Road to Recovery: My own thoughts along my path.

            Nothing puts a damper in something then finding out that someone you know has been touched by the same abuser as you. While growing up, there were several of his fiends involved it becomes pure shock to find out children left in the care of my Mother were abused as well. It becomes a realization that in fact no one was safe and as long as it met his personal needs, there was no regards for anyone’s feelings or what it would do to their futures.             Last night I spoke to a very close friend, although we don’t keep in contact faithfully, the relationship has always been like a younger brother to me and when ever we run into each other it’s as if we never loose contact. We became friends on the social network, Facebook and he happened to be on the chat so we started talking. With everything I have been through over the last ten months, I could not help but to ask him if my older brother had ever touched him, I had questioned it because he had grown up with the family

            When I was abused, it was not abuse but rather something that I asked for. When I was abused, it was not abuse because I always made myself available. When I was abused, it was not abuse because I never told so I must have liked it. When I was abused, it was not abuse because they loved me and when someone loves you the things they do can’t be bad it has to be good. When I was abused, a lot of the thoughts I had were just that and for that reason for years I felt dirty, ashamed and worst of all I felt I was to blame. I lived this way for many years, never telling anyone about my abuse, hiding it from the world because I did not want to be labeled something I was not and besides, my abuse was written across my forehead for others who wanted to abuse me. I was put on this earth to serve, to keep quiet, keep secrets and was never to go outside the family ring or else.             These are real feelings and thoughts I carried for most all of my life, including well into my ad

            When did we do that, seems to be the question I keep asking a lot these days, especially now that I have started my Electroconvulsive therapy (ECT). In fact, not only do I ask that question more often now I seriously have lost days from my memory as little as four days prior to my first treatment. It was something they said could happen, and I heard that everyone goes through it while having ECT but I did not expect how it would affect me or feel once it started with me.             On December 7 th I was admitted to the hospital around six o’clock in the evening, from the time I woke up till the time I arrived at the hospital is a total and complete blank. It is so blank, it is as if the whole day never happened and if it did I was not a part of it, or so I remember. Yet, everyone tells me what I did, I know we did purchase a snow blower, from where I have no idea, how we got it home is a nope either and getting it into the truck and all…. No way!! If not for the machin

            First off, I would like to acknowledge the webpage Malesurvivor.org for helping me through the issue of the Social Worker and my hospital stay the past couple of weeks. The support from members helped me realize that it was only one person’s view that does not know the whole story and really had no basis to even make such a comment. Also, based on HIPPA laws no one is really going to have access to these records and the fact that my Sister was aware and even voiced her dissatisfaction only confirmed in my mind that she was way off base and I am starting to realize that it shows some people still need to be educated on Child Sexual Abuse, especially when it involves family members.             While reading some of the responses on the page in reference to my problem I came across one members blog who wrote about the view of some people and their comments “Boys will be Boys” or “At that age, it’s all experimental” and came to realize that along with the comments of the Soci

            This is actually my second post today and this is something that is really bothering me and I can’t stop thinking about it to the point it woke me up from a nap and I am having shakes and tremors out of what feels like fear. I am referring to the note that the Nurse placed in my intake notes of my medical records stating that I Raped my Sister while my Father watched which is far from truth. I can’t stop thinking about what the Social Worker told me when she asked if my sister was willing. When I said “no” she told me then it was called rape.             From what she is telling me is that I raped my sister yet I notice that my sister did not rape me, even though I was not willing either. Rolling in my mind is what I was thinking as this act was going on, fear that just like the dogs we raised, we would get stuck. If I was so afraid then why would I force my sister to do that? After many years of dealing with a past from hell, in and out of counseling, major breakdown back

            Today is a mile stone in my daughter’s life and again my illness has me away from the event. Something she wanted me to be at for the longest time, take her to her driver’s license road test. Just like several major events in my children’s lives I am not able to attend to see how she will do and the reaction she will have when the instructor hands her the pass/fail slip. This time however I am in the hospital receiving ECT treatments, which today happened to be my sixth one.             I have yet to truly experience if I have started to feel less depressed or anxiety, but I have noticed that my tremors have increased a tad bit however I do not feel the need to hide in my room like when I am home and retreat to my bedroom. I do wonder what affect this has had on my DID or my Alters as I have not had any communication with any of them. I still sense the presence of Keith, the eight year old, when I go onto Netflix and watch cartoons and Disney and I wonder if the increase i

