Stuck in a Mental Whirlpool.

      Living with several mental problems makes life so hard to the point that confusion, forgetfulness, constant fears and thoughts that run so fast it's sometimes hard to slow down just to hear what you are thinking. This is what is going on with me, living in a whirlpool everything I just mentioned and tossing in trying to live day to day. So why am I letting this continue instead of seeking treatment? Good question.

     Now I am not bashing any organization but I live in New York. Now I have been disabled for over a year and a half and because of this I was put on medicaid. To my surprise there are no long term treatment centers in New York state. There are only acute centers and believe me I have called every center or hospital I could find on Yahoo. I found several top rated centers all across the country, even the one I was in last year called Sheppard Pratt. The kicker is New York Medicaid will only pay for services instate only. They will not cover any type of treatment out of state. My Doctor has put in a request to medicaid for permission but after one week there still is no answer.

     Now with help from family I have been able to stay somewhat grounded, but in no way is it two feet on the ground. I find myself regressing in how I have come thus far, I am planning to go to a local hospital. I do not want to die, this is very much heavy in my head, no way, no how. BUT I have been doubling some of my meds, sometimes taking three days worth which helps me just sleep it away. Now this has been only happening for a week but it should not be happenings at all. Last night I took my normal meds and plan to do so tonight because for some reason I feel the need to sleep. I don't know it is my paranoia, one of my alters or just I'm in such a panic I fear I wont be able to sleep. Fact of the matter there has been an increase of nightmares and flashbacks since my friend listened to a recording of a counseling session.

     Now the main reason I have not gone into a hospital is here it is pretty much eat, take meds and go to sleep. Their main focus are people who are suicidal or suffering from major depression, I may be really depressed but I feel they really can't do anything for me. So needless to say I am so stuck in the pickle jar that I don't know how far off I am until I can get into a center. Yet my second fear, how long can I stay grounded with a stable mind. Because everyday I feel like I am loosing myself every little bit at a time. So if I don't hear back I will check in and see if maybe it's a problem with meds or me.. We shall see, I Pray.

DID also stands for Broken Hearts and Broken Dreams

     I have to admit that being diagnosed with DID, or Dissociative Identity Disorder, things tend to make a whole lot of sense now and yet I am still very upset and even depressed about them. I am still learning more about alters and just how they play a roll in my life and those who have posted their own experiences online for others to comment on. One message board I was reading tonight a woman was asking for help because one of her alters craves sexual pleasures and she has strayed away from her husband many times because of this. They are finding it very hard emotionally to work things out over this even though both are aware of her DID diagnosis. I was surprised how many people commented saying the same situation has happened to them.

     What surprises me even more is the fact that I have an alter that is the same way and in fact hates my wife. Just within the last several months after moving out and letting my alters run wild my one alter took to one female friend of mine and we had an affair. I don't remember anything from it, how it started, how it progressed, who made the first mood or anything. This created a very bad situation for me because I feel I did nothing wrong even though I did do something wrong. One of the biggest problems I have and depresses me the deepest is that when my wife and I argue she always addresses me and YOU. You did this, you did that or you betrayed us. I automatically going into a defencive mode because I did not do this, and yet in some way I did do this because my alters are a part of me. But how does one control alters and stop them from doing as they please or stop them from the damage they create of broken hearts and broken dreams?

     What scares me is that this alter is the strongest and often comes out, almost controlling my feelings every time I turn around or a conversation about the affair comes up. Just like the woman on the board she is ashamed, feels violated, is embarrassed especially since this is not the first time I can relate this to the very same alter. I always felt that there was a connection to my past on the sexual part of my life for example I thought I did not have a choice to say no however I had to say yes or become beaten in someway. But looking into my past and looking at this alter I realize he has been with me a very long time and he is in fact the one who cannot say no, which makes me wonder if I even make the first move because of some inside feeling that needs to be satisfied, and then feel like running all over again.

     Not saying no and wanting to run again, sounds like when I was younger living with my perpetrator. It was better to make myself available to him so he did not beat me and then I could go run and hide in my own bedroom or sometimes the bathroom as that provided the best protection for me.So why is it I have a problem saying no? Because my alter feels a need  to be satisfied. It really started on the internet and has moved onto real woman, some who even are aware of my illness. I do I stop this? Break away from the feelings this alter has, cant ruin my marriage over this or any other action of an alter.

     I have to agree with many people of this board and say that DID is very hard to live with. It's very hard to take punishment when you don't know or remember. It becomes very frustraited when an alter comes forward and things start to happen. Till the next post......

