused moving my eyes and feeling the arms of the chair I was sitting in. When it was over and I was in the present, we talked a little about how I was able to stay grounded which I have not done in a long time. We also talked about what that might mean to me, knowing that I am the person who has to know everything like times, dates, places or what may have been going on at some time. We also talked about my depression because the deep depression has been plaguing me for days on end and how I just sit around the house on my computer or sleeping to sleep it off. What she gave me to do at this point was to give me home work to do some cleaning of some type fifteen minutes a day, twice a day and to make it a strong effort to move. You see, I have not been moving very much in fact letting my depression run my life as if I was dead, a zombie if you will. And trust me, when you live like a Zombie all you think about is the negative things and that only brings you down even more. So starting tomorrow I will do this, whether it is cleaning or even moving about the house picking up something like dishes it will be me doing my homework.

            When we got home the kids we all starting to return from school first the older kids and finally the younger ones. I decided to move my laptop upstairs to be more around for the kids as they always see daddy sitting downstairs in his dark cave. So I sat upstairs listening to some old songs on YouTube thinking about the past as I normally did and thus wrote about it in my last blog. What I was doing was not really anything different then sitting downstairs thinking or dwelling in the past, letting my past get the better of me. It was just me and the kids for a better part of the afternoon and evening so after I wrote my blog post, I shut the computer down, text messaged a friend from my work and basically watched television with my kids, it was the Disney channel, but at least I was up being a father.

            So to sum today up, I learned from my flashback that I was left alone with my brother even though mother knew and that it was not my fault as I have been feeling. She gave him the time, space and opportunity to abuse my sister and I and he used what she had given him. I learned that one of the most important things I need to do is to stay grounded. I learned this during my three week stay in a Maryland hospital and quickly forgot how to do this and how important it is to remember to continue to do this. I learned that depression, as deep as I have it may be lessened if I give my mind something to do and stop thinking about my past or trying to stay focused so I don't see or think of something that could trigger a flashback. I learned that it is okay to think about the past but it is best to contain it as soon as I do when I am able to bring it out in a more controlled setting. I also realized that I don’t need to stay in my cave away from the family that the upstairs is safe also, as long as there are no fights or fighting. Had to mention that, why not right! Well that is going to be it for tonight, we will see how tomorrow plays out and what life has in store for me. Until Next Time….

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Just sitting here looking back.

I have been listening to some really good songs on YouTube that I used to listed to and loved very much as a child. As I sit here and listed to them it makes me think about what my mind was like back then and how I felt. It feels a lot how I am feeling right now, pitted in my stomach and down. I remember now being depressed when I was young, feeling alone and unnoticed. I am sitting here thinking about little things, things that today I feel are kind of stupid but back then really meant a whole lot to me and really hurt.

One of the biggest that comes to mind is the court picnic where the kids would put on shows for everyone. I remember telling everyone I wanted to sing also and in fact mother saying that she would make sure I was aloud to sing. Well I never got that chance, I remember sitting in the middle of the field on a stool just sitting there singing to myself feeling very hurt. I know when I was finished singing I went into the house and went to my room. I know I spent a lot of time in my room when I was home. I never really sat around the house like in the living room with the family. I remember I spent a lot of my time listening to my record player to a lot of the very songs that I was just listening to like Beth by Kiss, Objects look closer then they look by Meatloaf. Songs now that as I listen to them are by their own accounts are very depressing. It makes me wonder if as a child I was depressed almost as much as I am now or was this the period where I started to become depressed and feeling alone. I also remember this is about the time I can remember looking back that I started to withdrawal from the world.

There was a lot of rejection by my parents because they spent a lot of time with friends and neighbors. We would always be sent to our rooms with a bowl of snacks and not allowed out for any reason. I understand that this was time for my parents but on the same token it was also being locked away. There were so many times growing up where I felt alone, almost cast aside by family and friends around the court. I was never taken seriously for any reason and I remember always if I said something it was like “okay now go away”. I often noticed that this was not really the case with other kids in the court. My parents always seemed to treat others better then how I was treated. I believe now that this is one reason that clinging to my brother and his friends when they came around helped with the sexual abuse because I was being recognized as a person. I know it sounds crazy and this is one part of me that has a problem with feeling abused and where I seem to have wanted it. I was almost drawn into it by his desire to be satisfied and my desire to be someone. This is something that I carried all the way up to the death of both my parents, acceptance.

Acceptance was something that I was never really given by my parents and even into my forties I did things to try and obtain this knowing deep inside that I would never get this. I remember that my mother would tell me when she was growing up, her parents had a “Children should be seen not heard” attitude and that we should be lucky however I don’t remember why we should have been lucky. Many times we would go places such as polish events, CB events, and other events and I can vividly remember see my self sitting off in a corner table away from my parents. I never really was a part and as I sit here and think about it I can see now that the way I was treated as an adult and did not understand I was treated as a child. I remember when we went places I seemed to be the one who always lagged behind, kind of walking slower then the rest of the family. I never really walked with them, I never really felt apart of them and this goes way back to NJ where I was at least under 12 years old.

