It was my problem I needed to get over.

            Nothing puts a damper in something then finding out that someone you know has been touched by the same abuser as you. While growing up, there were several of his fiends involved it becomes pure shock to find out children left in the care of my Mother were abused as well. It becomes a realization that in fact no one was safe and as long as it met his personal needs, there was no regards for anyone’s feelings or what it would do to their futures.

            Last night I spoke to a very close friend, although we don’t keep in contact faithfully, the relationship has always been like a younger brother to me and when ever we run into each other it’s as if we never loose contact. We became friends on the social network, Facebook and he happened to be on the chat so we started talking. With everything I have been through over the last ten months, I could not help but to ask him if my older brother had ever touched him, I had questioned it because he had grown up with the family since he was born and mother started to babysit him. I had my opinion it may have happened to him, just as I suspect it happened to other children that she babysat I never understood why I was so convinced it had.

            During the conversation, I gathered the muster to ask and although I had questioned, I was not really ready for the answer I was about to be given. All he said, and all that was needed to be said, was that the topic was a sore subject along with a frown face. My heart sank, because not only could I relate to how he feels, but what might happen if he does not deal with things or begin to speak to someone like his parents. It is good that he does see a doctor and is on medication for depression, but he admitted that he cannot and does not talk about it. He does what I have done most all my life, and that is to keep the silence where now I am breaking the silence and chains that has bound me to the past.

            It has stirred up a few of the emotions inside me and I feel sort of like when I ended up in the hospital the first time, confused and hurting. That empty pit, the lump in the throat has come back and basically it really stinks because I know there is more out there, so much my wife said I could start a whole support group with just his victims, and that she is right. I wish I could contact a few others I have in mind just to inquire because I am curious but maybe it is better that I don’t know. Like a hurricane leaves a path along the coast, his path goes from NJ, NY all the way down to Florida and back. We may never truly know how many were touched by him and he will never admit that he did anything wrong, like he told me “It was my problem, I needed to get over it”  

I will break free from these chains..

            When I was abused, it was not abuse but rather something that I asked for. When I was abused, it was not abuse because I always made myself available. When I was abused, it was not abuse because I never told so I must have liked it. When I was abused, it was not abuse because they loved me and when someone loves you the things they do can’t be bad it has to be good. When I was abused, a lot of the thoughts I had were just that and for that reason for years I felt dirty, ashamed and worst of all I felt I was to blame. I lived this way for many years, never telling anyone about my abuse, hiding it from the world because I did not want to be labeled something I was not and besides, my abuse was written across my forehead for others who wanted to abuse me. I was put on this earth to serve, to keep quiet, keep secrets and was never to go outside the family ring or else.

            These are real feelings and thoughts I carried for most all of my life, including well into my adult life. The first time I was to change my daughter’s diaper it hit me that something was wrong with me and the feelings were now being put into question. What I learned, I suffered from a syndrome that went undetected until the late 70’s. When the abuse first started I was told that if anyone was to find out my life would be in danger, and since he was in karate classes I had every reason to fear him. The syndrome I refer to is known as the Stockholm syndrome, in which victims become attached to their abuser in several ways which allows the abuse to continue longer. Even after knowing what it is that I suffered from and the reason it all continued, knowing that this syndrome exists and how one succumbs to the power of the abuser it is something that is very hard to overcome and really hinders the healing process.

            I can look back and remember many of the attacks on my body, sexual, physical and mental abuse by the people who I loved and trusted. It becomes so very hard to admit, understand or deal with the fact that the love that was given was actually conditional love based on personal gain of those who I thought were the ones who loved me for being me, a son and a brother. The road to recovery for me is plagued with confusion and misunderstood actions that reactions now become questions of everything that I have become and I really have a hard time answering the basic question of who I am. Every day of my life up until now has been based on a lesson, an experience or the way I was raised as a child. I wonder if who I am, where I am and what I am are all supposed to be what they are or should I have been something else. It really places a huge damper on thoughts that are needed to progress in getting past this and healing.

            I realized tonight that I started to work towards a goal of becoming free of the pain that I carry, but in order to truly reach my goal I have a lot more work that needs to be done and it needs to start out with a plan of treatment together with my counselor, doctor, family and myself and work feverishly to reach that final goal no matter how long it takes. I will break free from the kind of thinking I have carried all these years. Once I do this I will break free from the chains that hold me to this wall that is slowly starting to fall. I will be free and I will know without any question that I am a survivor. Until Next Time.

When did we do that?

