Today I found I have an anchor that keeps me in the state of depression that I am in, it's called flashbacks. Images and vivid thoughts of the past that keep me haunted by the trauma I suffered at the hands of others and things that I have done to others.
On Sunday I did what I set out to do, and that was to attend church, to get out of the house and try and start fighting my fears. It was a major step for me and while I was proud of myself and what I did, I sat there having flashbacks where I never thought I would. I fought them and stayed, I did not leave nor did I allow myself to seep into the depths of depression however they were and are very vivid. I can remember going to confession over my past because my parents made me feel that it was my fault and I needed to confess my sins. I could remember the priest asking me to give details on what I had done and having to explain to him everything. I think this is why as an adult and church I am afraid to go to confession or I feel uncomfortable around priests. No, I was never abused by one as so many boys have been so that is not my fear.
I do have a fear for my children and them going to youth groups involving the church, although I don't want to hold them back in their own faith. It was a youth minister who abused me when I was about 16 years old who used my past to work his way into my mind. I guess this is one of the major reasons I don't like to discuss my past, other then what is on the surface. It goes back to the last post where I discussed finding someone for support and allowing them in to see just what had happened to me. While they may not want to abuse me, I have fears of being taken advantage of in someway. Being venerable on so many levels really makes living such a chore and a job. One of the hardest jobs I have ever done in my life, which is one reason I don't understand how I made it to age 48 except I am afraid of death. I do believe in God however I question life after death because of everything I have been through I can't imagine being able to go there. I guess in someways I still carry some blame as to some of the things that happened.
Tonight I sit here, almost in a panic and very depressed over things that I did that lead up to me being here where I am. Some say it's because of my past, some say it's just who I am and some say i was in someway always like this. Either way, It does not help knowing this and the other things in my life that happened even had taken place. And while I turned to people for help and was either ignored or given poor guidance the choices I made were, like I was told, my choices and I need to live with them. Well here comes the problem, how does one live with the choices they made when the choices they made were dictated by events in your life and fully understanding boundaries was just not something that was taught to me as a child. When my whole family carried on the way they did and I lived my life thinking that everything was okay when in fact it was not. How does one accept life as it was all while trying like hell to change it especially when everyone around you carries blame and anger towards you for it. How does one get over the pain when the pain you caused others, they can't get over?
I just don't know how to deal with the feelings anymore and the depression that I carry. I would love to know that everything is going to be okay, however I don't and can't feel that way. I can't see the path I am on anymore because it is clouded with so many random thoughts and images that I am drawn back by the anchor that holds me there. I don't know how to break the chains that bind me to my past and I can't break free from the guilt I carry from so many unclear images that I see. Example my parents, I loved them however they did nothing to protect me. In the end my mother had the last laugh as she gave everything to my niece yet I did everything in my power to do for them. I never cry for her, I never go to the cemetery to visit my parents and I carry hatred in my heart, yet I am confused because I loved them. Things like this I fight with everyday and most times the fights are to overwhelming to handle. And right now, as I try and stay grounded I have no one to call for that support I so could use right now.
I feel so bad that I should seek medical attention however I am trying a part time driving job to see if I can get past my agoraphobia and tomorrow I have two pick ups. I am not fully sure if doing this is a good idea or not, not only because of the major panic I have for doing it but because of nights like tonight where I feel I need help because of thoughts running through my head just might hinder the whole job thing. I just don't know anymore what to do, I just don't know.