Road to Recovery: My own thoughts along my path.

Yes, it has been almost a month since I have posted into my blog. It's not that I have not had enough to say but rather it has not been easy to get out into words. It has been a little over a month since my sixteen day hospital stay and I have lost count on how many ECT's I have had. I was at three a week, then down to two a week and now I am at once a week for what they call maintenance. I still cannot tell you what effect these treatments have had on me as of yet, and I am not sure what path I am truly walking down with these. What I do know is that my short term memory has been severally affected by them. I forget conversations, things I have talked about, things I have done and often even names and dates of things. It really is frustrating to go thru this because I know I am having problems bringing things to the front of my mind and no matter how much or how hard I think about it, I just cannot do it. It almost causes a headache trying to think as hard as I do because I k...

            Nothing puts a damper in something then finding out that someone you know has been touched by the same abuser as you. While growing up, there were several of his fiends involved it becomes pure shock to find out children left in the care of my Mother were abused as well. It becomes a realization that in fact no one was safe and as long as it met his personal needs, there was no regards for anyone’s feelings or what it would do to their futures.             Last night I spoke to a very close friend, although we don’t keep in contact faithfully, the relationship has always been like a younger brother to me and when ever we run into each other it’s as if we never loose contact. We became friends on the social network, Facebook and he happened to be on the chat so we started talking. With everything I have been through over the last ten months, I could not help but to a...

            When I was abused, it was not abuse but rather something that I asked for. When I was abused, it was not abuse because I always made myself available. When I was abused, it was not abuse because I never told so I must have liked it. When I was abused, it was not abuse because they loved me and when someone loves you the things they do can’t be bad it has to be good. When I was abused, a lot of the thoughts I had were just that and for that reason for years I felt dirty, ashamed and worst of all I felt I was to blame. I lived this way for many years, never telling anyone about my abuse, hiding it from the world because I did not want to be labeled something I was not and besides, my abuse was written across my forehead for others who wanted to abuse me. I was put on this earth to serve, to keep quiet, keep secrets and was never to go outside the family ring or else.          ...

            First off, I would like to acknowledge the webpage Malesurvivor.org for helping me through the issue of the Social Worker and my hospital stay the past couple of weeks. The support from members helped me realize that it was only one person’s view that does not know the whole story and really had no basis to even make such a comment. Also, based on HIPPA laws no one is really going to have access to these records and the fact that my Sister was aware and even voiced her dissatisfaction only confirmed in my mind that she was way off base and I am starting to realize that it shows some people still need to be educated on Child Sexual Abuse, especially when it involves family members.             While reading some of the responses on the page in reference to my problem I came across one members blog who wrote about the view of some people and their comments “Boys will ...

            This is actually my second post today and this is something that is really bothering me and I can’t stop thinking about it to the point it woke me up from a nap and I am having shakes and tremors out of what feels like fear. I am referring to the note that the Nurse placed in my intake notes of my medical records stating that I Raped my Sister while my Father watched which is far from truth. I can’t stop thinking about what the Social Worker told me when she asked if my sister was willing. When I said “no” she told me then it was called rape.             From what she is telling me is that I raped my sister yet I notice that my sister did not rape me, even though I was not willing either. Rolling in my mind is what I was thinking as this act was going on, fear that just like the dogs we raised, we would get stuck. If I was so afraid then why would I force my sister ...

            It’s just after dinner and I decided to bring my computer out and check out my own Facebook to see what’s going on out in the real world. I have been pretty quiet most of the day and basically sleeping all day. Dealing with the confusion has drained me and just brought in more depression. What I can’t believe is the lack of compassion or understanding from the staff on this floor. The floor I am on is the Psychiatric floor of the local hospital. I turned on my computer and went to look at the Facebook that is linked to this blog and a nurse decided to look over my shoulder.             The one nurse that did ask about the title of the last blog post and what happened. She tried to brush it off and told me that she looked and saw nothing about what was written. I tried to explain to her I met with my social worker who showed it to me during our meeting. One of the nu...