            When did we do that, seems to be the question I keep asking a lot these days, especially now that I have started my Electroconvulsive therapy (ECT). In fact, not only do I ask that question more often now I seriously have lost days from my memory as little as four days prior to my first treatment. It was something they said could happen, and I heard that everyone goes through it while having ECT but I did not expect how it would affect me or feel once it started with me.

            On December 7^th I was admitted to the hospital around six o’clock in the evening, from the time I woke up till the time I arrived at the hospital is a total and complete blank. It is so blank, it is as if the whole day never happened and if it did I was not a part of it, or so I remember. Yet, everyone tells me what I did, I know we did purchase a snow blower, from where I have no idea, how we got it home is a nope either and getting it into the truck and all…. No way!! If not for the machine in the garage and the video I played with on the way I would not believe it even happened at all.

            Yet as I said, the only memory I have of December 7^th was the hospital. All day we looked for a snow blower as the one we had did not work and I did not have the time or recourses to repair the machine prior to me going into the hospital and the next major snow fall here. On the way to Home Depot, about a 15 minute ride I let my video cell phone record the trip from the house to Home Depot’s parking lot. Even though I do not remember the trip I can play it over and watch as I pass cars along the way, change lanes, carry on conversations and even park the truck, messed up because I cannot remember it at all to save my life. I am told we called ahead so they put one together and on hold for us to pick up that day, told that it was cold and snowing as we put down the ramps and pushed it onto the truck. I could have been dressed as a big pink duck, because none of that can I remember. It really is like someone telling me a story from when I was a child to young to remember something, like my first step or something like that. And the feeling you get listening to it and trying with all your might to remember it and there is absolutely no memory what so ever is the most eeriest feeling you can have, worst then waking up from a heavy night of drinking because you don’t feel the ill feelings that go along with that. I mean, there is just no memory of it at all, and little things in-between then and even now are blank spots including a few days prior to that day. It really is weird to feel this way, almost like amnesia has set in and it’s like a little nightmare.

            So far, this has been my experience with the ECT which is only a side effect and not a treatment. My depression is still present and I still have the lack of desire to do most things however I was able to attend Christmas Mass without having to be on total meds just to control my anxiety. I was still shaking and afraid to look around but as long as I was sitting close to family and they were holding my hand as a way of comfort and support I was able to stay the whole mass which is something I was not able to do weeks prior. So, I would have to say that from only six treatments there has been some improvement which two days before I did not think there was any. So my chin is starting to look up a bit and I am actually looking forward to the next four treatments to see how much further I can progress. Monday is number seven and my first out patient treatment so I am wondering how that is going to go. I do not expect it to be much worse, aside from coming home and falling asleep and not being taken to a floor should be about it. Of course I will blog and fill everyone in on how it goes then. Until Next Time.

Thank You malesurvivor.org for helping me think.

            First off, I would like to acknowledge the webpage Malesurvivor.org for helping me through the issue of the Social Worker and my hospital stay the past couple of weeks. The support from members helped me realize that it was only one person’s view that does not know the whole story and really had no basis to even make such a comment. Also, based on HIPPA laws no one is really going to have access to these records and the fact that my Sister was aware and even voiced her dissatisfaction only confirmed in my mind that she was way off base and I am starting to realize that it shows some people still need to be educated on Child Sexual Abuse, especially when it involves family members.

            While reading some of the responses on the page in reference to my problem I came across one members blog who wrote about the view of some people and their comments “Boys will be Boys” or “At that age, it’s all experimental” and came to realize that along with the comments of the Social Worker at the hospital it is so true that after all these years, and all the information out there in the world today that people are still naïve to the feelings and thoughts of survivors. People often view abuse as an Adult/Child situation and really do overlook Child/Child abuse. One fact that really supports this is how Date Rape is just really starting to become widely known and that it does not need a so called “Date Rape Drug” to be involved.

            Incest is another form of Child Sexual Abuse that when mentioned, people automatically think of the father who abuses his daughter, never do you hear about Brother/Sister or Brother/Brother abuse. When I approached my own brother on my abuse years after when it hit me, he said to me that it was only child’s play and that I needed to get over it. He was very charismatic and really had me believing that maybe he was right, even though it hurt me to no end when ever I thought about it. I did not think about how I was fifteen years old when he violently raped me and he was nineteen years old. I did not think about how he made my twelve year old sister watch as he beat me as he did. Had I thought about it I would have questioned how it could be experimental at that age? Maybe, JUST Maybe when I was eight years old and my sister was five one might call it that but not when it is under the direction of a brother who was twelve years old. His mentality and reasons for putting us through what he did and the fact I needed to get over it, showed just how sick he truly was.

