We get by with a little help from our Family, Friends and Support Groups.

            For the past month, I have been sharing parts of my past, present and thoughts. It has been a hard month as it has been over the past nine months when this volcano erupted causing a massive flux of memories. I have learned many things on my road to recovery but the one thing I have learned is that what I have done during these nine months is not what someone should do. I gave up friends, I deleted everyone from my Facebook, refused to talk to people on the phone and let emails go unanswered. Just as the beetles sang "you get by with a little help from your friends" I found that the most important things in surviving are friends and family. My family here, my sister in Florida, friends from work and groups such as MaleSurvivor.org and Betrayed Boys where meeting other people who share a past in more ways then one. Sure, it’s not like sharing your favorite color, or car, or ice cream but a past that was created at the hands of others. It is family, friends and groups like these where one can ask questions and find those hard to find answers that get you by. If it were not for everyone who as stood by me, I would not be here today.

            On many occasions when I would feel like the world was caving in on me, it was the people around me who picked me up and got me back on my feet. But it has not been an easy road to say the least. When the memories first started flowing in I could not deal with it, sometimes even today I can’t deal with my past. Visions, objects or even words can trigger a reaction and even thought I may have seen that object a hundred times it takes one time for it to become a trigger, and it may never trigger again. I believe that my mind processes what I am looking at different at that moment and the object may become something other then what it was. Just like when I was yelling at my son, if I had a dollar for every time I yelled at my son I would be up living next door to Donald Trump. My question is why the last time I yelled and he yelled back again his face turned into my brother at a young age. I seem to feel that subconsciously memories and visions are always spinning around just waiting for something to trigger them out into the open. It has to be something because I don’t understand how the littlest things can cause me to lapse into depression and fears.

            What also puzzles me is why depression hits me so hard that it also gives me the impression that the subconscious plays such a major roll in memories and recovery. I have shared for over a month, I have talked about it with my counselor and even discussed it with other survivors yet it only feels like my conscious understands and knows what is going on yet somewhere inside me the battle continues. I have yet to find a way to allow my subconscious understand that I am safe, and with that my three alters are also unaware of the safety I am in that no one is going to harm me. What really needs to be done is I need to find a way for my mind to be reprogrammed to believe people are not out to get me, they are not watching me, authority has it’s proper place in society and that my body is mine and not for someone to take advantage of. I mention this after thinking and reading the blog from yesterday about the men’s room and how I react to being in one. I also started to think about how I react when speaking to a man who is a homosexual and feeling the need to be in front and not behind or hidden from his view. It was the sexual acts that I was taught and raised with because of my brother and feeling the need to be around him all the time to in someway feel safe and to have the feeling of some control over my abuse. My last counselor referred to this as the Stockholm syndrome.

            Sometimes when I look at all my fears, feelings, actions, thoughts and reactions I begin to wonder if I will ever truly recover from my trauma or if the path I am on is going to take longer then I expect. I know that on all my medical reports to my insurance company they have me out of work longer then twelve months. That scares me, but it makes sense because if anything I agree with is the lack of sleep, constant depression, physical shakes and lack of memory. I most times can’t remember things that I am told just 10 minutes ago I am afraid I am going to forget my job, how to do it and how to use the special software in completing my job. More little fears that pop up, that and the low funds of disability with eight children. Needless to say, this proves that PTSD can come on to someone at any time, any place and with varying degrees. It is also shocking to understand that Dissociative Identity Disorder is real and that as a result of my type and length of my abuse that it is something that I have to deal with. So much, that during conversations of my past, during typing in my journal and when triggers hit that they actually will come out and take over my body and will explain things that I am not aware of or remember. One night I wrote in my journal and the style of my writing changed, the way the sentences changed and things came out that after I read it I actually cried for the first time in my life. At least I believe it was me, but it could have been another alter who when comes out seems to cry. Me as a person, the last time I remember truly crying was the beating I took from my mother, I never cried again.

            Well, I do know that a majority I wrote I have written before yet what comes out is not always what I intend to write or comment about. The point I wanted to say was how important it is for someone with PTSD to hold onto the people around you no matter how hard it is. Try not to give into the acting out while in that deep depression, with help you can over come that part of the depression but it does not mean you will not become depressed. Seek out friends, groups and family and get the information you need and the support that you and I deserve. On this one month anniversary of my blog I realize that I have such a long way to go, and I will continue to blog as it does help. Until Next Time…