Tonights Scrambled Brain goes into overload.

       Well the weekend is over, and yet another week is coming up, dealing with depression and waiting for the doctor to decide if they are going to do ECT or not. I already know the pills are not working and of course they can't up anything because of the amount of medication I am already on. I am really starting to get angry over this depression. My wife asks me all the time what is wrong and as normal I can't tell her why.

       I just got back from Potsdam where I picked up a file cabinet to take to Liverpool for my Mother-N-Law. I am trying to remember what it was that came flashing into my mind on the way home. This forgetting and memory loss is getting old too. If I could remember I might be able to understand maybe why I am feeling so dam depressed. I know I was driving listening to Elvis on CD and I thought about where I was when he died. But that was no flashback that had nothing to do with my abuse or past. I believe I was thinking about the people's house we were visiting as they were really close to us. Maybe it had me thinking of the Air Force base we were at where the abuse started, but you must remember it started there only because it is the earliest age that I have any memory about. I believe I know what it was, I was thinking how my wife really likes to read my posts before they go online and the one part of my abuse that she has asked that I not discuss on my blog. To me it was and is very shameful even though it was at the hands of my brother. I actually sit here going over in my mind the things that he did to me, had me do and allow other people to do as well.

       I now have been out of work nine months and even though I have been in three hospitals and I am afraid that I am not going as far as I like to in my recovery. Then again life throws so many things at you that trigger things in my mind. Maybe another thing tonight that triggered me is my daughter got upset again with her mother. She told me how she is sick of life and just wants to kill herself. Bam, we know where that took me back to my mother and her pawn because she would always hold suicide over my head to get her way. I know she did not mean to do it, then again she has no idea about my mother.

       Ok, so here I am sitting in front of my laptop typing what is on my mind and I don't feel any better. The pain on the side of my head is back. Speaking of pain, I have this pain on the right side of my head just behind the temple. I was telling my Doctor about how this pain comes and goes and it is just in this one spot, does not move it just stays in this one spot. He said to me, "Your Brother and Father were left handed weren't they?" I said yes why, he tells me that would be the side of the head I would be hit all the time if the person was a lefty. I never ever thought of that, its physical flash backs that ya just don't have any control over. I was always getting slapped up the head. My father’s famous comment when he would do this, "What the hells wrong with your god dam head kid". Over time, it became a joke to me or more so I looked at it as if it were a nickname. Like at the dinner table, he would make me put my hand in front of him and her would stab me with his fork, I started to look at this as a game because I would move my hand as I got older and her would chase my hand stabbing at the table. We grew up with my father drinking so there are a lot of things he would do to hurt us when he was in his drunken state. And when mom made him quit, OH how he hated her. He blamed all their bad luck on her and became a wimp in the house giving total control over everything to my mother.

       Complex PTSD, when abuse happens over a long period of time not just a single happening, this is what I have. It has taken over my live, effected my family and what friends I did have they have walked away and I don't hear from them anymore. Besides the Severe Depression, the things that come along with PTSD really bring a person down even further. I made a comment on Facebook once, that if you want me I would be down to the dump on the bottom of the pile, down in the dumps. It’s a phrase that I can be honest with you does not even come close on how I am feeling when I am this depressed. My mind is spinning around like a top on a table, spinning around and around coming ever so close to the edge where it is just going to fall off the table and break as it hits the floor. Is this how someone feels when they commit suicide? That their life is just spinning and never knowing if it is going to stop or not. Feeling that after 9 months of treatment that the glimmer of hope is getting less and less visible almost as if they are walking away from the light rather then looking into the light. I have these days lately that I just do not want to get out of bed, I don't want to go anyplace and I plane just want to sleep it all away.

       If I know that everything was not something I asked for, then why does it hurt so badly? If I am living today then way are the memories so real to where I can feel and almost smell what it was like at that moment in the past? And what can I do to come out of this depression, they tell me to look at the good things in life but when your mind is so clouded with the past how can you wade through the flood and find a place of good memories. Every time I try and think of something good that happened to me, something comes up to ruin it. Like I loved to play baseball, and I think this was something good in my life and I was good at it. But then I think of how I was always just dropped off and I would play while every other team mate’s parents were there to watch. They even missed my almost home run which I was very proud of, but like I said they never came. Just like they never bothered to come when I played bowling on a league. I had trophies and patches given to me but never a parent to share in my excitement. BUT we attended all my brothers’ band concerts, his field band shows and anything else he was involved in. I was just the tag along. This is the reason I feel that after my sister was born my mother, or parents tried to kill me with that rat poison. GOD I wish I had a memory that could go back that far, I wish I had a memory that could go back as far as 10 minutes ago.

       Oh well, that was my garbled up mind in a nut shell. I have no idea what causes me to have scrambled brains for blogging on nights like this. I just type it as it comes to my head. I think a little bit of Robert came out to do a little typing so I hope no one was offended. Until Next Time.....

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