Bad day, for no reason.
Today I had a really bad day, and the problem is I don't even know why. I fell asleep last night about 2am and normally I will wake up around 11am. Today I could not wake up, I forced myself out of bed at 2pm almost a 12 hour sleep. I woke up feeling very depressed with the feeling that something had happened, maybe in my dream or a flashback that I was not aware of. The rest of the day I was depressed, unhappy and my mind just would not stop spinning around in circles. The nice thing is that I did not experience any flashbacks throughout the day, which is a good thing.
But I have a question for you, they placed me on a CPAP Machine to see if the lack of sleep was caused by the Apnea that I have or the Depression. To be honest, I have been wearing this machine for two weeks now and I have not noticed any change in my mind or body. I don't have anymore energy nor do I go the full day without feeling tired and wore out. I really don't think that the problem is the Apnea but it was worth the try as I am willing to do anything to get out of this slump.
I did not discuss last night some things that came to mind thanks to my sister, who I love very much. We were talking on the phone and she mentioned how mother would dictate who we could see, who we could talk to, what we could wear, where we could go and how long. Even as an adult living at home at age 23 I had curfews that I had to abide by. Of course, I was so used to mother being the controller it never bothered me. But the reason I bring this up is that she did have me remember something that I took for granted. After I was married a couple of years I flew down to visit them, my family. When they saw the clothes that I had packed my mother and brother said they would not be caught dead walking around with me, took me to the mall and made me get new clothes. The funny thing is that my brother purchased them with a check that bounced so I it went out of site. These were some of the mental things that they had done well into the years after I moved out. Of course, mother and her suicide threats every time I did not take the path, agree with her, not give her what she wanted were always the one that did me in. I once flew down out of fear that she was going to do something, I told her I wanted to surprise her because I was so scared.
Now I told you that I had turned my brother into the DA once I heard he abused my nephew. Oh how my parents disowned me, this was 2004 and it really hurt to be left the way I was. Mind you, up until now I never fully understood or admitted that I had really been abused. I never knew or admitted that my mother knew about all the sexual and physical abuse that went on. So when I was labeled as "The Uni-Bomber" because it was the bombers brother who turned him in I felt like a little child who had been beaten by his parents all over again. I would get letters in the mail from my mother and brother that went up and down me for betraying the family. My father spent the last 3 years of his life only saying so many words that I can count them on my hands. Once my wife and sister-in-law drove down to visit her parents with all of the kids. My parents REFUSED to allow them to visit them, my wife was not even allowed to drop the kids off and pick them up later. Because of what I had done, they wanted nothing to do with my family. I know what your thinking, why would I even bother to want to be a part of them. You must remember, up to this point I was still trying to obtain their approval, to be told they were proud of me, basically I was still a young child looking to be loved which after all these years I was never given as a child or teen. My wife always said that I was looking for something from my parents that I would never get, I never believed her however now that I am going threw this I can see why she would say that because I was. And to top that off, even though we were married when ever my parents came to visit my brother (they have NEVER stayed one night at my home) I mentally changed and would become that child again putting them first in front of my wife and children. I never really noticed it but my wife sure did. She would deal with it until they left and would then bring it to my attention. Heck, if she did while they were here we would fight really bad and I would really slam what she was telling me. Looking back, she was so right.
Yeah, I referred to mother as a Travel Agent because she booked guilt trips. She was good at that and knew how to control me 1400 miles apart. Even when my brother called my inner child would go back to what they refer to as the "Stockholm Syndrome" and cower to him as well.
Well, that's going to be for now. I know I may repeat some things when I write in this blog but this is how my mind works. I forget what I wrote so I write what is on my mind at the moment. Tomorrow at noon I have an appointment with my counselor and we are going to discuss my last journal that I had emailed her. I don't remember which or what it said but going to find out. Till next time......
But I have a question for you, they placed me on a CPAP Machine to see if the lack of sleep was caused by the Apnea that I have or the Depression. To be honest, I have been wearing this machine for two weeks now and I have not noticed any change in my mind or body. I don't have anymore energy nor do I go the full day without feeling tired and wore out. I really don't think that the problem is the Apnea but it was worth the try as I am willing to do anything to get out of this slump.
I did not discuss last night some things that came to mind thanks to my sister, who I love very much. We were talking on the phone and she mentioned how mother would dictate who we could see, who we could talk to, what we could wear, where we could go and how long. Even as an adult living at home at age 23 I had curfews that I had to abide by. Of course, I was so used to mother being the controller it never bothered me. But the reason I bring this up is that she did have me remember something that I took for granted. After I was married a couple of years I flew down to visit them, my family. When they saw the clothes that I had packed my mother and brother said they would not be caught dead walking around with me, took me to the mall and made me get new clothes. The funny thing is that my brother purchased them with a check that bounced so I it went out of site. These were some of the mental things that they had done well into the years after I moved out. Of course, mother and her suicide threats every time I did not take the path, agree with her, not give her what she wanted were always the one that did me in. I once flew down out of fear that she was going to do something, I told her I wanted to surprise her because I was so scared.
Now I told you that I had turned my brother into the DA once I heard he abused my nephew. Oh how my parents disowned me, this was 2004 and it really hurt to be left the way I was. Mind you, up until now I never fully understood or admitted that I had really been abused. I never knew or admitted that my mother knew about all the sexual and physical abuse that went on. So when I was labeled as "The Uni-Bomber" because it was the bombers brother who turned him in I felt like a little child who had been beaten by his parents all over again. I would get letters in the mail from my mother and brother that went up and down me for betraying the family. My father spent the last 3 years of his life only saying so many words that I can count them on my hands. Once my wife and sister-in-law drove down to visit her parents with all of the kids. My parents REFUSED to allow them to visit them, my wife was not even allowed to drop the kids off and pick them up later. Because of what I had done, they wanted nothing to do with my family. I know what your thinking, why would I even bother to want to be a part of them. You must remember, up to this point I was still trying to obtain their approval, to be told they were proud of me, basically I was still a young child looking to be loved which after all these years I was never given as a child or teen. My wife always said that I was looking for something from my parents that I would never get, I never believed her however now that I am going threw this I can see why she would say that because I was. And to top that off, even though we were married when ever my parents came to visit my brother (they have NEVER stayed one night at my home) I mentally changed and would become that child again putting them first in front of my wife and children. I never really noticed it but my wife sure did. She would deal with it until they left and would then bring it to my attention. Heck, if she did while they were here we would fight really bad and I would really slam what she was telling me. Looking back, she was so right.
Yeah, I referred to mother as a Travel Agent because she booked guilt trips. She was good at that and knew how to control me 1400 miles apart. Even when my brother called my inner child would go back to what they refer to as the "Stockholm Syndrome" and cower to him as well.
Well, that's going to be for now. I know I may repeat some things when I write in this blog but this is how my mind works. I forget what I wrote so I write what is on my mind at the moment. Tomorrow at noon I have an appointment with my counselor and we are going to discuss my last journal that I had emailed her. I don't remember which or what it said but going to find out. Till next time......
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