Road to Recovery: My own thoughts along my path.

     Today I found I have an anchor that keeps me in the state of depression that I am in, it's called flashbacks. Images and vivid thoughts of the past that keep me haunted by the trauma I suffered at the hands of others and things that I have done to others.      On Sunday I did what I set out to do, and that was to attend church, to get out of the house and try and start fighting my fears. It was a major step for me and while I was proud of myself and what I did, I sat there having flashbacks where I never thought I would. I fought them and stayed, I did not leave nor did I allow myself to seep into the depths of depression however they were and are very vivid. I can remember going to confession over my past because my parents made me feel that it was my fault and I needed to confess my sins. I could remember the priest asking me to give details on what I had done and having to explain to him everything. I think this is why as an adult and church I am ...

     They say that everyone who suffers from depression needs a safe spot in their surroundings or someplace in their mind where they can go to get away from the feelings and thoughts that occur. Counselors and therapist will try and help you create or build that spot with you when discuss grounding, or keeping in touch with reality. But what happens when that safe spot no longer works or makes you feel safe, but rather becomes part of the main source of the pain. What happens when the happy memories are tarnished by bad thoughts.      Some of my fondest memories are not that of being a child but rather then being a young adult. The safe spot, where support and good thoughts meant to bring one out of depression only now are complicated with fears and rejection. I understand the reasons behind the change, however to try and recreate a new safe spot after all this time becomes more of a job rather then a work of art in my mind. When I was down, drifting or ...