Am I really a Survivor?
This afternoon someone on the boards made an excellent comment as this is something I have been dealing with for a while now. I have had my counselor say that I am a survivor as did my Psychiatrist and I say I don't feel like one, and the truth is I don't. My abuse that I remember started back when I was 7 years old, but I have many questions about things that go back as far as age three. And with the physical and mental abuse lasting longer than the sexual I question if I am or not.
Now I know that I survived the abuse, and sometimes I really feel it was close. An example of this is back when Dad was stationed in Japan I came down with symptoms of my hair falling out, falling off chairs, falling from standing and unable to control my arms like holding a fork. I was told that I would go to the Japanese neighbor’s home and we would play match cars. Mama-sun would then give us cookies and milk and we would eat. Well, I was told that along the walls was rat poison and I would ingest it and this was the reason for my problem. After reading my medical records it was found I had a small trace of Arsenic Poison in my system and the other boys she told the doctors had no problems and tested negative for any poisons. So you see where my questions come from on how I really got the poison and I am not sure I really want to know the answer.
I made a comment about someone who has cancer and has surgery to remove it. Up until they have the surgery that person has cancer, they are not survivors until it can be verified that all the cancer has been removed. These people are known as cancer survivors and not cancer patients anymore, however if the cancer reoccur’s I have never heard as someone who has the cancer back as a survivor. In my mind this is how I feel about what I am going thru and being a survivor. Yes, I did survive the abuse as I am alive to be here to type and breath however what I am going thru reliving everything all over again puts me back in that place of being abused. Now you might think that is different because there is no real abuse going on it is just flashbacks. If I were to cut, it would be considered self harm true? If my mind creates these physical and emotional flashbacks and I do not want them to happen and have no control I look at it like the abuse has reoccurred and I need medical attention to help me get past this end of this.
Now I am not downplaying that to say we are not all survivors, because I know I survived the abuse I am just saying how I feel about being called a survivor. In some ways this is somewhat worst because I am living some part almost everyday, it is effecting my wife and children now and it has changed the person I am before this all came crashing down. I don't act the same way I did around people, I am afraid to leave my home, I am on more pills then my father had when he died at age 67 and I spend most of my days alone in my room on the computer with only one light on. My wife refers to this as the cave, I am down in my cave just living. Problem is that is so much a true statement, I am just living now. My depression is so deep that my self esteem has hit rock bottom, I don't have any energy and most times I just don't feel like waking up and getting out of bed.
This is the reason I kind of view it this way, because of the now and not so much the then. This is if you consider my Disassociation Disorder, I am no longer one person but I am the voice of several now. I know now that my inner child was not really killed as I once stated before but that he lives in a special part of my mind. What I can really say is that my inner child survived the abuse by learning how to deal with the abuse at the moment it was happening. This is the reason that I don't remember a lot of what went on except now thru flashbacks and triggers that I am starting to remember. Things that my inner child and other alters have lived true and now are starting to have me remember so I can heal. This is no doubt one of the hardest things I have ever had to do in my life; it is the heaviest cross that I have carried. And now it is the reason I am on the Heavy Road to Surviving Sexual Abuse......
Now I know that I survived the abuse, and sometimes I really feel it was close. An example of this is back when Dad was stationed in Japan I came down with symptoms of my hair falling out, falling off chairs, falling from standing and unable to control my arms like holding a fork. I was told that I would go to the Japanese neighbor’s home and we would play match cars. Mama-sun would then give us cookies and milk and we would eat. Well, I was told that along the walls was rat poison and I would ingest it and this was the reason for my problem. After reading my medical records it was found I had a small trace of Arsenic Poison in my system and the other boys she told the doctors had no problems and tested negative for any poisons. So you see where my questions come from on how I really got the poison and I am not sure I really want to know the answer.
I made a comment about someone who has cancer and has surgery to remove it. Up until they have the surgery that person has cancer, they are not survivors until it can be verified that all the cancer has been removed. These people are known as cancer survivors and not cancer patients anymore, however if the cancer reoccur’s I have never heard as someone who has the cancer back as a survivor. In my mind this is how I feel about what I am going thru and being a survivor. Yes, I did survive the abuse as I am alive to be here to type and breath however what I am going thru reliving everything all over again puts me back in that place of being abused. Now you might think that is different because there is no real abuse going on it is just flashbacks. If I were to cut, it would be considered self harm true? If my mind creates these physical and emotional flashbacks and I do not want them to happen and have no control I look at it like the abuse has reoccurred and I need medical attention to help me get past this end of this.
Now I am not downplaying that to say we are not all survivors, because I know I survived the abuse I am just saying how I feel about being called a survivor. In some ways this is somewhat worst because I am living some part almost everyday, it is effecting my wife and children now and it has changed the person I am before this all came crashing down. I don't act the same way I did around people, I am afraid to leave my home, I am on more pills then my father had when he died at age 67 and I spend most of my days alone in my room on the computer with only one light on. My wife refers to this as the cave, I am down in my cave just living. Problem is that is so much a true statement, I am just living now. My depression is so deep that my self esteem has hit rock bottom, I don't have any energy and most times I just don't feel like waking up and getting out of bed.
This is the reason I kind of view it this way, because of the now and not so much the then. This is if you consider my Disassociation Disorder, I am no longer one person but I am the voice of several now. I know now that my inner child was not really killed as I once stated before but that he lives in a special part of my mind. What I can really say is that my inner child survived the abuse by learning how to deal with the abuse at the moment it was happening. This is the reason that I don't remember a lot of what went on except now thru flashbacks and triggers that I am starting to remember. Things that my inner child and other alters have lived true and now are starting to have me remember so I can heal. This is no doubt one of the hardest things I have ever had to do in my life; it is the heaviest cross that I have carried. And now it is the reason I am on the Heavy Road to Surviving Sexual Abuse......
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