 For more than 100 years Haut de la Garenne  had been a center of child abuse Child Abuse is a disease that is running ramped across the United States about as fast as Head Lice and is kept just as quiet. School officials are now trained to look for signs of abuse on a child just like a school nurse is trained to look for Head Lice in children attending school. If a child is found to have Head Lice a notice is sent home to notify parents, however parents don’t discuss this with friends and family because of the myth that Head Lice is considered to be a sign of being dirty. Abuse is the same now, as the news reports almost on a daily or weekly of someone who has been caught and arrested. Letters are sent home every time a sex offender moves into any school district informing parents (At least here in NY) a general location where this person is living.         This is a good practice and it shows just how many pedophiles are out there but i...

            Who stacked the deck of cards against me, that’s what I want to know. I follow a site on Twitter and tonight they posted three tweets in a row, most sexual abusers are someone in the family or someone the child knows, not the proverbial stranger with a lollipop, child abuse is far more likely to occur in the child's home than in a day care center and drug and alcohol abuse in the family makes child abuse about twice as likely. If this is all true which we all know they are then I was born with the wrong hand in the game of life.             Most children know their abusers, how very true. Not only did I know my abusers they were family and as it says is more likely to occur in the child’s home. That’s two out of three so it’s not looking to good so far on this topic, not one bit. Alcohol and drugs, yup that comes into play as well which is in our home and I knew the...

            This coming June will mark twenty one years since I got married and thirty four years since we have met in an old fishing camp on the shores of Oneida lake. She was eleven years old and I was thirteen at the time but when your camping friends are easily made, and they always come and go unless they return the next year and you get to meet again. Our friendship started out as a telephone relationship until she was about sixteen years old when we were both able to spend the night at each others home, go camping or meet up to do things.             For someone who has been sexually abused for just about their entire life, the acts and the situations almost become normal and this is one reason that the question comes about as to if I asked for it or not. My wife and I at that age had already been talking about things that happened during my life as she was starting to s...

           What you are about to read is something that is real, it is not fake and things have not been added to this story. This is one of my abusers that took advantage of me a couple of years after my brother first started his sexual abuse on my sister and me. Here is my story: It was only four days after Christmas when my birthday arrived. Growing up in the military as an Air Force brat, my tenth birthday was the one I had waited for as long as a nine year old could.   You see, when you’re a son or daughter of a parent who is in the military it is the first time you get to receive your first military dependant identification card. Being a military brat, as children of service people are called, turning ten was just as if not more important as turning sixteen. Just like four days prior, I could not sleep that night and was ready to jump out of bed at the first sign of light as it peeked through by my bedroom...

       Today I had a really bad day, and the problem is I don't even know why. I fell asleep last night about 2am and normally I will wake up around 11am. Today I could not wake up, I forced myself out of bed at 2pm almost a 12 hour sleep. I woke up feeling very depressed with the feeling that something had happened, maybe in my dream or a flashback that I was not aware of. The rest of the day I was depressed, unhappy and my mind just would not stop spinning around in circles. The nice thing is that I did not experience any flashbacks throughout the day, which is a good thing.        But I have a question for you, they placed me on a CPAP Machine to see if the lack of sleep was caused by the Apnea that I have or the Depression. To be honest, I have been wearing this machine for two weeks now and I have not noticed any change in my mind or body. I don't have anymore energy nor do I go the full day without feeling tired and wor...

       I am sure that you are asking yourself what happened that I say I have to recover from all this abuse I speak of. Just what kind of abuse went on that after all this time my mind has gone thru a breakdown and I am on disability?        Well, as you might have read in my "Nite Writing" post it started what I can remember at the age of about 7 years old. My brother forced my sister and I to have intercourse one day, and then later told on us. My mother beat my sister and I for doing the act and then for lying to her because we denied the whole act because we did not know what sex was. From there it went on, growing from him just fondling me to having sex with the dog as he watched. Everything you could think of happened in between, and this lasted until I was 15 years old when he raped me and beat me really bad while making my sister watch. During most of these sessions he would bring other male friends into our hom...