            Today I sit in the TV Room wondering how things are going and if the treatments are helping at all so far. I know I have only had five treatments so far I just do not feel that my emotions have changed for the better as of yet. Today I am feeling stronger then normal tremors throughout my body, and my mood over the last couple of days has been lower, just as I was when I first came to the hospital two weeks ago. I am not sure why these feelings have seemed to creep back, but for some reason my sense of safety is lower and I do not know why.             One thing for sure is that I have also slept quite a bit, the last three days they have actually come to my room to wake me for all my meals. I have fallen into that deep of a sleep during the day with the inability to go to sleep very easy. I find that I lay down and almost feel like I lay there for an hour before my body decides to fall asleep. Once I get to sleep I fall into that deep sleep and stay there not really wanti

            As I sit here in the dining room at the hospital, I sit here and wonder about things in my life. I have been dealing with the collapse of my sanity since February and with only days left before Christmas I am still sitting here in a hospital fighting my depression and self worthlessness. I try and look back at everything I have accomplished so far in my life, my family and the things that make our home complete. Even though there are a lot of positives in my life I can’t help but feel, what ever the purpose, that everything I am going through, no matter how negative it may be, has some type of a reason which I don’t know what it is. What I can honestly tell you is that is that it becomes a daily struggle to deal with feelings and changes to my moods. I just finished breakfast after having my fifth ECT out of six inpatient treatments. Wednesday after the sixth treatment I am suppose to go home and start them on an out patient basis.             ECT has not been anything tha

            Well a full week has passed and today I had my fourth ECT this morning. I understand that it was a good treatment with some good muscle movement which means that the stimulation is getting to the right levels. I am going to ask what the settings they have been using because this morning the Doctor said he was going to get a little more aggressive and turned the machine to 45. I doubt they go by volts but rather joules like on an AED machine so I wonder what the 45 means and what they were before.             Another thing I was advised is that once a note is written into notes in your medical record, it can never be removed. I learned this after a Counselor came to me to go over my treatment plan which after she handed to me to review. The first paragraph was written that I was forced to rape my sister while my father watched; I became so angry because not only did several nurses tell me that this was not true, but that the doctor called to have this removed from the recor

            I have found the reason for my depression yesterday and the same depression I am feeling today. In order for the ECT to work they have to take me off one of the mood stabilizers that I am on, which happens to be the same medication given to people who have seizures. This medication would cause a problem with the ECT as it causes seizures as the electric shocks trigger the brain. And just like the AED’s that are used when a person is having a heart attack by blocking the natural electricity to the heart, this is used to change the way that the electrodes pass through the brain that causes depression.             So as you can tell, today is another depressing day which happens a lot. I do also believe it is the lowered meds and having to be in the hospital for this has me doing a whole lot of thinking which for me is never good. I seem to be sitting here looking back over the last several years of my life and just how my past has affected me and my relationship with people,

            Sometimes life brings new challenges and other days it just brings what it brings. When we wake for the day we never know what the day has in store for us and it changes every step we take, every turn of the corner. Depression is the same way; you never know when it will hit and just how heavy it will bring you down when it does. One thing I wish that I could predict when it will hit so that I can let people ahead of time.             I planned on blogging last night, however I was trying to figure things out and lost time around the usual blogging time. By the time I realized that I needed to get my computer, they closed the day room here in the hospital. Last night was another hard night as for some reason I hit a bottom of depression, and as always it just came on for no reason at all. I ended up going to bed a little after 3 AM and kind of laid there for a little while before falling asleep. They came into my room about 6:30 AM to get me ready for my second ECT which w

            Today is Sunday afternoon and I am still in the hospital going for my second ECT in the morning. This evening they will come and put the IV Stint in where they placed the meds to put me to sleep. I think this time I am going to stop having anything to eat or drink after 7 PM this time. Now that I know what to expect I know just what to expect and what not to expect. We shall see.               Yesterday I went home on an eight hour pass, which was good to see the kids have not changed a whole lot. Wish they would step up and help their mother, especially when they know that Daddy is coming home for a visit. I was happy to see the driveway done from all the snow. I did not know we had that much snow on the ground and they are expecting much more over the next couple days. It’s the possibility of Freezing Ice that I did not go home on a pass today and the Doctor asked if I wanted to stay until Wednesday because of the bad weather we are suppose to get on Monday. It is so un

            After a long time waiting for ECT to help me start to deal with my depression, I actually had my first treatment today. I’m not sure if it was what I expected, in fact it was way different and from what I read it’s almost as if nothing happened. Almost as if I went into the room where they do the procedure, they put me to sleep and I just woke up. However, they did to the treatment and I only wonder if the remaining will be the same as the first one of if they will become more noticeable to me when I wake.             First off, I already mentioned that on Wednesday I had a series of tests done to make sure my body could handle to procedure. Well, Thursday just prior to going to bed the nurse came and put in an IV stint. I was not sure why they put this in, but I assume it was just incase something happened during the procedure or what, but they put it in anyway and I fell off to sleep.             This morning I was awakened at 6:30 and they took my vitals, which they do

