Trying to understand internal feelings and reactions.

            It is Tuesday night just passing into Wednesday morning, which means another day has passed and a new day is about to dawn in about 5 hours. Today was another good day ending on a sour note, meaning that just as the sun goes quietly down behind the horizon and night fall covers the sky, depression sets in just as quietly and dramatic as the change in the day.  Another feeling of depression, which is going to make this blog very boring because it seems that the feeling, comes on faster then a bullet passing through air. Just like the feelings of the past, no explanation, no warning just a silent change drifting thru my body and mind. It becomes very depressing being depressed so often with no real reason in front of me.

            I reflected on yesterday’s blog post and realized that I may have been looking at something that was not there, in the fact she felt I was abusing my brother by having my Sister and I going to confession. I spoke to my sister today and we discussed the idea together and while it may have looked as if I was abusing my brother, what really was going on was his control over my mother. The relationship between my mother and brother was very odd, and the older we became the more unusual it became. A few things that make this relationship unusual are how they interacted, the secrets that were kept from my father and his wife, and how my mother became more of a partner rather then a mother. My nephew, the one who was abused, was injured and had to be taken to the hospital. He was taken by my brother and mother where his wife stayed home alone. This happened quite often which brings in the question of why the two would be the ones who took him. Another odd thing is my brother was a member of a nudist colony who often hosted parties in his home, and during these parties my niece would always spend the night at my parents while my nephew was always kept at home. Again, I know my mother knew of my abuse and we are very well aware of this however could this be an indication that she was aware something could have been going on and like me did nothing to protect my nephew but rather protected my brother? When my brother was arrested, I found that all his belongings that had any credit card, loan or rentals were all in my mother’s name. My father claimed that he had no knowledge of any these activities and was very upset because this put my parents in to debt over $20,000 without him able to pay any of these bills. Why she did this I really do not know, yet it is another way how my brother and mother’s bond seemed abnormal. His wife had a child who lived in NY and in order for her to remain with my brother she was forced to give up custody of him which she did. They lived always within a few miles of my parents and he always spent a majority of his time over their house then he did at his own house. Remember, his wife was also the one who was arrested for having sex with underage boys along with him. It actually appears that what I deemed as her believing I abused my brother, was more his ability to take the favoritism shared by my Grandmother and my mother and turn it into his getting his way, or built up to him having some control over them. This also would explain how he was never made to go to confession, received any discipline and was able to obtain so much debt in my mother’s name rather then his.

            Even though I read over yesterday’s blog and discussed it with my sister, I don’t believe it had anything to do with the onset of depression this deep. Tonight’s depression is more like a feeling of being alone, different and almost imploded into the black hole that is the pit within my soul. As normal, this feeling worsens as I try to bring myself out trying to reflect on memories that have had a positive impact on my life or blessings that I should be happy such as my children and the fact I am able to waken each morning. Even though these are things I am grateful for, my head won’t allow me to stay focused on these thoughts. What is weird is that the thoughts I have are actually blank thoughts. There are no thoughts of past bringing me down, what has or has not happened, where I have been or where I am going or even feelings of worthlessness. A blank thought like a blank stare is feeling without the focus of anything, more like a blending of colors all blurred into one distinct feeling. Just as a black hole absorbs light, the blending of colors are all absorbed by this feeling on the inside.

            Dealing with my depression has become a daily activity and become more like a chore. Snapping out of it is not an option anymore but rather something that I have to try and work on every moment. The same has become true with the PTSD, where containment and grounding was once an easy thing to do have now become somewhat difficult because the memories I contain flash back and becomes harder to place back into vault I have created. This creates a problem for me because as time has been passing I feel as if I have been regressing in my healing. I know that there are suppose to be ups and lows during the healing process, but are the lows suppose to be feelings of the original breakdown or are they suppose to be a mild regression backwards? These are some questions I have now and because of these feelings I question if I am actually healing or just molding into a level of self conscious where I know I am here and alive however my inner self has stopped moving in time. I can say that from the perspective of DID there has been more activity between alters and my inner self and I am becoming more aware of the separate feelings each has, which makes it difficult to distinguish between my own feelings and that of an alters. And this could very well be the reason for the depression with the lack of knowledge or understanding of why I am in such a state of depression. It also could be the reason that the depression is so deep rooted that it will last for days becoming so deep at times that the physical part of myself becomes so overwhelmed that any energy or desire to motivate becomes hard, and thus any other desire becomes less important such as having an appetite or even the desire to care for my body on a self hygiene level.

            Either way, it seems to be a revolving door for me. Memories come and go then return, self worth and esteem which go hand in hand do the same, as well as any sense of having any reason to exist outside my own self being. I question many things such as what it would be like to live without the problems I am having, how it would feel to not live with the fears and rejections of self created beliefs. Beliefs that have no grounds yet are very real and powerful enough to disable any sense between past and presence or real and not real. Yesterday’s blog is a good example of this, one memory leads to one thought which in turn leads to speculation and doubt created by my desire to reach some type of reason for the experiences I had growing up. From a child who always looked for acceptance and understanding to an adult looking for the same, but will never really be able to obtain this as the two people I tried to reach are no longer alive to even give this to me. So in my internal search for this, I often create reasons for the lack of, or I continue to search out meanings and try and relate what I may feel or think into some type of reality. This is a question I always ask myself when it comes to feeling the way I do and the flooding of my mind after and that which created my breakdown. So, Until Next Time this can be food for thought tomorrow.