Post-traumatic stress disorder and me.
Post-trau-mat-ic / {pohst-truh-mat-ik, -traw-, -trau-}
-Adjective: Occurring after physical or psychological trauma
Stress {stres}
-Noun: Physical, mental or emotional strain or tension
Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a type of anxiety disorder that's triggered by a traumatic event. You can develop post-traumatic stress disorder when you experience or witness an event that causes intense fear, helplessness or horror. Many people who are involved in traumatic events have a brief period of difficulty adjusting and coping. But with time and healthy coping methods, such traumatic reactions usually get better. In some cases, though, the symptoms can get worse or last for months or even years. Sometimes they may completely disrupt your life. In these cases, you may have post-traumatic stress disorder. Getting treatment as soon as possible after post-traumatic stress disorder symptoms develop may prevent PTSD from becoming a long-term condition. (Mayo Clinic)
The exact manor of how people develop PTSD varies between people, even if it is the same situation. Two people may witness the same traumatizing accident, watching a person killed and will have two different stories, views and may very well experience after effects of this psychological trauma different ways. After affects will touch each person in different ways and they will experience different symptoms of this trauma. The timing where one may or may not show signs of having any trauma is never set in stone, there is no guarantee that every person will feel these after affects at the same time, same degree or will handle it the same way. Some people will experience PTSD many years after usually triggered by an event or memory that will bring the trauma to the front of ones mind. Each person is different on how theirs will manifest, if it does, but the one thing that they will share no matter what, is that they will all feel some type of anxiety at some level as they begin to process the thoughts and images of what they had witnessed. This is also true among survivors of abuse, where the past could manifest very soon after or a much longer period of time from when the actual abuse took place. No matter when this affects a person, the person could experience flashbacks, or reliving the traumatic event for minutes or even days at a time or upsetting dreams about the traumatic event. May people who might show outward signs will exhibit what is called avoidance where they very well may try to avoid thinking or talking about the traumatic event, feeling emotionally numb, avoiding activities you once enjoyed, hopelessness about the future, memory problems, trouble concentrating or difficulty maintaining close relationships. In all these sign and feelings, the onset of PTSD will also trigger depression which could lead into Major Depression if not treated correctly.
In my own experience, when my first daughter was born I was unable to change her diaper without fear of someone looking or watching me. I was unable to build a relationship with my daughter from that moment on and because of this fear and I knew I needed to get help. I sought counseling to discuss my problems but was never diagnosed with PTSD, in fact I was treated more for depression then anything else. A few more years past and I experienced another bout of memories and this time they included flashbacks and nightmares. Again, I sought out counseling for these problems that I was going through and saw a another counselor each week for a little over a year. I was treated for depression and again never heard the words or letters PTSD. A little less then a year after both my parents had passed away and 36 years later was when I had my biggest breakdown and flooding of flashbacks, dreams, memory problems, all the classic signs of avoidance and suicidal ideology where I could see myself doing it yet had no desire to do it. This is when I decided I needed some type of real help, from someone who knew what they were doing and understood what I was going through. This time however it was ten times worse then the two prior attempts to get help. What started at the age of 8 and continued for many years had now manifested it’s self into a very debilitating and severe case of PTSD. I was hospitalized several times and properly diagnosed and teamed up with a counselor who knew how to handle my problem and help me start on my road I am on to recovery.
Many websites, articles, medical information and just about everywhere you research PTSD will explain what it is, how it comes about, the reason it does and what to look for in a person who is suffering from it. However there are more problems that come with PTSD that I have suffered from as a result of the sexual abuse. For many years, almost starting with the birth of our daughter, I was afraid people were watching how I acted, handled or even looked at my daughter. While none of this was really true, the fear I had was so great that I never changed a diaper for the longest time. This same fear also moved into my daily life where as anytime I saw a child or children I would have to look the other way out of fear that I was being watched. Last week, I attended my youngest daughters Halloween party in her classroom. I walked into the room and immediately became scared as this fear returned to me so bad that I sat in the corner and read a child’s book or sat talking to my wife. I thought that it was something that was wrong with me because I never read how sexual abuse affected people this way until tonight. On the Oprah show, a doctor was on and explained how some people, especially men will feel this way often destroying the relationship they have with their own children. I can not even explain the feeling I had listening to this doctor tell how men develop the inability to bond with even their own children, knowing that all along this had been me and I never knew other people felt this way. It is obvious to me now that all my life, my experiences have been dictated by my past. You will hear many people discuss how survivors can work on healing and recovering but the one thing that I seem to feel that is missing, is that a survivor needs to learn all over again how to become a part of society the same way someone who has spent years in prison would have to learn to blend back into the world. Yes, it may not be as closely related to a prisoner because I know how to use all the technology we have today, however learning to interact with other people on a whole new level is something that is going to be new and challenging especially for someone like me, I have a problem with authority. I too learned from the Oprah show that many men have the same feelings as I do about that. Again, I was surprised because growing up all these feelings and fears were a part of my daily life so I always thought it was just me.
Today, after nine months of walking this path to recovery I learned a lot of how it was not just me but others like me who suffer the same results of their abuse. It really was two realizations at once, one being that I am really not alone and two that these feelings I have that others shared was more of an affirmation that my abuse was real and that my mind did not make it all up. Even though I know it happened, I relive it almost daily and I have other proof of my abuse it is something that in a way makes me feel more like a person and not just an abused little boy trying to survive from day to day. The main reason, because I am not alone, I am not weird, I am not a person who is rattled with many fears but that I am someone who suffered at the hands of another and that one day I will become the person I was born to be and in a way become reborn again into this world with a whole new outlook and perspective on life. That is, as long as I stay on the road to recovery I am on. Until Next Time….
