Saturday, July 13, 2013

Complex Inner Workings

    My previous blog post talked a lot about what has happened to me over the course of the last two years. Obviously there was a ton of details and specific actions in the blog that was left out only because the post could have almost turned into a small book had I truly started from the beginning and wrote about events until that blog was posted.

     But what that post does bring to the forefront is what every person who suffers from any type of mental or physical abuse trauma and that is the fear of being abused again. While the actual event of the trauma weighs heavy on the mind and soul of a person, the fears of reoccurring abuse is what brings on the stress associated with that specific trauma. It's within this stress that the body reacts and takes on a defensive in different forms which could include phobias, terrors in dreams, panic attacks and many other reactions that effect everyday normal living. It is dealing with these that one suffers the most from because a majority of the effects come with no warnings or little to no explanation as to why something happens.

     A good example of this is a panic attack, often striking a person with many different types of side effects such as chest pains, shortness of breath and increased fear. Panic attacks strike most every time with no warnings and often increase in intensity because of the fact that the side effects alone mimic other medical conditions of a more serious nature and one can never tell the difference. One of the biggest problem I see from this is that the individual eventually stops seeking medical help because of constant phone calls to their doctors over these feelings and should something actually occur that added fear of "Crying Wolf" could end up being the real thing. What most people do not do is contact their doctors who prescribe the medications to have them adjusted to help them with panic attacks or will often self medicate which could lead to a more serious situation.

     Once a person becomes abused, not only do they feel the physical or mental abuse but the mind will create any type of safety buffer it can to protect ones self. We do not have control over the minds reaction, and more so than often it is this buffer that creates diagnosis such as PTSD, Agoraphobia, Major Depression and other mental disabling factors. It also falls into the definition of the Stockholm Syndrome as to why abuse or manipulation is able to occur after the initial abuse has taken place. Once faced with another threat of abuse the body and mind will react to protect ones self, and while a normal person might fight, someone who suffers from this will mentally and quickly build walls to protect while detaching themselves from the reality that another attack or abusive situation is taking place. Well hidden behind these walls, the situation is able to move forward and it is then that close family, friends and loved ones become the second victims because of the fact one has hidden and protected themselves that no one can or will be let in unless that person is able to heal.

     That is where the long road to recovering comes into play when it comes to breaking down the walls of fear. Your everyday person on the street cannot understand why one cannot just leave the past alone and move on when it comes to abuse. When a person is abused it goes much deeper then the abuse, like I said it becomes a self protection and that is what the real healing needs to focus on. I personally have been in counseling for many years and have discussed over and over the abuse I have lived, however discussing how to begin to chip away at the walls was not. In order for a person to even start to heal over any type of abuse they must first begin to chip at these walls and that is what is the most difficult thing one will ever have to deal with. In essence breaking down a wall means leaving ones self venerable which no survivor is quickly willing to do. Once a person is abused more then once either by the same perpetrator or a second and so forth the walls become that much thicker and much more difficult to chip away at often leaving a person to live their lives in the same fears, same protection and same frame of mind for many years and for some, forever.

     In summery, one must understand the complex inner workings of a victim of abuse because without this understanding it will and does bring more stress into relationships, work and everyday life. It may take years for one to even begin to understand why someone is acting the way they do or how their thoughts are formed from inside these walls. One must also keep in mind that often times the victim themselves will not understand why or how they react to certain situations because of the way their minds work. Just like in the Stockholm Syndrome why the abused became close to their abusers is best described in my own thoughts is because it gave the victim a sense of control. While this is not always the case, it gives the victim a very small sense of peace to think they are in control. There are many reasons a victim act the way that they do, the problem is getting there to find out why and how to fix it in the healing process.

Friday, July 12, 2013

The Unknown Path.

     Tonight is confession night as I again feel I need to start my blogging again. It's been since 2011 when I last posted to my blog and so much has happened to me, my life and the view of my future. Ever since a three week stretch, in an out of two hospitals my life has begun to take some changes in both the way I think and feel. I have been told by several people that they have seen a change in me, and I hope that the path I am on is closer to healing rather then heading towards either another breakdown or let down of emotions.

     Emotions, the key to what keeps me going and what has me starting to write in my blog again. The fact is, on July 9th I broke it off with my girlfriend and also was informed my divorce was in fact final. For those who followed my blog in the past read how strong my family was for me and how I was getting by with them in my life. Fact again is that all that was lost when someone came into my life and in my condition was able to take me away from my family so much to the point I lost my marriage, my oldest daughter and most of all the respect of friends who I had. Although the last two years I was in a relationship with this person, I believed everything that was going on was what I wanted, truth is I don't know what it is even now what I want. What turned out was this relationship was a very unhealthy one that took a major toll on my life, my feelings and ultimately my family.

     What started out as a trip to the hospital ended up in me moving out, leaving my wife and family, entering a new relationship and within four months a child in my life. Only in the last two months have I realized after talking to my now ex-wife and listening to my children did I look closer at how I was feeling in this relationship and just how things came to be. A part of me knew I did not want to be in this relationship because I would always tell my children that I was breaking it off only to remain in it. This cause a lot of mistrust in my children because they had been telling me the kind of relationship I was in was not right but I stayed despite what family and friends had told me. In fact not only did I loose family but I threw away friends for this relationship, something I now look back and regret horribly that I did however what happened was nothing short of manipulation and control over my life and because of my condition mentally I had no idea nor did I see what was going on.
     What should have been easily recognized by any normal person, my mentality allowed things to happen as well as progress over the years and months. You see, after being abused for so many years when put into a situation as a child I would not fight but rather crawl into myself and become numb. This action was the reason that two more people were allowed to sexually abuse me even after the abuse that I have already received. I realized this time, just as in the past, I was under control because of fear. I was afraid to stand up to this person which only allowed the relationship to continue even though deep inside I knew I was afraid of her. My children were not allowed to do my wash, visit and cook for me, not allowed to do certain things and I was never able to
stand up for them even though it upset me that it was happening. Basically I was living my life in fear without the strength or ability to stand up for myself in anyway, just like the child who could not do the same every time I was sexually abused over and over. Problem is, what happened before started at the age of five years old and I am now forty seven years old. Currently it really depresses me because I wonder if I will ever be able to feel safe or even love again and not worry about if it is real or not.
    Someday I hope that I will be able to have my Daughter back in my life, even though I have lost two years of her life which included her going off to college, going on college visits and other events in her life. I know I will never get these back and I will never get back all the things I have missed. I have become friends with my Ex-wife however she is in a new relationship as well that is very healthy and I honestly do support because I see all the things she is doing now that I was never able to do with her. It makes me realize too that after twenty two years of marriage that my whole life I have been mentally disabled just not to the extent I am in after my breakdown three years ago. It also makes me wonder if I would ever be able to make a woman happy because of my disability and my fears. Even speaking to a woman in the apartment complex she stated that she was in a relationship where the guy could not go out very much and just how unhappy she was until she ended it, and she is disabled as well. So it makes me question not only what there is that I have to offer someone but if I could even begin to be happy myself always questioning if what I am in is real or not.
     Well, I am going to end tonight's blog post with all this in mind. I know I am embarking on a new path in my life and that I need to walk this path alone but how far or how long I have no choice but to leave it to God. I can no longer make quick decisions and I need to question my well thought out decisions or I may end up back to where I was before this week. So with that said, I hope you understand and best wishes to you the reader.