The past controls the present, leaves future uncertain.

     Many historians will tell you in order to see into the future you need only look into the past, the past always repeats itself. Fact of the matter is the past not only can tell you the future but is so powerful that it can actually control the present. Many survivors will tell you that the past has played such a major roll in their lives, the way they live in the present has either been dictated by their past or plays out daily in almost everything they do.

     This is something that has bothered me for many years, why today when I am faced with a situation my mind will resort to my past and the decision I make will be made based on past events, not information from today? Like a cornered dog will use his instinct to protect himself and fight to break free from harm, my reaction is to let harm happen afraid that it will hurt me more if I do not give in. For many years I have placed myself into these situations, almost seeking them out as if I don't I may end up in harms way. I know that as a child, I would almost make my self present to my abuser in some sort of mental way thinking that as long as I was there what could happen I had some control over. Although I did not want anything to happen, I was safer because I was out of more severe harms way thus giving me more control, or what seemed to be control in what was going on. Today I find myself doing the same exact thing feeling even more vulnerable and yet not stepping away or even putting a stop to it. And although many deep secrets still remain and are slowly coming forward reminding me more about my past. Things that I may not have a clear vision of what took place but will leave myself questioning why I have the vision in my mind if nothing happened.

     I have been told that when someone acts just like my mother did growing up they can pretty much control me just as she did. This includes decision making, actions that in the one part of my mind I KNOW it is wrong yet I will continue on or allow it to happen without any thought of what could happen after the fact. I realized tonight that this may very much be true. I know I have told my wife about this at one time, but in typing this some very vivid flashbacks appeared in my mind. I am trying to sort them out and if the sights that I saw were correct, which I strongly feel they are correct this may just explain somehow someone can walk into my life and I pretty much hand my self over to them.

     One thing that really makes this harder is bring in DID to the picture with alters who are suppose to be the ones who lived thru this. How something can happen and I have no memory of it what so ever, how ever with the pictures I have in my head it makes me wonder if it is protection that I am doing when I do this. And what makes the problems even worse is trying to talk to someone who does not fully understand and they tell you it does not matter what frame of mind your in the end result is because of me. While the statement is true, my alters are very much me at different ages or stages of my life, The fact of the matter is it was me and I need to face up to the fact it was me. Right now I am going to have to close this post tonight because my mind is starting to race and I need to try and work on staying grounded, because the mind is it total over load and I am not sure what I am going to type may make any sense to anyone.

The First day, peeking outside the comfort zone.

     Today I made a decision that I am going to leave my nest, my dark apartment and begin to reach out to friend and family on a new road. I spoke to a friend who sufferers from most of the same ailments that I do and found there are some new groups in the area, peer groups that she has been looking for someone to go with and see what they are all about. She had emailed me about one particular one in the city that is really new and sound very promising. I am thinking that I might consider it as long as she goes with me. My biggest problem is still Agoraphobia and Social Anxiety which really hinders going out to places. I know in my heart that one way to help in healing is by joining a group of fellow survivors were we can learn from each other and help walk the road alone.

     I also contacted my family about integrating myself back into their lives. Running away from them I understand, in some cases, is a reaction of people who suffer with PTSD. I remember speaking to one survivor about how they ran away, got their own place and it took six years to finally realize that running was a reaction, a self coping mechanism that while it seems to take you to a safe place because you are alone and can really think clearly, it actually is and should be considered self harm. When I left I thought I was doing the right thing, taking the burden away from my family, I had a place I could sleep with no sounds, I could sleep as long as I wished and was not bound to doing things that would involve leaving the apartment. What really was happening was that I was giving my mind the ability to roam free, unquestioned by those who loved me, I was avoiding situations rather then facing them no matter how hard it was for me but most of all I was letting my fears and paranoia fester and breed into something that was so overwhelming it almost devoured my life. As I said before I moved in with a wonderful view of the little hills and trees, green grass birds and butterflies to a place with dark blankets, towels and sheets over the windows. I moved in on May 1, 2011 and as you can see by today's date it did not take long for this to happen. I realized I needed to do something.

     I must say today was a bit hard for me to be around my wife and kids, every other moment I was trying to find an excuse to leave and go back to the apartment and sleep. However every time the urge came I kept telling myself that it will be okay. Okay, just what did that mean? I was already showing signs of shaking, paranoia, questionable thoughts and little fears begun running around my mind as if to find one that fit the situation so I could have an excuse to run. I was fighting a battle inside that had to be fought and I had to win and stay in control. Thoughts of my past were being triggered by little things and comments but I needed to focus and stay grounded the best I could, for as long as I could. Once it became to over bearing I did leave, not run, but leave back to the solitude of the apartment for a little nap before returning and dealing with it. The fact I left for a little while to rest my mind and compose myself made it that much easier to continue on with my day.

