I just don't know today.

            Today is Monday November 22^nd and I type the date because it has been 2 days since I posted a blog. I am feeling very depressed and withdrawn and tonight I don’t know what to write about. I am back on the downswing of this roller coaster and I do not even know why. I spent most of today sleeping, I just could not wake up to save my own life if I had to. Sometimes the depression gets so deep like today, just like the last blog I stated it was one of the top 10, which this is going into that top again.

            Over the weekend, we took our foreign exchange to New York City and it was horrible for me to say the least. Leaving for the trip I normally feel save in the car with my wife however as we drove further and further from the house the more uncomfortable I got and scared, I was stepping way out of my comfort zone and had no real safe place to run to if I needed to. The hotel room did provide comfort as long as I was in the room, which I did have my laptop with me and that is one way I relax myself however I was unable to type very well due to my shaking. There were several things I did notice that I do that I was not aware I was doing, and that is something I have always done before but just did not notice. I spoke before how I was afraid of public bathrooms, but I realized that I act in certain ways while in them. When I first enter I walk rather slowly as if I am scoping the layout in order to find the safest place. I would expect that I would use the stall that was closest to the door but I realized that I never do and the reason is that it is like running to the corner. The one thing I noticed was that I spend the whole time looking through the door jams to make sure the area was clear and no one was looking through as well as listening to the times the doors open and close to see how many people walked in and that the same number walked out. I know this was something I normally did however I can see the reasons now why. Going to the corner makes it so that when people walk in they are only coming from one direction and I can pay attention to the one way.

            One thing was a trigger and that was train to take her into the city to meet her mother and that was the actual ride. I knew that I would become afraid during the five minute because I was not going to have that easy way out but a trigger was not what I was expecting. I was staying very grounded handling my fears but I was taken back to riding a trolley car in Philadelphia as a child. I remember when I was with my brother and a friend of his from the air force base we lived at. I remember him picking on me which was normal but having to run because they had a high power pellet rifle and shot a man from across the street of a path we were on. I do not remember why we were on this path or what it had to do with anything but the flashback was one that placed a fear inside me for a reason I have no idea. What made this fear and what the fear is was one that I do not really know. It was a fear that I don’t and can’t say I remember or can say every having before.

            This is going to be a short entry because I am really not able to type, my mind is so cloudy that I can’t stay focused on a topic. I can’t think and I feel so drained. I am going to go to bed tonight early even though I got over 17 hours a straight sleep and then took a 4 hour nap. The weekend took such a toll on my body and mind It is one that I will not be able to do for anytime soon. Going out will be something that is going to take a little bit to get back to trusting again. So, Until Next Time….