Is it in legal terms.

            It’s just after dinner and I decided to bring my computer out and check out my own Facebook to see what’s going on out in the real world. I have been pretty quiet most of the day and basically sleeping all day. Dealing with the confusion has drained me and just brought in more depression. What I can’t believe is the lack of compassion or understanding from the staff on this floor. The floor I am on is the Psychiatric floor of the local hospital. I turned on my computer and went to look at the Facebook that is linked to this blog and a nurse decided to look over my shoulder.

            The one nurse that did ask about the title of the last blog post and what happened. She tried to brush it off and told me that she looked and saw nothing about what was written. I tried to explain to her I met with my social worker who showed it to me during our meeting. One of the nurses who were in the intake overheard the nurse and I talking and piped up that it was being handled and that I needed to drop it. I explained that I was not the one who brought it up and she proceeded to tell me that it is being taken care of, that the situation has been taken care of that in fact everyone has been told about it, almost as if she was disciplined. She then told me to drop it and walked away before I could make any comment. It is almost like I rattled the cage and now I get snipped at.

            When I was in another local hospital the nurses acted that because I was in for a mental problem, in this case depression, treated everyone on the floor as second hand citizens. Now I can see that a few here can be the same why when they feel you are attacking on of them, the fault gets placed back on the one with a mental problem. Okay, what ever. You would think that a staff that should be trained in mental work would have some extra compassion and understanding. Walk up and explain a mistake was make and apologize over it and admit wrong. Try and understand that what that word does to a Survivor and how that persons mind reacts to the situation. Try and understand that what a person is going through and then to have that term mentioned. One nurse said she thought it read that I was forced to rape my sister at the hands of my father. First of all it was not my father, it was my brother.

Photobucket            Forced to rape my sister, could it be that is what happened? Was I forced to rape my sister at the hands of my brother? I have always explained that my brother forced me to have intercourse with my sister, but is that defined as rape? Now I don’t know how or what to think now that this nurse made this comment. Because I did not put up a fight because I did not really know what we were doing did I willingly rape my sister at the direction of my brother? One thing for sure is I cannot go to any of these nurses and explain how I am feeling or what is going on. I have never felt so unsafe and so awkward in my life. I questioned so much, learned so much and if what happened when I was 8 years is considered rape to professionals then it changes everything that I am. Forced to rape my sister, at that age when we did not even know what the word sex was or even what we were doing. I am supposed to have my first ECT tomorrow and if it goes well I am going home either Friday night or Saturday morning. In fact I may go ask to sign out and request that I be able to come in the morning for my ECT, if all the rest can be done on an out patient why not the first one. I know they want to be able to watch me and how I react to the first procedure but I don’t know if I can trust the nurses to do their jobs correctly if they treat me this way. Maybe I am being over paranoid or is just the child in my wanting to run away but I do feel like going to my room and just staying in bed which is about what I am going to do.

            On that note I can’t wait for tomorrow to come and the first ECT done. I am going to discuss with the doctor about going home either tomorrow or first thing Saturday morning. I will say this and I would and could not do but for the first time I feel like standing in front of a train. Forced to rape my sister, now I am going to have to go look to see just what any definition says about rape. I am going to find out if these professional nurses are correct or not. Until Next Time….

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