       So in closing tonight I would have to say the first step in leaving the nest of comfort, is to take a little step but still stay within reach so when things become to overwhelmed you can go back for a refresh yet promising yourself that you will make the effort to give it the second chance. It is not a bad thing to say I  need a little break or rest, it will not be the first time and I doubt it will be the last. I just realized that when I speak of the nest I am talking about your comfort zone. An imaginary circle with live within to maintain our daily lives. A circle where if it comes in contact with another circle the shape changes from the impact and our sense of security is broken or lost. In healing I need to let this circle grow a little each day, not to fast but at a speed that I am comfortable with. Once I am comfortable I may reach out to a friend and invite them to share in my circle, still very guarded but no longer alone. Over time the circle becomes a little bigger and we may add new friends who share somethings in common, or just someone who cares enough to be there. So like the nest is round just like our comfort zone it is okay to look around and see just who is with you, waking the same road with all the same goals or someone who is there to help you when you fall. Either way that first baby step I talked about is just that, taking a look at your comfort zone and see what you can do to give it a little more room.

It has been to long.

     It has been a long time since I logged into my blog and posted something. From what it looks like it has been almost six months, and it is something that I should not have given up or stopped doing. Many things have happened, there have been some major changes and basically my life has gone to hell so to speak.

     Since my last post, I have really strayed off the path of healing and taken a turn of self anger and almost refusal to want to heal. Frustration from the time it is taking to heal really effected my life in so many ways that the last six months could become a whole different blog within it's self with it's own topic. Last night I hit rock bottom that lasted thru my sleep on into the morning. I was filled with so much rage and anger, I was very much in denial about my problem, I blamed my medications for everything that has been going on, I canceled all my future appointments and wanted to just give up on everything. I believe now that the reason I have ended up almost back to the beginning of my recovery is that I began to feel self pity, looking for answers in wrong places, blaming everyone else for what I was going thru and I was doing. I myself lost control of my alters and one which is the strongest took over most of my life and I let it run ramped. I was not acting with good judgment, with others in mind and it was as if I had regressed back to a period where my abuse was taking place. Once I reached this period all my defence, my walls, my running and my fears came back almost twice fold.

     Back in March I got angry with my family, the stress of being a husband and father took over and I could no longer deal with it. I was so confused, not knowing who I really was or where I was really going. Being around my children seemed to trigger panic, my decisions were made in haste and with very poor judgement. Because I had been on disability for over a year my company let me go and I lost my counselor for a month, I was not listening to family or friends, I did not care what was going on outside my own mind. I left my family and moved into an apartment with a friend then eventually into my own. I stopped my ECT treatments, would skip meds at some hours and even some days. Panic set in almost as a daily thing, to the point all my windows are covered so no one sees in and I don't see out. Suicidal Ideation plays over and over in my mind nightly wanting to just break these chains that I am bound by. I am lucky because I do not want to die and thus I fight with it and I win. Panic attacks seem to come and go, with no cause or triggers that I am aware of, I get fits of anger and rage, I am always running away from things and no loner facing them like I was starting to. My Facebook page became videos and comments of depression, anger and mood swings often swinging from one side to the other faster then one could flip a switch. My focus became more on treating what was happening now rather then looking at the root of the problem. Sometimes I would read about PTSD, DID and Major Depression and look for symptoms in myself almost as if to want to make the problem worse then it was or is. It is very hard to look into the mirror and see someone who looks the same as I did 2, 3 or even 5 years ago and try to understand that I am disabled  because of my mental state which is something you just can't see or show people. My memory has been so shattered that I sometimes cannot remember what I did 10 minutes ago let alone yesterday. I am not sure if it is a combination of ECT or meds that have driven me to the memory thing but it has become very hard to deal with.

     Last month I purchased a digital recorder and started taking it to my counseling sessions. After a couple days I would listen to some and be in total shock at the things I was hearing, as if to say "That's ME?". I really started to not care about anything or anyone for that matter. But last night made me realize that I am again at rock bottom, I have regressed almost in mental age and the walls I have put up are almost taller then the ones I had before all this hit. This morning, still feeling the way I did I decided to stop my meds, canceled all my appointments and now realize that I am really in need of help. I need to stop in my tracks and ask those who are around me to help me and get involved more in getting the help then sitting here hoping it will just all go away because I can tell you now, it will not go away. Sunday is a planned day but on Monday I am going to make my appointments again, tomorrow I am going back on my meds and I am going to make the calls I need to make to get me back on track. I don't know what or how I am going to do it, or just how long it is going to take but it is something that I need to rethink and put into motion. I need to start putting myself first and not last, walk with people who love me and not run away. It is not going to be easy, in fact I think it is going to be one of the most difficult things yet I have done but it needs to be done or I will be done.

