What is my problem??

            Since I started this blog, or my online journal, I have talked about feelings, problems and other affects of how my past and diagnoses have affected me. I exhibit most all the common signs of PTSD, Major Depression and Disassociation Identity Disorder and my Doctors have all agreed and I am being treated for these with meds and therapy. However something happened a couple days ago that I am not really sure exactly happened or how it even did.

            What I am referring to is someone’s face changing to another person right in front of your eyes, or at least my mind was processing differently what it was that I was seeing. My son, who is 14 years old, was really upset over the way his mother had yelled at him for something he did. Needless to say, I stood up and went face to face with my son because he does not yell at his mother and use the words he had spoken to her as she is his mother and most of all, my wife. He started yelling back at me and in our little argument as I was looking at him straight in the face he seemed to change into my brother’s face. I stood there with my heart stopping because I was no longer facing my son, but I was facing my brother around the same age my son is. If it were my brother at age 14 that would put me around age 10 and my brother was very much in my face, fighting and physically abusing me. I know there are many types of flashbacks such as mental, physical and nightmares that are flashbacks during sleep but what would this go under?

            My brother, who was the first sexual abuser in my life, was also very much a physical abuser as well. He was enrolled in Karate for as long as I could remember and he used this to attack me. Oh yes, I would tell on him many times and mother would always say to me “One day you will take him down”. For the longest time, I thought that maybe it was extreme sibling rivalry but the things that he did I don’t believe anyone would do. I remember very clearly how he held me down on the ground in the hallway of our house in Jersey and continue to spit in my mouth. He would choke me, slap me, kick me, punch me, or throw things at me which kind of go with the rivalry thing but the spitting? He also did things around friends, such as I was in the back yard one day and he was up on the back deck with two of his friends. They were shooting at targets in the tree with a BB gun when he proceeded to shoot me in the rear; I only had on a thin pair of shorts not heavy jeans or something like that. If I was out in our garage where I hung most of the time and had a drink, he would urinate in my drink and laugh as I sipped then spit it out. He would get our Golden Retriever high on marijuana and laugh as she stumbled around; he was not one to treat anything with respect.

            My sexual abuse at the hands of my brother was not the normal, fondling, oral sex or sodomy alone. It did not also involve my sister or his friends who would often join in while he abused my sister and I. What it did also involve was adult toys, finger insertion, and other foreign objects. Not only would he climax in my mouth but he would also urinate as well, all along sometimes with his friends like I had said. As I mentioned once before, I clearly remember my sister being taken into our kitchen by his friends one by one and permitted to have their way with her. I was about eleven years old when this happened and I remember being beat and dragged into the living room because I was trying to fight to have them stop.

            So this leads me to my question in the beginning, what happened when my son yelled at me. Did my mind have a flashback in the form of changing my son’s face into that of my brother? Was I reliving my past through the words and actions of my son? If this is the case how far will the mind go to mess with me if you will? Things that I have not discussed on the blog is how I sit and will seem to see black shadows moving to either side of me, and when I look there is nothing. I know people can swear that they heard someone call their names, but I seem to hear voices that not only call me but seem to be like one sided fights. As if I am only hearing one side of someone yelling but not the person they are talking to. I was once sleeping and I heard loud and clear a voice tell me to sit up straight, I sat up in my bed and then wondered why I was sitting up. It could have been a dream but it sure seemed real and loud enough to wake me. Is this my alters with their own voices that I hear? Or is my mind playing tricks on me just as my sons face turned into my brother? I am not sure anymore what happens anymore and I don’t know how much longer I can really deal with all this. The reason I wrote yesterday about my 2^nd abuser was because I had flashbacks of me riding my bike. It is always something new, same thing over, things happen that I cannot explain and anger issued that come and go.

            The road to anyone’s recovery is always a hard road to take, and I know I am on that road and I know there are going to be bumps and questions that will come up along the way. Some I will have answers for and others will go unanswered and I am going to have to learn to live with that. I know I am going to have to let go of something’s in order to survive this trip. The hardest thing is knowing that something happened, having flashbacks, realizing what did happen and then letting it go because I have a natural way of wanting to know when and why. This is the part that is holding me back and the part that helps bring me down the most. So there are other things I need to get over before I can start to get over what I need to get over. Until Next Time…