A very depressing day today.
Today was a gloomy day outside, it was cloudy and raining which sometimes turned into sleet. I don't know if it was the weather outside or a continuation of the last several days. A couple days ago, I wrote about how deep the depression was and what it was doing to me, as a person. Today I could write the same story as if that day continued right into today as one continuous day.
I believe that the problems I suffer from are starting to take its toll on me and my mental status. The depression how it brings me way down, the memory problems forgetting things that happen as short as 2 minutes ago to happenings deep into my past, the alters who act out during the day or even have conversations with my wife to the shaking of my body. Today I was so drained of energy and yet I was shaking like one of those chattering teeth that used to flop around the table if you set it down.
It is hard to believe that what happened in my past has taken so much control over me like it has today. What even surprises me even more is the fact that my mind held it so quiet and distant from my forward self, that when I did have my breakdown and everything came flowing forward where the strength to handle it came from I do not know. What you must understand is that I have dealt with rectal bleeding for as many years as I can remember. I also know that my abuse started at age 7, this I had already knew, but when I found that my first hospital visit for rectal bleeding was at age 7 it bothered me like you could not imagine. And to have the surgeon place the rubber bands on what he called a hemorrhoid then to walk for 3 days feeling the rape all over again just flipped me out. There was nothing I could do, nothing I could say and nothing I could put on it to stop what I had to deal with for those 3 days.
This was for sure the beginning of the meltdown for me and the start of a journey I had no choice but to embark on whether or not I was ready to walk this road. As many people feel I too felt all the emotions that go along with finding out or learning more about who, what, when and how the abuse progressed. The only answer I will never find out is why, and this is one answer that is the most sought after answer for anyone who has been abused. I can say for sure, that a part of my answer can be found in other things that happened at the hands of my brother, and that was for personal satisfaction. Why he needed this form of satisfaction I will never understand and is the other part to the answer I will never get. Even though my brother is still alive, serving a life sentence for Child Sexual Abuse he has never admitted that he had abused my sister or me in anyway. He always viewed it as experimentation, which some very young children will do however never cross the line into the things he had done to us. Another flaw in his reasoning is that when he actually raped me for the last time I was 15 years old which placed him at 19. Not many people at that age are considered children and the age of experimentation had long past.
The Revelation that my Mother had actually had known the abuse was going on really tossed my mind into a spiral from shock into deep depression. For many years I had known about some things that took place in my home but my mind never allowed me to view it as it really was. In fact, after growing up with the abuse it all but seemed normal to me so I never questioned it. Besides the one thing he told us that he would kill us if we ever told, and that it was okay because everybody did it. If that was the case, then I would not have been normal if I did not do it. For someone who was trying to fit in because of social problems caused by my abuse I felt this was the right thing to do. And social problems, I remember listening to a song "Bad Bad Leroy Brown" where he even had a razor in his shoe. I actually put a razor blade in my shoe when I went to school one day because I thought I would be cool or even yet, Bad. The only thing I ended up with was cuts all over the bottoms of my feet. This too would be the beginning of a long road for me as because of my withdrawal at school and at home I often looked for things that I could do to make myself accepted. This is also where the Stockholm syndrome fits into my life. Because I wanted to be accepted and it would be better to stay at my brothers side. This is the one area where I had my confusion on if I was abused or asked for it. I am learning now that I did not ask for it, that in fact he used me for his personal satisfaction is the real reason I suffered at his hands. Not only sexually but physically abused due to the beatings I received by him for refusal to allow him to do his things or just that he liked to beat on me to practice his Karate on me. And it was not a no touch, it was full contact. Mother would always say, one day I would grow up and take him down and he would never get in trouble. Just like she said to bite it off the next time I am forced to go down on his penis. Again he did not get into any trouble and thus it continued.
What really bothers me today is that my depression is not preceded by any thoughts of my past that I know of. I try and live in the present but the fears, shakes and feelings have a tendency to keep my mind not 100% in the present and I really do not know why. This is something that I need to work on and something I need to look deep within myself to see if I can find any clue as to why I act the way that I do. Well, that can be another topic because I have a feeling is has to do with my DID and if it does I need to learn how to control this somehow. Until next time......
