From good mood to did my mother think I abused my brother?

Wow, I just read yesterday’s blog and I can see my mind was spinning faster then I thought. That is one thing that is awesome about blogging and not doing a journal in a note book or a word document is that it makes it so easy to go back and read what you wrote. After reading this over a couple things came to my mind which started to make sense as I read it and even read it a second time.

If you read my blog at all, I have said I have two alters, Keith and Robert. Well, I am aware of one other however I don't mention much about him because I am unable to find out anything about him. All I know is that he sits on a plate, like a dinner plate, and spins around and around. He does not talk; he just sits there and spins. I call him Michael. So like I said I was reading over my blog and the reference to the top spinning on the table, afraid to get close to the edge, fall off and break. Does this not sound like Michael and what he does? I could not believe that I used a top as an example but if you think about it, a plate is on a table and if the plate were to fall then the plate could break. It just amazed me again because I am still in amazement that I even have alters or that they are real. But I am learning fast that it's very normal in someone who has PTSD.

Today I had my meeting with my counselor which I went to without canceling. On the way there my mind was thinking, as it always does, and I was thinking about how my mother hated me. It dawned on me the reason why and it never occurred to me that she was telling me all along. When my mother and father were to get married my grandmother disapproved of their wedding because he was not marrying someone from Pittsburgh. From that moment on my mother really hated my grandmother whose maiden name was Davis. I remember now, all my life my mother telling me that I was the only one of the kids who took after the Davis side. I looked like a Davis, acted like a Davis or had the attitude of a Davis. I remembered that all my photos as a child, I really did look like my Uncle and nothing like my father. My brother on the other hand looked just like my father. When I got home from counseling I pulled out the photo album and sure enough, I have a photo I hang on my wall of my father and uncle as children and sure as pigs play in the mud, I looked like my uncle. So I believe now that I have an answer to why my mother hated me and that all along she would make comments I thought were just put downs. She very well may have been telling me her true feelings all along. And you know what the funniest part of this is; my mother was like my grandmother in so many ways I really smiled today for the first time, in a long time.

On the other side of the day, it was a bad day for physical flash backs with more sensations and feelings. I wanted to get sick and I tried to change my thoughts as fast as I could but like I said yesterday, it is so hard to do that while wading through the flood that has filled my head. Tonight I feel as if I am on the upswing after many days of the low, Currently I feel I am in a good mood, my mind is sitting on something else which is not good but I think is good, a cold room with no heat. Funny, several years ago I slept with the bedroom window open because I loved the fresh air and the warmth of the blanket snuggled under it. Then again that was more when I was younger and could deal with the cold weather better then I can now. Now, it's a fire place and two blankets and windows sealed up tight. Oh how things change as we get older, learn about things and view things a whole lot different then we would have many years ago, and I am only 44 what happens at 60? I am in no hurry to find out.

So I was discussing my mother and her anger, how she was controlling and all that. When my mother passed away I found a letter she had written to my father incase she passed away before he did. To read this letter was such a shock because I could not believe my mother felt this way about my father. There was so much hatred in the letter she wrote that I am actually grateful that he passed away first. This letter would have killed him on the spot or he would be nothing but a blob in such a state of depression the rest of his life. They were married 47 years when dad died, and to read this letter made it sound like she hated him from almost day one. I realize that my mother was someone who carried a lot of anger for some reason and cared about nothing, nothing but my brother that is. And as I sit here and think of it, my brother was also my grandmother on my moms side favorite. Everything was him to them and to my mother so that is something else that makes some sense into my mother.

So, mother makes a lot of sense now but the unanswered question to all this is why. I really don't care why anymore, it's just amazing how it was all in front of me and I never saw it. And the other why in my life is my sexual abuse. Why she allowed it to go on and did nothing to stop it. I know I mentioned before what she told us however I don't think I mentioned that on MANY occasions she would make me go to confession to tell my sins of playing nasty. Did you notice I said My Sins? Yeah, my brother was never made to do this and you know what I just now realized? When I went to confessions the priest would ask me to tell in detail about what I was telling him. Two things come to mind now, as I sit here and type this, one is that she must have been aware of a lot more of the sexual abuse then I can even remember, and two I could have become a victim of a priest has this priest been a pedophile like some have turned out to be. The thing that has me in a 180 degree turn on how I was feeling in the beginning of this post is to realize that she did know and somehow I think she felt it was my fault. That maybe I was abusing my brother or the one who started all the sexual behavior? OMG that is something I am having problems swallowing right now. Why would I have to go confess my sins and not my brother? If she knew it enough to tell me to confess, why did she not do anything to stop me from sinning? She continued to have me share a room with my brother and yet this was going on? If my son had any sign of doing this, be it experimental or not I would separate them in a heart beat. And since I was confirmed about the age of nine or ten and my brother was four years older then I was, would that not throw up some type of flag to someone? I realized in the beginning that I was made to go to confession and that this was a confirmation to me that she knew, but to realize that she may have thought it was me? I just sit here in shock right now. I am so sorry, but I do not even know what to type or say.

Well it looks like today’s somewhat good day has ended on a sour note. I really see now why they say that journaling is a good way to get things out and to view things that you already knew in a different way.  I know now what the discussion might be at my next counseling session. We all know how the feeling of did we ask for it plays in the minds of many victims, now I know why my thinking that way was so strong. And some how, I wonder if this is how he was able to beat me and explain it to my mother that I was abusing him. What makes some sense of this now, is that when he was arrested for sexually abusing his own son he claimed that my nephew would come under the blankets, play with HIM and he never told cause he was afraid he would get arrested. If this is what he told the police at his arrest then the possibility is there that he could have been telling my mother all these years. I just don’t know, if I am seeing something more then I should or if it is something more then I am saying. It really looks this way. Well, I am going to go get some sleep if I can. I will blog again tomorrow night so, Until Next Time…….