I remember feeling lost in my mentality like I walked the whole neighborhood asking people if I could pick up trash in their yard for 25 cents. I never got anyone to say yes and I walked the whole place. You know, not even my parents would say yes. Kind of like, if you start a business family comes and supports you and buys from you just because. I remember feeling so down and withdrawn from this and having my father laugh at me when I returned with no money. I remember them sitting on the front porch with my parents and their friends and all them laughing, or more chuckling at my attempt to make some money. I guess looking back now I never got any support from my parents like my brother and sister got. My biggest thing I owned was my record player where in the same room shared by my brother he had a drum set, big ham radio set and his own stereo. We both had a bed and dresser and looking at how I was treated in the will when my mother passed away and what was left for me, nothing.

I think now that as a child, I may have allowed the sexual abuse to happen because my need for attention no matter what it was. I really did not have the friends like everyone had and the one real friend I had really was like me, not liked by everyone or anyone. People picked on him all the time and I became friends with him because I felt so alone as well. This may also contribute to my need to explain myself, which is my inner child looking for a friend or acknowledgment from someone older or more powerful then I am. This could also contribute to why I was fondled by two other people and don’t really bring them up a whole lot. In fact, the only real thing I bring up and the one thing that seems to bother me was the rape when I was fifteen. I think it was because I had said no and it still happened. I don't remember what I had said prior except the one time I was trying to stop my sister from being abused. I think this could contribute to a lot of my depression because my inner child is now letting me know that this all really happened and almost putting into some context of how things came about. It was more a survive type of life I lived created by my parents, used by others and kept quiet by me, hidden all these years until the volcano in February released in a fury of memories and feelings. Until Next Time...

Monday, November 15, 2010

More of What's my Problem?

This weekend has been pretty much hell on me and although another week is starting over I have a huge feeling it is going to get worse as the time goes on. This weekend was, mood swings, depression so deep there seemed to be no light at the end of the tunnel. There have been an ongoing slew of physical flash backs and mental ones as well. I am able to ward off the mental ones but the pain that I feel inside comes and goes and there is really nothing I can do.

I am becoming very upset with forgetting, for example once I was on my way back from my daughter’s boyfriend and was coming down the road when I did not recognize a darn thing. Here is a road I travel so much where I knew every stop sign every turn of the road. Same thing happened back when I was on my way back from grandma’s house. I am really getting upset with this memory loss and forgetting things. I do not like going to stores where they have isles to walk up and down because I feel trapped in the center of these isles. I try and not walk down them but I have no choice if wanting to look at something. I feel as if at any moment in an isle I could be trapped with no safe way out and I feel like I won’t have access to getting out of the store if I need too. I also like to just keep my desk light on because it gives me a sense of peace when I am sitting there at my computer. Awe yes, my computer the one thing that I have loved so much is now becoming a bore for me and I have no idea why. There is so much information that is out there and yet I cannot find anything to read or listen to. It is really becoming a pain because I know I used to love it and could always find something out on the web to keep me busy. None of the games that are on Facebook seem to keep me attentive anymore and they all have really become something that my brain is not being used.

I feel like I have no stimulation in my life and yet at the same time I do not have any energy to even do something with stimulation if it was sitting on my shoulder. I want to be able to do things; I want to be able to leave the house without fear. Why do I feel like I am trapped in my own body and why am I so darn nervous to venture any further then my front yard? Is it Robert who walks me right downstairs when we get home from any place? Is it me just wanting to get away from everything, these are things that I don’t know anymore. And why the darn memory loss, why do I forget when people tell me things, why do I forget I have done things? And the depression, oh my god how deep it can be and for what seems like no reason at all. I mean I could actually be sitting there and just drop in mood, I can tell you this, I can fully understand why anyone would want to take their own lives. When you’re in such a deep state of depression it feels so hopeless and despair. Its worse then the bottom of the barrel. I look fine on the outside like there is nothing going on, but inside it is like an internal fight raging on. I am trying so hard to get better faster but it seems like my mind just will not listen to me. I almost hate living in this body because it seems so damaged and yet it used to be so strong. I am often confused by things that come up, like I did know about them but I didn’t know or did not realize that the time is flying by so fast. Time sometimes feels like it is at a stand still and yet things come up so fast that I am caught off guard.

