Road to Recovery: My own thoughts along my path.

            When did we do that, seems to be the question I keep asking a lot these days, especially now that I have started my Electroconvulsive therapy (ECT). In fact, not only do I ask that question more often now I seriously have lost days from my memory as little as four days prior to my first treatment. It was something they said could happen, and I heard that everyone goes through it while having ECT but I did not expect how it would affect me or feel once it started with me.             On December 7 th I was admitted to the hospital around six o’clock in the evening, from the time I woke up till the time I arrived at the hospital is a total and complete blank. It is so blank, it is as if the whole day never happened and if it did I was not a part of it, or so I remember. Yet, everyone tells me what I did, I know we did purchase a snow blower, from where I have no ide...

            Today is a mile stone in my daughter’s life and again my illness has me away from the event. Something she wanted me to be at for the longest time, take her to her driver’s license road test. Just like several major events in my children’s lives I am not able to attend to see how she will do and the reaction she will have when the instructor hands her the pass/fail slip. This time however I am in the hospital receiving ECT treatments, which today happened to be my sixth one.             I have yet to truly experience if I have started to feel less depressed or anxiety, but I have noticed that my tremors have increased a tad bit however I do not feel the need to hide in my room like when I am home and retreat to my bedroom. I do wonder what affect this has had on my DID or my Alters as I have not had any communication with any of them. I still sense the presence of K...

            As I sit here in the dining room at the hospital, I sit here and wonder about things in my life. I have been dealing with the collapse of my sanity since February and with only days left before Christmas I am still sitting here in a hospital fighting my depression and self worthlessness. I try and look back at everything I have accomplished so far in my life, my family and the things that make our home complete. Even though there are a lot of positives in my life I can’t help but feel, what ever the purpose, that everything I am going through, no matter how negative it may be, has some type of a reason which I don’t know what it is. What I can honestly tell you is that is that it becomes a daily struggle to deal with feelings and changes to my moods. I just finished breakfast after having my fifth ECT out of six inpatient treatments. Wednesday after the sixth treatment I am suppose to go home and start them on an out pat...

            I have found the reason for my depression yesterday and the same depression I am feeling today. In order for the ECT to work they have to take me off one of the mood stabilizers that I am on, which happens to be the same medication given to people who have seizures. This medication would cause a problem with the ECT as it causes seizures as the electric shocks trigger the brain. And just like the AED’s that are used when a person is having a heart attack by blocking the natural electricity to the heart, this is used to change the way that the electrodes pass through the brain that causes depression.             So as you can tell, today is another depressing day which happens a lot. I do also believe it is the lowered meds and having to be in the hospital for this has me doing a whole lot of thinking which for me is never good. I seem to be sitting here looking back...

            After a long time waiting for ECT to help me start to deal with my depression, I actually had my first treatment today. I’m not sure if it was what I expected, in fact it was way different and from what I read it’s almost as if nothing happened. Almost as if I went into the room where they do the procedure, they put me to sleep and I just woke up. However, they did to the treatment and I only wonder if the remaining will be the same as the first one of if they will become more noticeable to me when I wake.             First off, I already mentioned that on Wednesday I had a series of tests done to make sure my body could handle to procedure. Well, Thursday just prior to going to bed the nurse came and put in an IV stint. I was not sure why they put this in, but I assume it was just incase something happened during the procedure or what, but they put it in anyway and...

            Last time I blogged I spoke about how my day of check in went which was on Tuesday December, 7 th and the first full day on the floor on Wednesday. What I did not write was that after I posted my blog I met with the social worker on the floor. She asked me pretty much the same questions however she read that the intake nurse put into her notes that I raped my sister. Say WHAT???             During the intake process, after telling her about my CSA and how my brother forced my sister and I to engage in sexual intercourse she wrote that I raped my sister. All the abuse started with me raping my little sister. I have no idea how she could come up with this type of conclusion and she has or had no idea what that has done to me, how could a nurse on a mental ward not be able to understand what I was telling her or was she listening at all. Was this nurse so confus...

            It has been a couple days since I have blogged, and I just wanted to explain why I have not been on. I have finally been admitted to the hospital to start my ECT treatments that I have been waiting for. The amount of depression that I have been writing about over the last two months just has become so overwhelming that I have kept pushing for this because the amount of medications I am on has not cutting it for me. Yesterday on my daughters ninth birthday, they found a bed and I took advantage of it.             Checking in was just like checking into any normal hospital for an expected procedure with questions of past and history. They took all my vitals and given a tour of the floor where everything is located, given a room and allowed to settle in. I ended up going to sleep about 9pm and woke up beginning at 9am. I was woke up for blood work and fell right back t...