Saturday, July 9, 2011

It has been to long.

     It has been a long time since I logged into my blog and posted something. From what it looks like it has been almost six months, and it is something that I should not have given up or stopped doing. Many things have happened, there have been some major changes and basically my life has gone to hell so to speak.

     Since my last post, I have really strayed off the path of healing and taken a turn of self anger and almost refusal to want to heal. Frustration from the time it is taking to heal really effected my life in so many ways that the last six months could become a whole different blog within it's self with it's own topic. Last night I hit rock bottom that lasted thru my sleep on into the morning. I was filled with so much rage and anger, I was very much in denial about my problem, I blamed my medications for everything that has been going on, I canceled all my future appointments and wanted to just give up on everything. I believe now that the reason I have ended up almost back to the beginning of my recovery is that I began to feel self pity, looking for answers in wrong places, blaming everyone else for what I was going thru and I was doing. I myself lost control of my alters and one which is the strongest took over most of my life and I let it run ramped. I was not acting with good judgment, with others in mind and it was as if I had regressed back to a period where my abuse was taking place. Once I reached this period all my defence, my walls, my running and my fears came back almost twice fold.

     Back in March I got angry with my family, the stress of being a husband and father took over and I could no longer deal with it. I was so confused, not knowing who I really was or where I was really going. Being around my children seemed to trigger panic, my decisions were made in haste and with very poor judgement. Because I had been on disability for over a year my company let me go and I lost my counselor for a month, I was not listening to family or friends, I did not care what was going on outside my own mind. I left my family and moved into an apartment with a friend then eventually into my own. I stopped my ECT treatments, would skip meds at some hours and even some days. Panic set in almost as a daily thing, to the point all my windows are covered so no one sees in and I don't see out. Suicidal Ideation plays over and over in my mind nightly wanting to just break these chains that I am bound by. I am lucky because I do not want to die and thus I fight with it and I win. Panic attacks seem to come and go, with no cause or triggers that I am aware of, I get fits of anger and rage, I am always running away from things and no loner facing them like I was starting to. My Facebook page became videos and comments of depression, anger and mood swings often swinging from one side to the other faster then one could flip a switch. My focus became more on treating what was happening now rather then looking at the root of the problem. Sometimes I would read about PTSD, DID and Major Depression and look for symptoms in myself almost as if to want to make the problem worse then it was or is. It is very hard to look into the mirror and see someone who looks the same as I did 2, 3 or even 5 years ago and try to understand that I am disabled  because of my mental state which is something you just can't see or show people. My memory has been so shattered that I sometimes cannot remember what I did 10 minutes ago let alone yesterday. I am not sure if it is a combination of ECT or meds that have driven me to the memory thing but it has become very hard to deal with.

     Last month I purchased a digital recorder and started taking it to my counseling sessions. After a couple days I would listen to some and be in total shock at the things I was hearing, as if to say "That's ME?". I really started to not care about anything or anyone for that matter. But last night made me realize that I am again at rock bottom, I have regressed almost in mental age and the walls I have put up are almost taller then the ones I had before all this hit. This morning, still feeling the way I did I decided to stop my meds, canceled all my appointments and now realize that I am really in need of help. I need to stop in my tracks and ask those who are around me to help me and get involved more in getting the help then sitting here hoping it will just all go away because I can tell you now, it will not go away. Sunday is a planned day but on Monday I am going to make my appointments again, tomorrow I am going back on my meds and I am going to make the calls I need to make to get me back on track. I don't know what or how I am going to do it, or just how long it is going to take but it is something that I need to rethink and put into motion. I need to start putting myself first and not last, walk with people who love me and not run away. It is not going to be easy, in fact I think it is going to be one of the most difficult things yet I have done but it needs to be done or I will be done.

    I am back to blogging, I am going to do this daily no matter what has happened or has crossed my path. I need to do this to self heal and also, maybe help someone realize they are not alone in their own journey. My only problem, is making that 1st step but I need to make it. Baby steps at a time, but I am going to do it and I am going to find a way to survive.  :)