    I am back to blogging, I am going to do this daily no matter what has happened or has crossed my path. I need to do this to self heal and also, maybe help someone realize they are not alone in their own journey. My only problem, is making that 1st step but I need to make it. Baby steps at a time, but I am going to do it and I am going to find a way to survive.  :)

Three videos added to fit the mood.

            The following videos that were added tonight are videos that reflect my true feelings tonight. For all of us who have been abused it is true that someone ran away with our innocence, that there is a room full of broken halos. Every time we sit and either by choice or not, begin to reflect on our past it is true that they seem so much closer then they really are and this is one thing that is so hard to get over. And no matter what your belief is, if you have faith God will carry you through the pain of life and will lead the people to you who will help you on your journey. IF, only you believe…..

Videos by Richard Blake/Wash Away Those Years

Meat Loaf Objects In The Rear View Mirror May Appear Closer Than They Are

Big & Rich Holy Water with Lyrics

ECT and Memory

Yes, it has been almost a month since I have posted into my blog. It's not that I have not had enough to say but rather it has not been easy to get out into words. It has been a little over a month since my sixteen day hospital stay and I have lost count on how many ECT's I have had. I was at three a week, then down to two a week and now I am at once a week for what they call maintenance.

I still cannot tell you what effect these treatments have had on me as of yet, and I am not sure what path I am truly walking down with these. What I do know is that my short term memory has been severally affected by them. I forget conversations, things I have talked about, things I have done and often even names and dates of things. It really is frustrating to go thru this because I know I am having problems bringing things to the front of my mind and no matter how much or how hard I think about it, I just cannot do it. It almost causes a headache trying to think as hard as I do because I know I know the answer, I just can't say it. I am no longer afraid of this procedure like I was in the beginning, just as I am no longer afraid to be put out. They have all come to know me by name at the hospital, just as I am getting to know them very well. They know just what works and what does not work, for example to ambulate me they find it better to use a nasal tube for breathing. It's just that the next time I go I will have to let them know I have a nasal bleed for hours after because I think they used a different size this time and boy could I tell.

Depression, how has that been affected now that I have been on ECT for so long? I must say that my depression has not been as deep for so many days straight as before, however I did have a night where I did bottom out. Just as tonight my mood is somewhat somber, one night last week I was skimming the bottom of the barrel. It did not matter if I was alive or not, it did not matter if I was awake or not, as far as I was concerned life did not matter and I did not care if I was going along on the ride or not. And the one thing I did find out is that my moods are still in somewhat control by my alters. I don't find it as easy to recognize who is present as I used to however they are present just the same and just as strong. I still find myself acting and reacting like a child as I did before ECT started, and still in some of the same situations. Every once and a while I find myself looking back beyond the abuse and wishing things were different just as I always do and did.

Yesterday a dear friend’s mother past away and it took me back to when my mother passed. I sat thinking about how my mourning was over shadowed by things my mother had done just prior and what she had left behind. Basically everything was a confirmation on how I thought she felt, and just how much it was going to extend past the grave into my life. Even today as I try not to think about it, I can’t help but reflect on where I stand in the world today where my family is concerned. It still hurts to think about the pain I felt growing up and then becoming the black sheep. It hurts to have everything happen the way it did in her passing and even now to look back and realize it was never me. I can’t help but sometimes feel now the pain, even though it has been years, I have talked about it, I have written about it and even cried over it. I often wonder if I will ever get over it or learn to deal with it. I almost feel as if I am going backwards in my healing at times because the thoughts and feelings come out so strong again. Like I said, just last week it hit me again so hard that I was to the point where I did not care. And to be in a position where bringing it up makes me feel even worse because people do not understand how it can be coming up again with the same feelings as before. How many times does one have to talk about the past before it becomes just that, the past without any feelings attached to it? I sure cannot wait till this happens because I am getting sick of the depressing moods again over and over again.

Well, I am going to cut this post short. I know I need to start writing again and putting things out just as I had been doing. Doing this blog was helping in my progress and it was a way to vent my feelings without holding them in just as I have been doing over the last several weeks. I will be back and I will continue to write, so until next time….