Road to Recovery: My own thoughts along my path.

       Today was a hard day to get through, it was a mixture of depression, mixed thoughts and a day of remembering. The depression is really deep tonight as I write this blog and I am honest I don't know where it is going to go, or if one of my alters will come out to add to the writing.        Today was the Oprah show where she had 200 men come and stand up to say they were Sexually Abused. Some of these very men I have talked to on a web page chat called Male Survivor. Sitting here watching the show play on and listened to what these men were talking about was pulling strings at the very pit of my soul. Most things said I could relate to, and their stories had me glued to the television while at the same time thinking about things that happened in my own life. The story where the guy told his mother and she brushed it off, and years they were still married. My sister and I went to our mother and were met with the very same...

       I am 44 years old working and dealing with my past that goes back as far as 37 years ago. So why is it so hard to deal with it, hard to accept and worst off, live with it now? I have known all my life that there was something different about me, I knew there was abuse that had happened and until now it never bothered me. So why now, what makes today any different then yesterday? This is a question that has been asked of me and to be honest I have asked myself as well.        Remembering and feeling the past are actually two different things within the same mind. One is a memory that does not really stay in the front of your mind. It comes and goes as fast as remembering your childhood phone number when you see a set of numbers that are very close to what your number was. Feeling the past puts a whole new spin on viewing the past, remembering that past and reliving what you went through. We know that...

       Say hello to my little friend, a phrase that was coined in a movie that has become very popular. So why do these six little words make me feel weird, different and somewhat scared? All my adult life I was told that I sometimes acted like a little kid, I must have an inner child that likes to take over my body and play games. I would laugh it off, sometimes even joking about it or even playing around a little more acting just as a child would. So what's the big deal right? Everyone has a little child inside of them when they want to get away from the stress and anxiety that go along with being an adult. That one moment where they can break free and just become someone they are not.        So why do I bring this up or even mention it? What is the big deal about a person who likes to joke or play around a little? The real reason I bring this up is there are a couple Little Friends that can be discussed, your inner ch...

My Immortal-Evanescence I'm so tired of being here Suppressed by all my childish fears And if you have to leave I wish that you would just leave 'Cause your presence still lingers here And it won't leave me alone These wounds won't seem to heal This pain is just too real There's just too much that time cannot erase When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears And I held your hand through all of these years But you still have All of me You used to captivate me By your resonating light Now I'm bound by the life you left behind Your face it haunts My once pleasant dreams Your voice it chased away All the sanity in me These wounds won't seem to heal This pain is just too real There's just too much that time cannot erase I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone But though you're still with me I've been alone all along             The wor...

Pat Benatar, Hell is for Children: They cry in the dark, so you can't see their tears They hide in the light, so you can't see their fears Forgive and forget, all the while Love and pain become one and the same, In the eyes of a wounded child Because Hell, Hell Is For Children And you know that their little lives can become such a mess Hell, Hell Is For Children And you shouldn't have to pay for your love with your bones and your flesh It's all so confusing, this brutal abusing They blacken your eyes, and then apologize Be daddy's good girl, and don't tell mommy a thing Be a good little boy, and you'll get a new toy Tell grandma you fell off the swing        And old song written in 1981, almost 30 years ago for an old problem that still happens today, behind closed doors and still kept a secret. A song whose very first two lines describe how a child deals with their abuse but it really goes one step further. If you read those tw...

     Be it Christmas, a Birthday or any other reason to receive a gift there is one thing my Children have always said, "Don't Trust the Box!” The reason they have come to learn this phrase is that my family reuses boxes from just about anything as long as the gift will fit. So if my youngest daughter receives a new coffee pot for Christmas it's one of those "Don't Trust the Box" moments. The real surprise comes when she opens it to find a doll inside the whole story changes. This phrase can be used in a lot of situations, and one of them is that of an abused person.        Someone who has been abused has learned to hide the visible signs and scars of the abuse as well as the emotional ones that run deep inside. They become masters of disguise and masters of illusions keeping their secret so well that not even the closest of person will have any clue that there is a secret being kept from them. The other part of this is those who are o...

       Today was a gloomy day outside, it was cloudy and raining which sometimes turned into sleet. I don't know if it was the weather outside or a continuation of the last several days. A couple days ago, I wrote about how deep the depression was and what it was doing to me, as a person. Today I could write the same story as if that day continued right into today as one continuous day.        I believe that the problems I suffer from are starting to take its toll on me and my mental status. The depression how it brings me way down, the memory problems forgetting things that happen as short as 2 minutes ago to happenings deep into my past, the alters who act out during the day or even have conversations with my wife to the shaking of my body. Today I was so drained of energy and yet I was shaking like one of those chattering teeth that used to flop around the table if you set it down.      ...

       OK, I am confused in fact I am really confused and I do mean REALLY confused. I feel like I am loosing my mind piece by piece but my wife says that my alters are really starting to come out more and more. Here is what is going on.        Several nights ago I had picked the kids up at school and bring them home, no problem. I was speaking to them and when I finished my sentence they all said "Yeah and what". I was very confused and had no idea what they were asking me. My daughter said "Dad, you said guess what and then just stopped". I looked her dead in the face and asked what she was talking about. I did not know that I had said something more past what my sentence was. The fact that they all asked means that I must have said it; I just did not remember it at all.        Last night while moving my utility trailer back towards the house with my ATV we were backing up the machine to the ...