Road to Recovery: My own thoughts along my path.

     I previously blogged about walls that someone who has been abused will build inside their mind to protect themselves from further abuse and to hind behind from the abuse they have endured. These walls can sometimes be so strong that even the closest of family members or loved ones have great difficulty even getting a chance to peek beyond them for a chance to understand or to strengthen the bond one currently has with a person who has been abused.      For someone who has built these walls, even for them they find it very hard to ever let someone in fully. Often friendships and relationships are gripped with mistrust, skepticism and fear which is well hidden from the one whom the person is attached to. Although these issues are not the intention, they are a natural protection that comes from these walls and serve as the main source of stability in ones mind and life. For a loved one who has to deal with someone who has these walls, str...

            Today is a mile stone in my daughter’s life and again my illness has me away from the event. Something she wanted me to be at for the longest time, take her to her driver’s license road test. Just like several major events in my children’s lives I am not able to attend to see how she will do and the reaction she will have when the instructor hands her the pass/fail slip. This time however I am in the hospital receiving ECT treatments, which today happened to be my sixth one.             I have yet to truly experience if I have started to feel less depressed or anxiety, but I have noticed that my tremors have increased a tad bit however I do not feel the need to hide in my room like when I am home and retreat to my bedroom. I do wonder what affect this has had on my DID or my Alters as I have not had any communication with any of them. I still sense the presence of K...

            I was abused! In order to start to heal I need to admit what happened in my past was real and was not my fault. I will heal from this! In order to heal I have to set a goal and remind myself daily that I am going to reach this goal. I will be there for you during my recovery! I need to promise, no I mean comfort you, wait I mean tell you… I am hurting so bad that it is so hard to be there for you when you need me. That sounds more like what needs to be said when the realization of Child Abuse comes out as if you were just hit a brick wall, during a foot race in the middle of the night, out in the country where there are no street lights. It never happens when your expecting it or ready for it to come out and the news hits you harder then learning a parent has passed away, at least you can understand why they passed away, but not that the inner child in you was killed and you forgot all about it when you realize that it n...

            I started this blog several weeks ago with the intention of keeping a daily account of my feelings, thoughts and how I am progressing in my healing. While I know it is normal to have flashbacks and all that, it seems that all I have been posting are things that I remember about my past. Yes, this does involve my past however I don’t write about what I do, how I spend my day as someone who has PTDS and DID. This I need to do more often, and if there is something that happens like a flashback not to focus so much on what the flashback was but to focus on what I can learn from it and use it to better understand who I am. What I need to do is to go ahead and tell what the flashback was about, how I stayed grounded, what I did to move on from that flashback and how I was able to keep my alters contained without them coming out but rather let them know that it is okay and that today is not yesterday. So here is going to be my ...

My Immortal-Evanescence I'm so tired of being here Suppressed by all my childish fears And if you have to leave I wish that you would just leave 'Cause your presence still lingers here And it won't leave me alone These wounds won't seem to heal This pain is just too real There's just too much that time cannot erase When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears And I held your hand through all of these years But you still have All of me You used to captivate me By your resonating light Now I'm bound by the life you left behind Your face it haunts My once pleasant dreams Your voice it chased away All the sanity in me These wounds won't seem to heal This pain is just too real There's just too much that time cannot erase I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone But though you're still with me I've been alone all along             The wor...

     Be it Christmas, a Birthday or any other reason to receive a gift there is one thing my Children have always said, "Don't Trust the Box!” The reason they have come to learn this phrase is that my family reuses boxes from just about anything as long as the gift will fit. So if my youngest daughter receives a new coffee pot for Christmas it's one of those "Don't Trust the Box" moments. The real surprise comes when she opens it to find a doll inside the whole story changes. This phrase can be used in a lot of situations, and one of them is that of an abused person.        Someone who has been abused has learned to hide the visible signs and scars of the abuse as well as the emotional ones that run deep inside. They become masters of disguise and masters of illusions keeping their secret so well that not even the closest of person will have any clue that there is a secret being kept from them. The other part of this is those who are o...

       What does one do when Family Members find the truth about the past and how do some handle the healing process that goes along with it? What happens when the person you love so much finds it difficult to deal with the setbacks, the flash backs and the memories.        This is the problem that I get faced with every once and a while. I have an aunt who tells me "You need to just forget about the past, move on and stop thinking about it", a wife who understands and is there to help but once and a while becomes overwhelmed over the problems that fight often occur or a sister who was also abused who tell you "No one is going to understand unless they have been abused, they will not have a clue why you do what you do or feel the way that you do.        Although I have been married for many years and before I was married I revealed what had happened, the mental breakdown seems to be bringing up...

All I have heard is someone stole my innocence, someone abused you, someone beat me, someone used me, someone took advantage of me, someone tortured me, someone treated me like hell. But the one thing that I have not heard is that someone has changed me. For the last several months I become something that I never was before. Something that I hear how I am no longer there, no longer the man I used to be, how my wife is getting tired of doing things alone and just how much she is alone in this house. I have heard from the kids how they think I am doing a lot of this to get attention, comments like at lease I am not afraid to go out, had the depression tossed into my face, had them all become so upset that they stop talking to me. They get upset with me because of the medication and how it makes me sleep. They tell me to go take my meds when I am feeling low, they tell me to go take my meds when I am hurting or upset. They tell me I take to many meds. I know that if I continued about how...

       Here is another journal page I wrote last month about a bad night I was having. I talk also how my family sometimes deals with me although I have their full support.        Tonight is now September 24 th and it is 12:33 in the morning. I am sitting up watching a DVD for no reason at all. I am not tired, then again I was up late and slept till 2 in the afternoon. What I am right now is paranoid, scared and in a panic attack that has been going on for the last several hours. I don’t know what is making me this way but I do have a feeling. My family is getting really sick and tired of me being this way. my wife tells me almost everyday how she can’t deal with me sleeping the day away and not having any time for her. I know that she is right; I know I am doing what I don’t want to be. Hell I am getting sick of how I am. I am sick and tired of my fears, my depression,   my sleeping all day long, sitting down...