            There are so many people, like me and my sister, who have suffered at the hands of siblings or relatives who were the same age or even a little older and the truth needs to be told. The stereo type abuser needing to be an adult needs to be broken with the fact that anyone at any age can become a perpetrator. While the Social Worker was way off tract in my situation because she did not have all the facts, she was correct in fact that had my sister not approved and I was the one doing the act on my own and continuing well past that one situation then even though I was eight years old, I would have been a Sexual Abuser. We really need to become more aware of what is happening in our world today, and the lack of knowledge towards the many different types of abuse shows just how much work is still needed to make the world aware of Child Sexual Abuse and all the different forms there are.

            With today being Christmas Eve, we should all stop and think about all the children who are dealing with what we dealt with when we were children. Pray that they will not have to suffer the way we have because of it, and if they do, pray they find the strength in friends that we all have made in our own struggle to survive to where we are today, For it is from friends that support us where we sometimes find our greatest strengths to make it one more day. And to all who read my blog, thank you for your support because as I look at the views in a day it helps me feel as if I am helping someone by telling my story and my daily life feelings. Until Next Time.

Deep Dark Secret - Kelita (Video by Richard Mayhan)

The video below I found through a link off a friends Facebook page. I felt that this video carried a strong message and was very well made. I am not the author however I knew it needed to be shared.

I can't deal with their views..

            This is actually my second post today and this is something that is really bothering me and I can’t stop thinking about it to the point it woke me up from a nap and I am having shakes and tremors out of what feels like fear. I am referring to the note that the Nurse placed in my intake notes of my medical records stating that I Raped my Sister while my Father watched which is far from truth. I can’t stop thinking about what the Social Worker told me when she asked if my sister was willing. When I said “no” she told me then it was called rape.

            From what she is telling me is that I raped my sister yet I notice that my sister did not rape me, even though I was not willing either. Rolling in my mind is what I was thinking as this act was going on, fear that just like the dogs we raised, we would get stuck. If I was so afraid then why would I force my sister to do that? After many years of dealing with a past from hell, in and out of counseling, major breakdown back in February which has had me out of work since then, in and out of four hospitals and on a ton of medications that has made physical changes to my personal life from side effects in relation to both my memory and sexual life. Now, I can’t get this out of my mind and it is really affecting me to the point where I just can’t deal with it.

            I need to slow my mind down and try to grasp what really happened, but the words of the social worker keep over shadowing my thoughts. If society has been looking at it this way then I question whether or not all my life counselors felt the same way or if the doctors who have treated me thought the same way. I am beginning to wonder where my mind is going and if my life is not what I have been thinking all along. I just can’t get the phrase off my mind about my sister not being willing and because I was the one who penetrated her that I raped her. I am just having major problems and hope I will be able to get answers as to what is going on, was the counselor correct or did she miss speak? This has me really messed up. Until Next Time if not too soon…

Day six for ECT, Unknown day for DID.

            Today is a mile stone in my daughter’s life and again my illness has me away from the event. Something she wanted me to be at for the longest time, take her to her driver’s license road test. Just like several major events in my children’s lives I am not able to attend to see how she will do and the reaction she will have when the instructor hands her the pass/fail slip. This time however I am in the hospital receiving ECT treatments, which today happened to be my sixth one.

            I have yet to truly experience if I have started to feel less depressed or anxiety, but I have noticed that my tremors have increased a tad bit however I do not feel the need to hide in my room like when I am home and retreat to my bedroom. I do wonder what affect this has had on my DID or my Alters as I have not had any communication with any of them. I still sense the presence of Keith, the eight year old, when I go onto Netflix and watch cartoons and Disney and I wonder if the increase in tremors may be a result of the ECT and it’s effects on the body or if it also includes effects on my Alters.

            Most times while I am home, and one of my Alters comes to the forefront of my mind, I can feel my body experience what I call shifts of energy starting in my feet and legs as it moves up my body almost as a numbness of sorts till it reaches my mind. This is the only way that I can describe what happens when I start to dissociate and often drift into my past or feelings that I am experiencing from within and I am almost unable to express them or understand them on my own. One thing I will have to wait is to go home to see my wife because she often is on the receiving end when they do manifest and begin to speak. I do not understand this, unless she is the one who remembers that I drifted and if I am alone or the people who I am with have no idea or the ability to see a change in me. In the past, my actions were often written off as acting childish or just not acting my age. Now I can see why the Doctor told me that I act as if I go into a self hypnosis or trance when I blank out. Blank out because I have no recollection of what I say or do during an episode.