I think it is my mind just filled with so much stuff that I don’t really realize that things are just coming up. And the real big deal in my life is why I am afraid of the outside world? I feel so much more comfortable just being inside the house in fact it feels safer inside then on the outside. But some of it is starting to make a little sense like when I am at a hotel or at home by myself because I have to sleep with several lights on. I have no safety present to protect me in case something were to happen like anything would happen. How can a 44 year old man be so afraid to go out and feel these feelings that I have? Why is it that when we are camping I feel safer at night where I can go sit around the fire yet give it a little sun and I feel like the whole world is out to stare at me. What really hurts the most is that I hurt my family a whole lot over this whole PTSD problem. My memory has been affected, my sense of security is all messed up, my feeling of being the strong one in the house has dwindled down to where I don’t know anymore. And you know, I don’t really think it is something new to me, it is just after this volcano erupted in February that it has just gotten so worse it is out of control. I mean I used to always go to wal-mart and stick to the outside walking area and not really go into the middle of the store where the clothes are. I used to think it was because I hated to shop for clothes but I sit here and now wonder if it had to do with being stuck in an isle with no safe route out if I needed to get out and get out fast. I don’t know really but I do know that from what I have read about this ECT treatment if it goes as planned it should calm my mind down to almost the way it was before the depression set in. Cause one of the biggest problems in my life is the depression which really stops me from doing things like moving and getting out. I hope I will be able to really have an enjoyable week and weekend coming up. Until Next Time...

Sunday, November 14, 2010

What is my problem??

            Since I started this blog, or my online journal, I have talked about feelings, problems and other affects of how my past and diagnoses have affected me. I exhibit most all the common signs of PTSD, Major Depression and Disassociation Identity Disorder and my Doctors have all agreed and I am being treated for these with meds and therapy. However something happened a couple days ago that I am not really sure exactly happened or how it even did.

            What I am referring to is someone’s face changing to another person right in front of your eyes, or at least my mind was processing differently what it was that I was seeing. My son, who is 14 years old, was really upset over the way his mother had yelled at him for something he did. Needless to say, I stood up and went face to face with my son because he does not yell at his mother and use the words he had spoken to her as she is his mother and most of all, my wife. He started yelling back at me and in our little argument as I was looking at him straight in the face he seemed to change into my brother’s face. I stood there with my heart stopping because I was no longer facing my son, but I was facing my brother around the same age my son is. If it were my brother at age 14 that would put me around age 10 and my brother was very much in my face, fighting and physically abusing me. I know there are many types of flashbacks such as mental, physical and nightmares that are flashbacks during sleep but what would this go under?

            My brother, who was the first sexual abuser in my life, was also very much a physical abuser as well. He was enrolled in Karate for as long as I could remember and he used this to attack me. Oh yes, I would tell on him many times and mother would always say to me “One day you will take him down”. For the longest time, I thought that maybe it was extreme sibling rivalry but the things that he did I don’t believe anyone would do. I remember very clearly how he held me down on the ground in the hallway of our house in Jersey and continue to spit in my mouth. He would choke me, slap me, kick me, punch me, or throw things at me which kind of go with the rivalry thing but the spitting? He also did things around friends, such as I was in the back yard one day and he was up on the back deck with two of his friends. They were shooting at targets in the tree with a BB gun when he proceeded to shoot me in the rear; I only had on a thin pair of shorts not heavy jeans or something like that. If I was out in our garage where I hung most of the time and had a drink, he would urinate in my drink and laugh as I sipped then spit it out. He would get our Golden Retriever high on marijuana and laugh as she stumbled around; he was not one to treat anything with respect.

            My sexual abuse at the hands of my brother was not the normal, fondling, oral sex or sodomy alone. It did not also involve my sister or his friends who would often join in while he abused my sister and I. What it did also involve was adult toys, finger insertion, and other foreign objects. Not only would he climax in my mouth but he would also urinate as well, all along sometimes with his friends like I had said. As I mentioned once before, I clearly remember my sister being taken into our kitchen by his friends one by one and permitted to have their way with her. I was about eleven years old when this happened and I remember being beat and dragged into the living room because I was trying to fight to have them stop.

            So this leads me to my question in the beginning, what happened when my son yelled at me. Did my mind have a flashback in the form of changing my son’s face into that of my brother? Was I reliving my past through the words and actions of my son? If this is the case how far will the mind go to mess with me if you will? Things that I have not discussed on the blog is how I sit and will seem to see black shadows moving to either side of me, and when I look there is nothing. I know people can swear that they heard someone call their names, but I seem to hear voices that not only call me but seem to be like one sided fights. As if I am only hearing one side of someone yelling but not the person they are talking to. I was once sleeping and I heard loud and clear a voice tell me to sit up straight, I sat up in my bed and then wondered why I was sitting up. It could have been a dream but it sure seemed real and loud enough to wake me. Is this my alters with their own voices that I hear? Or is my mind playing tricks on me just as my sons face turned into my brother? I am not sure anymore what happens anymore and I don’t know how much longer I can really deal with all this. The reason I wrote yesterday about my 2nd abuser was because I had flashbacks of me riding my bike. It is always something new, same thing over, things happen that I cannot explain and anger issued that come and go.

            The road to anyone’s recovery is always a hard road to take, and I know I am on that road and I know there are going to be bumps and questions that will come up along the way. Some I will have answers for and others will go unanswered and I am going to have to learn to live with that. I know I am going to have to let go of something’s in order to survive this trip. The hardest thing is knowing that something happened, having flashbacks, realizing what did happen and then letting it go because I have a natural way of wanting to know when and why. This is the part that is holding me back and the part that helps bring me down the most. So there are other things I need to get over before I can start to get over what I need to get over. Until Next Time…