DID also stands for Broken Hearts and Broken Dreams

      What surprises me even more is the fact that I have an alter that is the same way and in fact hates my wife. Just within the last several months after moving out and letting my alters run wild my one alter took to one female friend of mine and we had an affair. I don't remember anything from it, how it started, how it progressed, who made the first mood or anything. This created a very bad situation for me because I feel I did nothing wrong even though I did do something wrong. One of the biggest problems I have and depresses me the deepest is that when my wife and I argue she always addresses me and YOU. You did this, you did that or you betrayed us. I automatically going into a defencive mode because I did not do this, and yet in some way I did do this because my alters are a part of me. But how does one control alters and stop them from doing as they please or stop them from the damage they create of broken hearts and broken dreams?

     What scares me is that this alter is the strongest and often comes out, almost controlling my feelings every time I turn around or a conversation about the affair comes up. Just like the woman on the board she is ashamed, feels violated, is embarrassed especially since this is not the first time I can relate this to the very same alter. I always felt that there was a connection to my past on the sexual part of my life for example I thought I did not have a choice to say no however I had to say yes or become beaten in someway. But looking into my past and looking at this alter I realize he has been with me a very long time and he is in fact the one who cannot say no, which makes me wonder if I even make the first move because of some inside feeling that needs to be satisfied, and then feel like running all over again.

     Not saying no and wanting to run again, sounds like when I was younger living with my perpetrator. It was better to make myself available to him so he did not beat me and then I could go run and hide in my own bedroom or sometimes the bathroom as that provided the best protection for me.So why is it I have a problem saying no? Because my alter feels a need  to be satisfied. It really started on the internet and has moved onto real woman, some who even are aware of my illness. I do I stop this? Break away from the feelings this alter has, cant ruin my marriage over this or any other action of an alter.

     I have to agree with many people of this board and say that DID is very hard to live with. It's very hard to take punishment when you don't know or remember. It becomes very frustraited when an alter comes forward and things start to happen. Till the next post......

Comments

Prozacblogger said…
that's heavy stuff. I never really thought I had DID, neither am I diagnosed with it, but I do recognize what you're saying.

I used to have moments that I blacked out. When I woke up I was usually on top of someone, beating him up. I have also caught myself spying on a woman once. I was completely unaware of what was happening and I ran away quickly.

These moments are messed up. They stopped about a year ago, when things started to clear up in my head. I started to be honest with my wife about the things I did and she worked with me on how to fix it.

Maybe you should do that too? Figure out what your alter needs to be satisfied in and express those needs yourself. Try to merge your alter with YOU.

If your alter has some sexual needs, figure out specifically what this alter is looking for in these other women and explain it to your wife. Maybe she can behave as such and you'll alter will die.

Hope it helps.

Sincerely,

- Prozacblogger

PS: I have send you an e-mail. Wondering if you'd like to add my blog to your blogroll. Name: Journal of a Male Childhood Abuse Survivor, link: http://prozacblogger.com.
July 24, 2011 at 3:19 AM
Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

You can't turn back the hands of time.

"Sometimes. hits me in the morning, hits me at night  That I cannot turn back the years  So I look out my window, turn off my light  But I cannot turn back the years"   Phil Collins     Everyone wishes they can turn back the hands of time on some event in their lives, this is especially true for those who suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Where a certain event or series of events in that persons life has caused so much trauma that it literally changes their lives forever.     For me, I live this dream on a daily basis as I cannot escape the effects that these events has had on me ever since I was a child. Turning back the clock would only be a dream come true, however which point to turn it to I could not even begin to figure out. My memories go so far back that they become distorted to the point of confusion putting events into a single timeline. What I thought may have happened at five years old, may have actually happened at eight years
Read more

Gave my mind a rest and got creative.

       Tonight I was feeling all but depressed again, I don't know why again but it was just another down day. As I sat here looking at all the Tweets on Twitter I realized I was not really thinking, I was just reading along. I don't follow to many people and not to many follow me just yet so I flipped over to Facebook to play a few games to keep my mind moving. I find when I am depressed I don't think a whole lot and I only want to lay down and just sleep. I really don't care if I eat or not, I just don't want to move.        So, instead of just blogging about how I felt which I could very well have done I decided to get a little creative and make a power point presentation. My mind was running in such overdrive that I could not keep my thoughts onto one topic. A first for me since I started my blog yet not the first time since February 12th. When I was last in the hospital for 3 weeks, they had crafts 3 times a week and I remembered how I felt when I did those. T
Read more

No, it's not just a myth anymore.

     In most all my blogs I have written I start to write about something and then take it into an educational kind of post, giving stats, studies and basically information about the topic I am writing about. Just like my last post, I started with how I was depressed and led into how depression works. Just like I am some type of professional on the subject when in fact everything is my own thoughts on things I have read put into my own words from memory. No, I do not just read on a subject and type about it, I just open the subject and let my mind work from there.      Tonight I just need to type my thoughts and feelings down on paper, or in blog form, to kind of get things off my head. I guess that is what I intended this blog to be about, the path I was taking to recover from my illness and put in out there for others to read to help them know they are not alone. But looking back, most posts are more informational then anything else. There really is not a lot of pages where it disc
Read more