Road to Recovery: My own thoughts along my path.

           What you are about to read is something that is real, it is not fake and things have not been added to this story. This is one of my abusers that took advantage of me a couple of years after my brother first started his sexual abuse on my sister and me. Here is my story: It was only four days after Christmas when my birthday arrived. Growing up in the military as an Air Force brat, my tenth birthday was the one I had waited for as long as a nine year old could.   You see, when you’re a son or daughter of a parent who is in the military it is the first time you get to receive your first military dependant identification card. Being a military brat, as children of service people are called, turning ten was just as if not more important as turning sixteen. Just like four days prior, I could not sleep that night and was ready to jump out of bed at the first sign of light as it peeked through by my bedroom window letting me know that the day had officially arrived. I jumped out

Post-trau-mat-ic / {pohst-truh-mat-ik, -traw-, -trau-} -Adjective: Occurring after physical or psychological trauma Stress {stres} -Noun: Physical, mental or emotional strain or tension            Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a type of anxiety disorder that's triggered by a traumatic event. You can develop post-traumatic stress disorder when you experience or witness an event that causes intense fear, helplessness or horror. Many people who are involved in traumatic events have a brief period of difficulty adjusting and coping. But with time and healthy coping methods, such traumatic reactions usually get better. In some cases, though, the symptoms can get worse or last for months or even years. Sometimes they may completely disrupt your life. In these cases, you may have post-traumatic stress disorder. Getting treatment as soon as possible after post-traumatic stress disorder symptoms develop may prevent PTSD from becoming a long-term condition. (Mayo Clinic)   

               A few nights ago, I stated that it has become very hard for me to think of any good memories of my past that do not become over shadowed by a bad memory or two. The deep depression I have never allows me to feel like there has ever been any good in my life and no matter how I try I can never find any good. This past post I referred to, I spoke about my Baseball game as one example where I loved to play and my parents never came to watch, good over shadowed by bad. Well, for the first time in a very long time, I was triggered by an ad on Craigslist that had a couple of photos attached. Triggers of GOOD memories and not the bad that has been going on for the longest time. The ad, a 1968 Volkswagen Beetle that someone here in Syracuse is selling. My father had a Volkswagen when I was a child, and even though this car was not the same color as the one my father had, his was green and this one was blue, it was enough to bring back memories of just my father and I riding in i

            Tonight’s blog is going to be about my feelings, the topic is going to be off base from my own healing and the road I am on to recovery for another topic that has me very angry. It is on the topic of Child Sexual Abuse and the changes that are going on in this country. These are going to be my thoughts because right now I am so angry and bitter that I don’t think I can even think about my own abuse except for the fact I want to run out and protect every child I see.            If you subscribe to any child abuse web page, follow Twitter or Facebook you might have heard the news that Amazon online book store is now offering and online book called “ The Pedophile's Guide to Love and Pleasure”. I can’t believe that there can be any kind of book written like this by someone let alone a company that would actually sell this. The story is being covered by all the major networks including CNN and FOX News and it has become an argument of freedom of speech and press. Many org

            It is Tuesday night just passing into Wednesday morning, which means another day has passed and a new day is about to dawn in about 5 hours. Today was another good day ending on a sour note, meaning that just as the sun goes quietly down behind the horizon and night fall covers the sky, depression sets in just as quietly and dramatic as the change in the day.   Another feeling of depression, which is going to make this blog very boring because it seems that the feeling, comes on faster then a bullet passing through air. Just like the feelings of the past, no explanation, no warning just a silent change drifting thru my body and mind. It becomes very depressing being depressed so often with no real reason in front of me.             I reflected on yesterday’s blog post and realized that I may have been looking at something that was not there, in the fact she felt I was abusing my brother by having my Sister and I going to confession. I spoke to my sister today and we discus

Wow, I just read yesterday’s blog and I can see my mind was spinning faster then I thought. That is one thing that is awesome about blogging and not doing a journal in a note book or a word document is that it makes it so easy to go back and read what you wrote. After reading this over a couple things came to my mind which started to make sense as I read it and even read it a second time. If you read my blog at all, I have said I have two alters, Keith and Robert. Well, I am aware of one other however I don't mention much about him because I am unable to find out anything about him. All I know is that he sits on a plate, like a dinner plate, and spins around and around. He does not talk; he just sits there and spins. I call him Michael. So like I said I was reading over my blog and the reference to the top spinning on the table, afraid to get close to the edge, fall off and break. Does this not sound like Michael and what he does? I could not believe that I used a top as an exampl

       Well the weekend is over, and yet another week is coming up, dealing with depression and waiting for the doctor to decide if they are going to do ECT or not. I already know the pills are not working and of course they can't up anything because of the amount of medication I am already on. I am really starting to get angry over this depression. My wife asks me all the time what is wrong and as normal I can't tell her why.        I just got back from Potsdam where I picked up a file cabinet to take to Liverpool for my Mother-N-Law. I am trying to remember what it was that came flashing into my mind on the way home. This forgetting and memory loss is getting old too. If I could remember I might be able to understand maybe why I am feeling so dam depressed. I know I was driving listening to Elvis on CD and I thought about where I was when he died. But that was no flashback that had nothing to do with my abuse or past. I believe I was thinking about the people's house

       Tonight I was feeling all but depressed again, I don't know why again but it was just another down day. As I sat here looking at all the Tweets on Twitter I realized I was not really thinking, I was just reading along. I don't follow to many people and not to many follow me just yet so I flipped over to Facebook to play a few games to keep my mind moving. I find when I am depressed I don't think a whole lot and I only want to lay down and just sleep. I really don't care if I eat or not, I just don't want to move.        So, instead of just blogging about how I felt which I could very well have done I decided to get a little creative and make a power point presentation. My mind was running in such overdrive that I could not keep my thoughts onto one topic. A first for me since I started my blog yet not the first time since February 12th. When I was last in the hospital for 3 weeks, they had crafts 3 times a week and I remembered how I felt when I did those. T