-Adjective: Occurring after physical or psychological trauma
Stress {stres}
-Noun: Physical, mental or emotional strain or tension
Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a type of anxiety disorder that's triggered by a traumatic event. You can develop post-traumatic stress disorder when you experience or witness an event that causes intense fear, helplessness or horror. Many people who are involved in traumatic events have a brief period of difficulty adjusting and coping. But with time and healthy coping methods, such traumatic reactions usually get better. In some cases, though, the symptoms can get worse or last for months or even years. Sometimes they may completely disrupt your life. In these cases, you may have post-traumatic stress disorder. Getting treatment as soon as possible after post-traumatic stress disorder symptoms develop may prevent PTSD from becoming a long-term condition. (Mayo Clinic)
The exact manor of how people develop PTSD varies between people, even if it is the same situation. Two people may witness the same traumatizing accident, watching a person killed and will have two different stories, views and may very well experience after effects of this psychological trauma different ways. After affects will touch each person in different ways and they will experience different symptoms of this trauma. The timing where one may or may not show signs of having any trauma is never set in stone, there is no guarantee that every person will feel these after affects at the same time, same degree or will handle it the same way. Some people will experience PTSD many years after usually triggered by an event or memory that will bring the trauma to the front of ones mind. Each person is different on how theirs will manifest, if it does, but the one thing that they will share no matter what, is that they will all feel some type of anxiety at some level as they begin to process the thoughts and images of what they had witnessed. This is also true among survivors of abuse, where the past could manifest very soon after or a much longer period of time from when the actual abuse took place. No matter when this affects a person, the person could experience flashbacks, or reliving the traumatic event for minutes or even days at a time or upsetting dreams about the traumatic event. May people who might show outward signs will exhibit what is called avoidance where they very well may try to avoid thinking or talking about the traumatic event, feeling emotionally numb, avoiding activities you once enjoyed, hopelessness about the future, memory problems, trouble concentrating or difficulty maintaining close relationships. In all these sign and feelings, the onset of PTSD will also trigger depression which could lead into Major Depression if not treated correctly.
In my own experience, when my first daughter was born I was unable to change her diaper without fear of someone looking or watching me. I was unable to build a relationship with my daughter from that moment on and because of this fear and I knew I needed to get help. I sought counseling to discuss my problems but was never diagnosed with PTSD, in fact I was treated more for depression then anything else. A few more years past and I experienced another bout of memories and this time they included flashbacks and nightmares. Again, I sought out counseling for these problems that I was going through and saw a another counselor each week for a little over a year. I was treated for depression and again never heard the words or letters PTSD. A little less then a year after both my parents had passed away and 36 years later was when I had my biggest breakdown and flooding of flashbacks, dreams, memory problems, all the classic signs of avoidance and suicidal ideology where I could see myself doing it yet had no desire to do it. This is when I decided I needed some type of real help, from someone who knew what they were doing and understood what I was going through. This time however it was ten times worse then the two prior attempts to get help. What started at the age of 8 and continued for many years had now manifested it’s self into a very debilitating and severe case of PTSD. I was hospitalized several times and properly diagnosed and teamed up with a counselor who knew how to handle my problem and help me start on my road I am on to recovery.
Many websites, articles, medical information and just about everywhere you research PTSD will explain what it is, how it comes about, the reason it does and what to look for in a person who is suffering from it. However there are more problems that come with PTSD that I have suffered from as a result of the sexual abuse. For many years, almost starting with the birth of our daughter, I was afraid people were watching how I acted, handled or even looked at my daughter. While none of this was really true, the fear I had was so great that I never changed a diaper for the longest time. This same fear also moved into my daily life where as anytime I saw a child or children I would have to look the other way out of fear that I was being watched. Last week, I attended my youngest daughters Halloween party in her classroom. I walked into the room and immediately became scared as this fear returned to me so bad that I sat in the corner and read a child’s book or sat talking to my wife. I thought that it was something that was wrong with me because I never read how sexual abuse affected people this way until tonight. On the Oprah show, a doctor was on and explained how some people, especially men will feel this way often destroying the relationship they have with their own children. I can not even explain the feeling I had listening to this doctor tell how men develop the inability to bond with even their own children, knowing that all along this had been me and I never knew other people felt this way. It is obvious to me now that all my life, my experiences have been dictated by my past. You will hear many people discuss how survivors can work on healing and recovering but the one thing that I seem to feel that is missing, is that a survivor needs to learn all over again how to become a part of society the same way someone who has spent years in prison would have to learn to blend back into the world. Yes, it may not be as closely related to a prisoner because I know how to use all the technology we have today, however learning to interact with other people on a whole new level is something that is going to be new and challenging especially for someone like me, I have a problem with authority. I too learned from the Oprah show that many men have the same feelings as I do about that. Again, I was surprised because growing up all these feelings and fears were a part of my daily life so I always thought it was just me.
Today, after nine months of walking this path to recovery I learned a lot of how it was not just me but others like me who suffer the same results of their abuse. It really was two realizations at once, one being that I am really not alone and two that these feelings I have that others shared was more of an affirmation that my abuse was real and that my mind did not make it all up. Even though I know it happened, I relive it almost daily and I have other proof of my abuse it is something that in a way makes me feel more like a person and not just an abused little boy trying to survive from day to day. The main reason, because I am not alone, I am not weird, I am not a person who is rattled with many fears but that I am someone who suffered at the hands of another and that one day I will become the person I was born to be and in a way become reborn again into this world with a whole new outlook and perspective on life. That is, as long as I stay on the road to recovery I am on. Until Next Time….
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