I believe that the problems I suffer from are starting to take its toll on me and my mental status. The depression how it brings me way down, the memory problems forgetting things that happen as short as 2 minutes ago to happenings deep into my past, the alters who act out during the day or even have conversations with my wife to the shaking of my body. Today I was so drained of energy and yet I was shaking like one of those chattering teeth that used to flop around the table if you set it down.
It is hard to believe that what happened in my past has taken so much control over me like it has today. What even surprises me even more is the fact that my mind held it so quiet and distant from my forward self, that when I did have my breakdown and everything came flowing forward where the strength to handle it came from I do not know. What you must understand is that I have dealt with rectal bleeding for as many years as I can remember. I also know that my abuse started at age 7, this I had already knew, but when I found that my first hospital visit for rectal bleeding was at age 7 it bothered me like you could not imagine. And to have the surgeon place the rubber bands on what he called a hemorrhoid then to walk for 3 days feeling the rape all over again just flipped me out. There was nothing I could do, nothing I could say and nothing I could put on it to stop what I had to deal with for those 3 days.
This was for sure the beginning of the meltdown for me and the start of a journey I had no choice but to embark on whether or not I was ready to walk this road. As many people feel I too felt all the emotions that go along with finding out or learning more about who, what, when and how the abuse progressed. The only answer I will never find out is why, and this is one answer that is the most sought after answer for anyone who has been abused. I can say for sure, that a part of my answer can be found in other things that happened at the hands of my brother, and that was for personal satisfaction. Why he needed this form of satisfaction I will never understand and is the other part to the answer I will never get. Even though my brother is still alive, serving a life sentence for Child Sexual Abuse he has never admitted that he had abused my sister or me in anyway. He always viewed it as experimentation, which some very young children will do however never cross the line into the things he had done to us. Another flaw in his reasoning is that when he actually raped me for the last time I was 15 years old which placed him at 19. Not many people at that age are considered children and the age of experimentation had long past.
The Revelation that my Mother had actually had known the abuse was going on really tossed my mind into a spiral from shock into deep depression. For many years I had known about some things that took place in my home but my mind never allowed me to view it as it really was. In fact, after growing up with the abuse it all but seemed normal to me so I never questioned it. Besides the one thing he told us that he would kill us if we ever told, and that it was okay because everybody did it. If that was the case, then I would not have been normal if I did not do it. For someone who was trying to fit in because of social problems caused by my abuse I felt this was the right thing to do. And social problems, I remember listening to a song "Bad Bad Leroy Brown" where he even had a razor in his shoe. I actually put a razor blade in my shoe when I went to school one day because I thought I would be cool or even yet, Bad. The only thing I ended up with was cuts all over the bottoms of my feet. This too would be the beginning of a long road for me as because of my withdrawal at school and at home I often looked for things that I could do to make myself accepted. This is also where the Stockholm syndrome fits into my life. Because I wanted to be accepted and it would be better to stay at my brothers side. This is the one area where I had my confusion on if I was abused or asked for it. I am learning now that I did not ask for it, that in fact he used me for his personal satisfaction is the real reason I suffered at his hands. Not only sexually but physically abused due to the beatings I received by him for refusal to allow him to do his things or just that he liked to beat on me to practice his Karate on me. And it was not a no touch, it was full contact. Mother would always say, one day I would grow up and take him down and he would never get in trouble. Just like she said to bite it off the next time I am forced to go down on his penis. Again he did not get into any trouble and thus it continued.
What really bothers me today is that my depression is not preceded by any thoughts of my past that I know of. I try and live in the present but the fears, shakes and feelings have a tendency to keep my mind not 100% in the present and I really do not know why. This is something that I need to work on and something I need to look deep within myself to see if I can find any clue as to why I act the way that I do. Well, that can be another topic because I have a feeling is has to do with my DID and if it does I need to learn how to control this somehow. Until next time......
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