            It’s just after dinner and I decided to bring my computer out and check out my own Facebook to see what’s going on out in the real world. I have been pretty quiet most of the day and basically sleeping all day. Dealing with the confusion has drained me and just brought in more depression. What I can’t believe is the lack of compassion or understanding from the staff on this floor. The floor I am on is the Psychiatric floor of the local hospital. I turned on my computer and went to look at the Facebook that is linked to this blog and a nurse decided to look over my shoulder.             The one nurse that did ask about the title of the last blog post and what happened. She tried to brush it off and told me that she looked and saw nothing about what was written. I tried to explain to her I met with my social worker who showed it to me during our meeting. One of the nurses who were in the intake overheard the nurse and I talking and piped up that it was being handled and that

            Last time I blogged I spoke about how my day of check in went which was on Tuesday December, 7 th and the first full day on the floor on Wednesday. What I did not write was that after I posted my blog I met with the social worker on the floor. She asked me pretty much the same questions however she read that the intake nurse put into her notes that I raped my sister. Say WHAT???             During the intake process, after telling her about my CSA and how my brother forced my sister and I to engage in sexual intercourse she wrote that I raped my sister. All the abuse started with me raping my little sister. I have no idea how she could come up with this type of conclusion and she has or had no idea what that has done to me, how could a nurse on a mental ward not be able to understand what I was telling her or was she listening at all. Was this nurse so confused. I was not able to sleep a wink very well last night and oh did the nightmares creek into my sleep. What really

            It has been a couple days since I have blogged, and I just wanted to explain why I have not been on. I have finally been admitted to the hospital to start my ECT treatments that I have been waiting for. The amount of depression that I have been writing about over the last two months just has become so overwhelming that I have kept pushing for this because the amount of medications I am on has not cutting it for me. Yesterday on my daughters ninth birthday, they found a bed and I took advantage of it.             Checking in was just like checking into any normal hospital for an expected procedure with questions of past and history. They took all my vitals and given a tour of the floor where everything is located, given a room and allowed to settle in. I ended up going to sleep about 9pm and woke up beginning at 9am. I was woke up for blood work and fell right back to sleep, several minuets I was woken for a chest and spinal e-ray which again came back and fell a sleep, sam

            I was abused! In order to start to heal I need to admit what happened in my past was real and was not my fault. I will heal from this! In order to heal I have to set a goal and remind myself daily that I am going to reach this goal. I will be there for you during my recovery! I need to promise, no I mean comfort you, wait I mean tell you… I am hurting so bad that it is so hard to be there for you when you need me. That sounds more like what needs to be said when the realization of Child Abuse comes out as if you were just hit a brick wall, during a foot race in the middle of the night, out in the country where there are no street lights. It never happens when your expecting it or ready for it to come out and the news hits you harder then learning a parent has passed away, at least you can understand why they passed away, but not that the inner child in you was killed and you forgot all about it when you realize that it now explains how you have been living your life.      

        Many times while writing in this blog my mind becomes so empty or I forget the topic I wanted to write about it just makes me mad. Today for example, I heard a song and thought, that’s a great topic to write about and tell how it affects me as a survivor, but do you think I can remember the song? They tell me that memory loss is related to severe depression and if that is true then I really need to come out of it really soon before I totally loose my memory for good. It’s weird to start a sentence and stop forgetting that you were even talking let alone what you were talking about. Some time back I mentioned how I forget my way home and don’t recognize where I am at let alone forget the things I have done.         The mind is truly amazing in so many ways, it holds all our thoughts and memories while controlling out bodies all at the same time. The past which we live are memories that we often can look back on almost on demand like being in a conversation and remember doing th

 For more than 100 years Haut de la Garenne  had been a center of child abuse Child Abuse is a disease that is running ramped across the United States about as fast as Head Lice and is kept just as quiet. School officials are now trained to look for signs of abuse on a child just like a school nurse is trained to look for Head Lice in children attending school. If a child is found to have Head Lice a notice is sent home to notify parents, however parents don’t discuss this with friends and family because of the myth that Head Lice is considered to be a sign of being dirty. Abuse is the same now, as the news reports almost on a daily or weekly of someone who has been caught and arrested. Letters are sent home every time a sex offender moves into any school district informing parents (At least here in NY) a general location where this person is living.         This is a good practice and it shows just how many pedophiles are out there but it is not a deterrent to stop them from