More of What's my Problem?

This weekend has been pretty much hell on me and although another week is starting over I have a huge feeling it is going to get worse as the time goes on. This weekend was, mood swings, depression so deep there seemed to be no light at the end of the tunnel. There have been an ongoing slew of physical flash backs and mental ones as well. I am able to ward off the mental ones but the pain that I feel inside comes and goes and there is really nothing I can do.

I am becoming very upset with forgetting, for example once I was on my way back from my daughter’s boyfriend and was coming down the road when I did not recognize a darn thing. Here is a road I travel so much where I knew every stop sign every turn of the road. Same thing happened back when I was on my way back from grandma’s house. I am really getting upset with this memory loss and forgetting things. I do not like going to stores where they have isles to walk up and down because I feel trapped in the center of these isles. I try and not walk down them but I have no choice if wanting to look at something. I feel as if at any moment in an isle I could be trapped with no safe way out and I feel like I won’t have access to getting out of the store if I need too. I also like to just keep my desk light on because it gives me a sense of peace when I am sitting there at my computer. Awe yes, my computer the one thing that I have loved so much is now becoming a bore for me and I have no idea why. There is so much information that is out there and yet I cannot find anything to read or listen to. It is really becoming a pain because I know I used to love it and could always find something out on the web to keep me busy. None of the games that are on Facebook seem to keep me attentive anymore and they all have really become something that my brain is not being used.

I feel like I have no stimulation in my life and yet at the same time I do not have any energy to even do something with stimulation if it was sitting on my shoulder. I want to be able to do things; I want to be able to leave the house without fear. Why do I feel like I am trapped in my own body and why am I so darn nervous to venture any further then my front yard? Is it Robert who walks me right downstairs when we get home from any place? Is it me just wanting to get away from everything, these are things that I don’t know anymore. And why the darn memory loss, why do I forget when people tell me things, why do I forget I have done things? And the depression, oh my god how deep it can be and for what seems like no reason at all. I mean I could actually be sitting there and just drop in mood, I can tell you this, I can fully understand why anyone would want to take their own lives. When you’re in such a deep state of depression it feels so hopeless and despair. Its worse then the bottom of the barrel. I look fine on the outside like there is nothing going on, but inside it is like an internal fight raging on. I am trying so hard to get better faster but it seems like my mind just will not listen to me. I almost hate living in this body because it seems so damaged and yet it used to be so strong. I am often confused by things that come up, like I did know about them but I didn’t know or did not realize that the time is flying by so fast. Time sometimes feels like it is at a stand still and yet things come up so fast that I am caught off guard.

I think it is my mind just filled with so much stuff that I don’t really realize that things are just coming up. And the real big deal in my life is why I am afraid of the outside world? I feel so much more comfortable just being inside the house in fact it feels safer inside then on the outside. But some of it is starting to make a little sense like when I am at a hotel or at home by myself because I have to sleep with several lights on. I have no safety present to protect me in case something were to happen like anything would happen. How can a 44 year old man be so afraid to go out and feel these feelings that I have? Why is it that when we are camping I feel safer at night where I can go sit around the fire yet give it a little sun and I feel like the whole world is out to stare at me. What really hurts the most is that I hurt my family a whole lot over this whole PTSD problem. My memory has been affected, my sense of security is all messed up, my feeling of being the strong one in the house has dwindled down to where I don’t know anymore. And you know, I don’t really think it is something new to me, it is just after this volcano erupted in February that it has just gotten so worse it is out of control. I mean I used to always go to wal-mart and stick to the outside walking area and not really go into the middle of the store where the clothes are. I used to think it was because I hated to shop for clothes but I sit here and now wonder if it had to do with being stuck in an isle with no safe route out if I needed to get out and get out fast. I don’t know really but I do know that from what I have read about this ECT treatment if it goes as planned it should calm my mind down to almost the way it was before the depression set in. Cause one of the biggest problems in my life is the depression which really stops me from doing things like moving and getting out. I hope I will be able to really have an enjoyable week and weekend coming up. Until Next Time...