Road to Recovery: My own thoughts along my path.

       What does one do when Family Members find the truth about the past and how do some handle the healing process that goes along with it? What happens when the person you love so much finds it difficult to deal with the setbacks, the flash backs and the memories.        This is the problem that I get faced with every once and a while. I have an aunt who tells me "You need to just forget about the past, move on and stop thinking about it", a wife who understands and is there to help but once and a while becomes overwhelmed over the problems that fight often occur or a sister who was also abused who tell you "No one is going to understand unless they have been abused, they will not have a clue why you do what you do or feel the way that you do.        Although I have been married for many years and before I was married I revealed what had happened, the mental breakdown seems to be bringing up...

       **NOTE** Since I write on my blog mostly around or after midnight this post is going to be referring to Wednesday October, 27th, 2010.        Yesterday was one of the most depressing days I have had since all this started back in February. It was for sure up in the top 10 of depressing days where I was so low I would have to look up if I wanted to look at an ant. Depression for me is the second most debilitating thing that I am going thru, it takes everything I have just to breathe and force myself to make it thru the day. These are days that I find I will end up fighting with my wife, not dealing with the children and staying in bed just about the whole day. It becomes a major struggle to bother to sit up to eat or get up to go to the bathroom. Believe me, this is one thing that I know a whole lot of people deal with and I am no different yet even knowing that on the outside, the inside still needs to understand this....

     This afternoon someone on the boards made an excellent comment as this is something I have been dealing with for a while now. I have had my counselor say that I am a survivor as did my Psychiatrist and I say I don't feel like one, and the truth is I don't. My abuse that I remember started back when I was 7 years old, but I have many questions about things that go back as far as age three. And with the physical and mental abuse lasting longer than the sexual I question if I am or not.        Now I know that I survived the abuse, and sometimes I really feel it was close. An example of this is back when Dad was stationed in Japan I came down with symptoms of my hair falling out, falling off chairs, falling from standing and unable to control my arms like holding a fork. I was told that I would go to the Japanese neighbor’s home and we would play match cars. Mama-sun would then give us cookies and milk and we would eat...

       Today I had a really bad day, and the problem is I don't even know why. I fell asleep last night about 2am and normally I will wake up around 11am. Today I could not wake up, I forced myself out of bed at 2pm almost a 12 hour sleep. I woke up feeling very depressed with the feeling that something had happened, maybe in my dream or a flashback that I was not aware of. The rest of the day I was depressed, unhappy and my mind just would not stop spinning around in circles. The nice thing is that I did not experience any flashbacks throughout the day, which is a good thing.        But I have a question for you, they placed me on a CPAP Machine to see if the lack of sleep was caused by the Apnea that I have or the Depression. To be honest, I have been wearing this machine for two weeks now and I have not noticed any change in my mind or body. I don't have anymore energy nor do I go the full day without feeling tired and wor...

All I have heard is someone stole my innocence, someone abused you, someone beat me, someone used me, someone took advantage of me, someone tortured me, someone treated me like hell. But the one thing that I have not heard is that someone has changed me. For the last several months I become something that I never was before. Something that I hear how I am no longer there, no longer the man I used to be, how my wife is getting tired of doing things alone and just how much she is alone in this house. I have heard from the kids how they think I am doing a lot of this to get attention, comments like at lease I am not afraid to go out, had the depression tossed into my face, had them all become so upset that they stop talking to me. They get upset with me because of the medication and how it makes me sleep. They tell me to go take my meds when I am feeling low, they tell me to go take my meds when I am hurting or upset. They tell me I take to many meds. I know that if I continued about how...

I borrowed these two sentences from a post on a board I am a member of: "Nothing seems real to me. I don’t really feel emotion at all. It’s like i am dead inside. When I look straight ahead, it’s like there is this wall blocking me from reality and trapping me inside my own head." "My perp may not have killed my body but he certainly murdered my soul."        OMG that sounded like I was posting those two comments. I have always wondered why I never really have no feelings, feelings that make up a person. I was a member of a Fire Department and to deal with loss of life, loss of property and loss of loved ones never bothered me and to be honest I had no opinion about. Even in my relationship with my wife, I knew I was very happy with her when we were dating but it was not until a moment that I would never see her again that a feeling hit me. I knew this was love and I reacted to this feeling and have been with her now over 20 years. If we did not make th...

       Here is another journal page I wrote last month about a bad night I was having. I talk also how my family sometimes deals with me although I have their full support.        Tonight is now September 24 th and it is 12:33 in the morning. I am sitting up watching a DVD for no reason at all. I am not tired, then again I was up late and slept till 2 in the afternoon. What I am right now is paranoid, scared and in a panic attack that has been going on for the last several hours. I don’t know what is making me this way but I do have a feeling. My family is getting really sick and tired of me being this way. my wife tells me almost everyday how she can’t deal with me sleeping the day away and not having any time for her. I know that she is right; I know I am doing what I don’t want to be. Hell I am getting sick of how I am. I am sick and tired of my fears, my depression,   my sleeping all day long, sitting down...

       I am sure that you are asking yourself what happened that I say I have to recover from all this abuse I speak of. Just what kind of abuse went on that after all this time my mind has gone thru a breakdown and I am on disability?        Well, as you might have read in my "Nite Writing" post it started what I can remember at the age of about 7 years old. My brother forced my sister and I to have intercourse one day, and then later told on us. My mother beat my sister and I for doing the act and then for lying to her because we denied the whole act because we did not know what sex was. From there it went on, growing from him just fondling me to having sex with the dog as he watched. Everything you could think of happened in between, and this lasted until I was 15 years old when he raped me and beat me really bad while making my sister watch. During most of these sessions he would bring other male friends into our hom...

Before I head off to bed, I wanted to share some writing I did after I watched a clip on Oprah after my sister called to tell me about it. It will really give you an idea of what this blog will be like. This was written on October 20th. Below is this note.             Tonight is Thursday October 20 th , 2010 and I sit here very depressed and feeling so very low. I cannot begin to tell in words how low I feel. I talked to my sister who also shares my abuse. She told me about an Oprah show that just made her cry; she said I needed to watch it. Well on the web there was no place to watch the whole show, only excerpts of the show. He talked about the worst beating that he took and it brought back memories of beatings that I took. I have no idea why I was beaten with the wooden spoon in VG. That’s where the spoon broke over my leg. I don’t even remember the whole beating, only the part where it broke. I mentioned to my sister abou...

       Tonight I decided to start a blog about my road to recovery from years of abuse. The posts here will be what it feels like to have been abused, accounts of flashbacks both mental and physical, what happened in my past, what caused me to become disabled and out of work since February 12th, 2010, what happens during my day here at home with my family, comments about how my family feels and how they react to different things that happen.        First off, my sexual abuse started when I was five years old when my older brother (Older by 4 years) forced my sister (Younger by 3 years) to engage in intercourse while he watched, and placed his hand down to make sure I had entered her. It continued until I was 15 years old when he severely beat me as he raped me anal with painful and strong force. I was also abused by two other adults, one a teacher and the other a youth minister. My brother abused me often both sexually a...