The Unknown Path.

     Tonight is confession night as I again feel I need to start my blogging again. It's been since 2011 when I last posted to my blog and so much has happened to me, my life and the view of my future. Ever since a three week stretch, in an out of two hospitals my life has begun to take some changes in both the way I think and feel. I have been told by several people that they have seen a change in me, and I hope that the path I am on is closer to healing rather then heading towards either another breakdown or let down of emotions.

     Emotions, the key to what keeps me going and what has me starting to write in my blog again. The fact is, on July 9th I broke it off with my girlfriend and also was informed my divorce was in fact final. For those who followed my blog in the past read how strong my family was for me and how I was getting by with them in my life. Fact again is that all that was lost when someone came into my life and in my condition was able to take me away from my family so much to the point I lost my marriage, my oldest daughter and most of all the respect of friends who I had. Although the last two years I was in a relationship with this person, I believed everything that was going on was what I wanted, truth is I don't know what it is even now what I want. What turned out was this relationship was a very unhealthy one that took a major toll on my life, my feelings and ultimately my family.

     What started out as a trip to the hospital ended up in me moving out, leaving my wife and family, entering a new relationship and within four months a child in my life. Only in the last two months have I realized after talking to my now ex-wife and listening to my children did I look closer at how I was feeling in this relationship and just how things came to be. A part of me knew I did not want to be in this relationship because I would always tell my children that I was breaking it off only to remain in it. This cause a lot of mistrust in my children because they had been telling me the kind of relationship I was in was not right but I stayed despite what family and friends had told me. In fact not only did I loose family but I threw away friends for this relationship, something I now look back and regret horribly that I did however what happened was nothing short of manipulation and control over my life and because of my condition mentally I had no idea nor did I see what was going on.
 
     What should have been easily recognized by any normal person, my mentality allowed things to happen as well as progress over the years and months. You see, after being abused for so many years when put into a situation as a child I would not fight but rather crawl into myself and become numb. This action was the reason that two more people were allowed to sexually abuse me even after the abuse that I have already received. I realized this time, just as in the past, I was under control because of fear. I was afraid to stand up to this person which only allowed the relationship to continue even though deep inside I knew I was afraid of her. My children were not allowed to do my wash, visit and cook for me, not allowed to do certain things and I was never able to
stand up for them even though it upset me that it was happening. Basically I was living my life in fear without the strength or ability to stand up for myself in anyway, just like the child who could not do the same every time I was sexually abused over and over. Problem is, what happened before started at the age of five years old and I am now forty seven years old. Currently it really depresses me because I wonder if I will ever be able to feel safe or even love again and not worry about if it is real or not.
 
    Someday I hope that I will be able to have my Daughter back in my life, even though I have lost two years of her life which included her going off to college, going on college visits and other events in her life. I know I will never get these back and I will never get back all the things I have missed. I have become friends with my Ex-wife however she is in a new relationship as well that is very healthy and I honestly do support because I see all the things she is doing now that I was never able to do with her. It makes me realize too that after twenty two years of marriage that my whole life I have been mentally disabled just not to the extent I am in after my breakdown three years ago. It also makes me wonder if I would ever be able to make a woman happy because of my disability and my fears. Even speaking to a woman in the apartment complex she stated that she was in a relationship where the guy could not go out very much and just how unhappy she was until she ended it, and she is disabled as well. So it makes me question not only what there is that I have to offer someone but if I could even begin to be happy myself always questioning if what I am in is real or not.
 
     Well, I am going to end tonight's blog post with all this in mind. I know I am embarking on a new path in my life and that I need to walk this path alone but how far or how long I have no choice but to leave it to God. I can no longer make quick decisions and I need to question my well thought out decisions or I may end up back to where I was before this week. So with that said, I hope you understand and best wishes to you the reader.

Comments

Just Me said…
So much has happened that you can not give up... God has a plan, you just do not see it or totally understand it.. I have ALWAYS said from the beginning that you were intended to do great things... Maybe it took hitting the rock bottom of life to realize that even though you were abused, your life was not so bad and that you truly survived!!!!! Don't give up!!!!! :-)

By the way, it is nice to see you utilizing the tools to help you recover!!!!

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