I will break free from these chains..

            When I was abused, it was not abuse but rather something that I asked for. When I was abused, it was not abuse because I always made myself available. When I was abused, it was not abuse because I never told so I must have liked it. When I was abused, it was not abuse because they loved me and when someone loves you the things they do can’t be bad it has to be good. When I was abused, a lot of the thoughts I had were just that and for that reason for years I felt dirty, ashamed and worst of all I felt I was to blame. I lived this way for many years, never telling anyone about my abuse, hiding it from the world because I did not want to be labeled something I was not and besides, my abuse was written across my forehead for others who wanted to abuse me. I was put on this earth to serve, to keep quiet, keep secrets and was never to go outside the family ring or else.

            These are real feelings and thoughts I carried for most all of my life, including well into my adult life. The first time I was to change my daughter’s diaper it hit me that something was wrong with me and the feelings were now being put into question. What I learned, I suffered from a syndrome that went undetected until the late 70’s. When the abuse first started I was told that if anyone was to find out my life would be in danger, and since he was in karate classes I had every reason to fear him. The syndrome I refer to is known as the Stockholm syndrome, in which victims become attached to their abuser in several ways which allows the abuse to continue longer. Even after knowing what it is that I suffered from and the reason it all continued, knowing that this syndrome exists and how one succumbs to the power of the abuser it is something that is very hard to overcome and really hinders the healing process.

            I can look back and remember many of the attacks on my body, sexual, physical and mental abuse by the people who I loved and trusted. It becomes so very hard to admit, understand or deal with the fact that the love that was given was actually conditional love based on personal gain of those who I thought were the ones who loved me for being me, a son and a brother. The road to recovery for me is plagued with confusion and misunderstood actions that reactions now become questions of everything that I have become and I really have a hard time answering the basic question of who I am. Every day of my life up until now has been based on a lesson, an experience or the way I was raised as a child. I wonder if who I am, where I am and what I am are all supposed to be what they are or should I have been something else. It really places a huge damper on thoughts that are needed to progress in getting past this and healing.

            I realized tonight that I started to work towards a goal of becoming free of the pain that I carry, but in order to truly reach my goal I have a lot more work that needs to be done and it needs to start out with a plan of treatment together with my counselor, doctor, family and myself and work feverishly to reach that final goal no matter how long it takes. I will break free from the kind of thinking I have carried all these years. Once I do this I will break free from the chains that hold me to this wall that is slowly starting to fall. I will be free and I will know without any question that I am a survivor. Until Next Time.