So why is it so hard to deal with now?
I am 44 years old working and dealing with my past that goes back as far as 37 years ago. So why is it so hard to deal with it, hard to accept and worst off, live with it now? I have known all my life that there was something different about me, I knew there was abuse that had happened and until now it never bothered me. So why now, what makes today any different then yesterday? This is a question that has been asked of me and to be honest I have asked myself as well.
Remembering and feeling the past are actually two different things within the same mind. One is a memory that does not really stay in the front of your mind. It comes and goes as fast as remembering your childhood phone number when you see a set of numbers that are very close to what your number was. Feeling the past puts a whole new spin on viewing the past, remembering that past and reliving what you went through. We know that the mind creates a special place where these memories are stored, where alters live and have mingled with these memories for many years. It is not until the wall that divides the mind that we use today to think and remember the little things is broken down which allows the memories of the past and the alters that live behind this wall are now free to mingle with the mind we have today. It is then that we begin to remember more in detail of the abuse, the sights and sounds that went along with it. This is the moment that we begin to deal with and start to heal from our past.
What is true, is that memories start to flow once that wall is broken down. But what happens when behind that wall are so many hidden memories that the wall does not fall but rather crashes down like the floodgates opening allowing everything behind it to pour out and give the impression of reality. What happens to the good part of the mind when floods of memories, flashbacks, nightmares and fears spill out into the fresh mind that we use to think and remember the little things in life? What happens is a meltdown, a breakdown, a rush of emotions that are so confusing that even our own mind cannot decipher what is right from wrong, past from present, safe from harm or even adult from child. Another thing that happens is the Inner Child that lived behind the wall mingled in with all these memories comes out and is actually able to speak to us or to others. In some cases they are able to act out through our own external emotions or feelings that others are able to see. Any other person who is not aware that a person is living with Disassociation Disorder might look at it as someone who does not know when the right time to play around is or even yet will think that this person is immature.
When a person who has been abused starts out on a road to recovery from the past, that person learns to deal with new and old emotions that they have learned to bury away for years. However a person with Disassociation Disorder has a whole different path to walk. Even though the two paths are exactly the same because both paths will deal with the flashbacks, the depression, reliving the past all over again or dealing with the shame and blame that goes along with it. The person with DID has more then one personality and has to learn to walk the path together at the same time. Like myself, I have Keith who is 8, Robert who is 11 and myself who is 44 the views and feelings are very much different. Keith for example finds it very easy to cry and show emotion, Robert is angry and very bitter and I who cannot cry, is very confused, has many questions and plain does not fully understand. For us we need to all get on the same page, we need to be able to trust each other and walk this path as one and not as 3 personalities with different goals. Problem is, I have not yet fully embraced the fact that I am DID and have not yet learned to fully communicate with my alters. This is a hinder to my own recovery and slows the speed as I walk on my own path.
Once I am able to learn a little more about who I am and how these alters fit into my life and recovery is when I will fully be able to truly start to recover. I know it is going to be a long hard road and there are going to be bumps along the way and I am going to have to face these when they come but I cannot let them bring me down or regress from where I am up to this point. There are so many other things that come along with this healing process such as the depression, the weakness, the agoraphobia and remembering to take meds when they are due that really get in the way of everything I spoke about. But is with the understanding of family and friends who help you through these dark moments to make it through to another day.
When my wall came crushing down, the only way I could describe it was that I knew what I was going through and what was right from wrong, but my body felt and reacted a whole different way. It was as if I had no control over what I did, how I felt and what I was doing. This is true also about my blogging, I know what I say is true yet to put it all into motion is still a very hard thing to do. Until Next Time.....
Remembering and feeling the past are actually two different things within the same mind. One is a memory that does not really stay in the front of your mind. It comes and goes as fast as remembering your childhood phone number when you see a set of numbers that are very close to what your number was. Feeling the past puts a whole new spin on viewing the past, remembering that past and reliving what you went through. We know that the mind creates a special place where these memories are stored, where alters live and have mingled with these memories for many years. It is not until the wall that divides the mind that we use today to think and remember the little things is broken down which allows the memories of the past and the alters that live behind this wall are now free to mingle with the mind we have today. It is then that we begin to remember more in detail of the abuse, the sights and sounds that went along with it. This is the moment that we begin to deal with and start to heal from our past.
What is true, is that memories start to flow once that wall is broken down. But what happens when behind that wall are so many hidden memories that the wall does not fall but rather crashes down like the floodgates opening allowing everything behind it to pour out and give the impression of reality. What happens to the good part of the mind when floods of memories, flashbacks, nightmares and fears spill out into the fresh mind that we use to think and remember the little things in life? What happens is a meltdown, a breakdown, a rush of emotions that are so confusing that even our own mind cannot decipher what is right from wrong, past from present, safe from harm or even adult from child. Another thing that happens is the Inner Child that lived behind the wall mingled in with all these memories comes out and is actually able to speak to us or to others. In some cases they are able to act out through our own external emotions or feelings that others are able to see. Any other person who is not aware that a person is living with Disassociation Disorder might look at it as someone who does not know when the right time to play around is or even yet will think that this person is immature.
When a person who has been abused starts out on a road to recovery from the past, that person learns to deal with new and old emotions that they have learned to bury away for years. However a person with Disassociation Disorder has a whole different path to walk. Even though the two paths are exactly the same because both paths will deal with the flashbacks, the depression, reliving the past all over again or dealing with the shame and blame that goes along with it. The person with DID has more then one personality and has to learn to walk the path together at the same time. Like myself, I have Keith who is 8, Robert who is 11 and myself who is 44 the views and feelings are very much different. Keith for example finds it very easy to cry and show emotion, Robert is angry and very bitter and I who cannot cry, is very confused, has many questions and plain does not fully understand. For us we need to all get on the same page, we need to be able to trust each other and walk this path as one and not as 3 personalities with different goals. Problem is, I have not yet fully embraced the fact that I am DID and have not yet learned to fully communicate with my alters. This is a hinder to my own recovery and slows the speed as I walk on my own path.
Once I am able to learn a little more about who I am and how these alters fit into my life and recovery is when I will fully be able to truly start to recover. I know it is going to be a long hard road and there are going to be bumps along the way and I am going to have to face these when they come but I cannot let them bring me down or regress from where I am up to this point. There are so many other things that come along with this healing process such as the depression, the weakness, the agoraphobia and remembering to take meds when they are due that really get in the way of everything I spoke about. But is with the understanding of family and friends who help you through these dark moments to make it through to another day.
When my wall came crushing down, the only way I could describe it was that I knew what I was going through and what was right from wrong, but my body felt and reacted a whole different way. It was as if I had no control over what I did, how I felt and what I was doing. This is true also about my blogging, I know what I say is true yet to put it all into motion is still a very hard thing to do. Until Next Time.....
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