Road to Recovery: My own thoughts along my path.

    Today I had a meeting with a group of people of a department I am looking to work with. In this meeting we discussed a lot of issues and topics, one of which was my PTSD which raised a few questions which of course the first one was if I was in the Military or not. Of course within recent years due to the amount of wars we have taken part in, the country is becoming more aware of  the term and is becoming a more recognized mental illness in our community today.      What really surprised me, and almost angered me, is the lack of real knowledge of just what PTSD is and how it can and does effect a person. There almost was a sense of fear in the conversation as if they needed to walk on egg shells. Now this was not a job interview so it was not like anything was off key however questions were asked and it was really evident that the questions asked and the manor they were asked in really showed just how uneducated they were, almost to the poin...

    My previous blog post talked a lot about what has happened to me over the course of the last two years. Obviously there was a ton of details and specific actions in the blog that was left out only because the post could have almost turned into a small book had I truly started from the beginning and wrote about events until that blog was posted.      But what that post does bring to the forefront is what every person who suffers from any type of mental or physical abuse trauma and that is the fear of being abused again. While the actual event of the trauma weighs heavy on the mind and soul of a person, the fears of reoccurring abuse is what brings on the stress associated with that specific trauma. It's within this stress that the body reacts and takes on a defensive in different forms which could include phobias, terrors in dreams, panic attacks and many other reactions that effect everyday normal living. It is dealing with these that one su...

            When I was abused, it was not abuse but rather something that I asked for. When I was abused, it was not abuse because I always made myself available. When I was abused, it was not abuse because I never told so I must have liked it. When I was abused, it was not abuse because they loved me and when someone loves you the things they do can’t be bad it has to be good. When I was abused, a lot of the thoughts I had were just that and for that reason for years I felt dirty, ashamed and worst of all I felt I was to blame. I lived this way for many years, never telling anyone about my abuse, hiding it from the world because I did not want to be labeled something I was not and besides, my abuse was written across my forehead for others who wanted to abuse me. I was put on this earth to serve, to keep quiet, keep secrets and was never to go outside the family ring or else.          ...

            I was abused! In order to start to heal I need to admit what happened in my past was real and was not my fault. I will heal from this! In order to heal I have to set a goal and remind myself daily that I am going to reach this goal. I will be there for you during my recovery! I need to promise, no I mean comfort you, wait I mean tell you… I am hurting so bad that it is so hard to be there for you when you need me. That sounds more like what needs to be said when the realization of Child Abuse comes out as if you were just hit a brick wall, during a foot race in the middle of the night, out in the country where there are no street lights. It never happens when your expecting it or ready for it to come out and the news hits you harder then learning a parent has passed away, at least you can understand why they passed away, but not that the inner child in you was killed and you forgot all about it when you realize that it n...

            Tonight was depressing the same, yet I wondered if my life had any meaning because I felt as if I was falling over the edge. I have been depressed before but nothing like this, not where I questioned if my life had any meaning or not. I just sat there thinking of all that I have and I tried to come out of it because it scared me to even feel this way.             I have a feeling it came from a comment my daughter had said, see we were joking around in a van full of girls and her boyfriend she said she realized that there were two guys in the van. I looked up and said, one boy and one man to which she replied that the last she knew my mind was stuck at age twelve. I knew she was joking and did not mean what she said but I felt it inside and my heart started to sink, my mind started drifting into other comments my family has said and I just went down hill just as fas...

            This coming June will mark twenty one years since I got married and thirty four years since we have met in an old fishing camp on the shores of Oneida lake. She was eleven years old and I was thirteen at the time but when your camping friends are easily made, and they always come and go unless they return the next year and you get to meet again. Our friendship started out as a telephone relationship until she was about sixteen years old when we were both able to spend the night at each others home, go camping or meet up to do things.             For someone who has been sexually abused for just about their entire life, the acts and the situations almost become normal and this is one reason that the question comes about as to if I asked for it or not. My wife and I at that age had already been talking about things that happened during my life as she was starting to s...

            Triggers are something that can bring out memories of the past in any person. If you’re a person who has lived a good life without to many problems or trauma, looking at a rose can take you back to a place where you and maybe your grandmother used to plant roses in the garden. The smell of pine needles can take you back camping just as the smell of your neighbor using his fireplace and the smell of the smoke. If you are someone who suffers from PTSD even the littlest thing can trigger a flash back. I was walking to my car and saw a man walking; he had a limp and sort of bounced as he walked. The very first thought that came to mind was that of my father who used to walk the same way, which lead me into thinking about my family and then my brother popped into the picture and it was going downhill very fast. I needed to grab my keys and looking at different things to keep me grounded in the present. A quick look, a quick t...

            Welcome to back to my blog, where it is the second day that I am going to start writing about how my day is, how my PTSD and DID effect me in my daily life. Although this started back in February 2010 and I do feel I have come somewhat a good distance I realized that I need to change the way I have been viewing my life let alone living it. If I continue to go down the road I have been on, it will take a lot longer to reach my recovery which is something I really want to strive for.             Today was a good day with little flashbacks, some that were good and a couple that were just bad, not horrific. The one good memory I had came to me while I was watching television with my three year old son, which I must say kids programming is not like it used to be. In this particular cartoon they were playing with a bean bag toss trying to get the little bag through a hole...

Post-trau-mat-ic / {pohst-truh-mat-ik, -traw-, -trau-} -Adjective: Occurring after physical or psychological trauma Stress {stres} -Noun: Physical, mental or emotional strain or tension            Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a type of anxiety disorder that's triggered by a traumatic event. You can develop post-traumatic stress disorder when you experience or witness an event that causes intense fear, helplessness or horror. Many people who are involved in traumatic events have a brief period of difficulty adjusting and coping. But with time and healthy coping methods, such traumatic reactions usually get better. In some cases, though, the symptoms can get worse or last for months or even years. Sometimes they may completely disrupt your life. In these cases, you may have post-traumatic stress disorder. Getting treatment as soon as possible after post-traumatic stress disorder symptoms develop may prevent PTSD from becom...