            Well tomorrow will be day number sixteen for being in the hospital and the day they are going to discharge me. Future treatments will be on an outpatient basis where I get to be at the hospital by 6:30 AM and from what I understand I will be home by 11:00 AM which is not to awful bad. In, Shock, Out then back to bed, oh what a plan that is. What really is lousy is the fact that I will not be able to drive for the rest of the day from being drugged up from the procedure. So, for now I will close out and rest my mind for a little while. I still have the dry mouth from this morning, a slight headache and tiredness from this morning. Hopefully I will be able to add some comments tonight. Until Next Time.

Little bit of nothing.

            Today I sit in the TV Room wondering how things are going and if the treatments are helping at all so far. I know I have only had five treatments so far I just do not feel that my emotions have changed for the better as of yet. Today I am feeling stronger then normal tremors throughout my body, and my mood over the last couple of days has been lower, just as I was when I first came to the hospital two weeks ago. I am not sure why these feelings have seemed to creep back, but for some reason my sense of safety is lower and I do not know why.

            One thing for sure is that I have also slept quite a bit, the last three days they have actually come to my room to wake me for all my meals. I have fallen into that deep of a sleep during the day with the inability to go to sleep very easy. I find that I lay down and almost feel like I lay there for an hour before my body decides to fall asleep. Once I get to sleep I fall into that deep sleep and stay there not really wanting to wake up. I am not sure if this is a longer side effect of the ECT treatments or if my body is getting used to the treatments now and my original symptoms are starting to come back to the way they were before I started the first treatment, this I am not sure and I am going to have to ask.

            It does look like my last inpatient treatment is going to be on December 22^nd and I believe I am going to stay until the next day to see how everything goes. At least I will be home on Christmas day which has always been a special day for me, especially growing up as a child. Then four days after that my 45^th birthday, wow am I getting older. One thing I can honestly say is that journaling is somewhat difficult because I have experienced some short term memory loss, more so in the fact that when I think of something I am not so good at keeping the thought in my mind for so long. I don’t really have a big problem with memory of my past but rather things that happen today or over the last several days. One thing they did say was that this would be a side effect of the treatment but that it will not last that long, I don’t think it will last long and I don’t think that my memory loss is a severe as what they have warned me about. In fact, the whole treatment is nothing what they warned me about. We have a new person on the floor who has been receiving outpatient treatments and she said that she is normally in by 6:30 AM and home by 11:00 AM so it really looks like it is going to only be a couple days a week mornings only.

            Well, I am going to make this post short as I am going to go take my medications and relax before dinner comes around 6:00 PM. Tonight I have to stop eating and drinking after midnight as tomorrow is going to be my last inpatient treatments so might as well get ready for that. See if I can order up an extra desert just to keep the taste buds happy. But, this is a hospital so we both know the chance of that is pretty slim, but worth a try. Until Next Time..

ECT number Five.

            As I sit here in the dining room at the hospital, I sit here and wonder about things in my life. I have been dealing with the collapse of my sanity since February and with only days left before Christmas I am still sitting here in a hospital fighting my depression and self worthlessness. I try and look back at everything I have accomplished so far in my life, my family and the things that make our home complete. Even though there are a lot of positives in my life I can’t help but feel, what ever the purpose, that everything I am going through, no matter how negative it may be, has some type of a reason which I don’t know what it is. What I can honestly tell you is that is that it becomes a daily struggle to deal with feelings and changes to my moods. I just finished breakfast after having my fifth ECT out of six inpatient treatments. Wednesday after the sixth treatment I am suppose to go home and start them on an out patient basis.

            ECT has not been anything that I expected, especially after watching videos on YouTube about the procedure. Over all the whole process is painless and not as bad as portrayed by the video, in fact it is far much less embarrassing and about as routine as pulling a sliver out of a finger. The whole process from the morning prep time to the time I return to my room is approximately three hours at best. After all five treatments the only side effect I experienced was a slight head ache which a Motrin was all it took to take care of that. And since I am already aware that the procedure produces seizures, which is uncontrollable movements of your muscles, I already am aware that the muscles that control the bladder will be affected I ask for an adult pad such as a pair of depends, any accident does not become an issue and there is no embarrassing moments.

As with any procedure, there is no eating or drinking past midnight. At about 6 AM they come into my room, take vitals and I am given a shot and a tart tasting drink about the size of a flavored creamer you get at any corner store. The shot is given to cause the mouth the dry up and the drink is to cause the stomach to slow production of the acid which could be regurgitated into the esophagus during the seizure. After about an hour they come to pick you up in a gurney to be transported to the Surgery Recovery Room where ECT is administered. After you arrive your vitals are checked and you’re placed on a heart monitor, oxygen sensor, blood pressure monitor and the leads to the machine that delivers the shock are hooked up. After this minor preparation is complete your ready for the Doctor to come over and administer the shock. He arrives at your bedside, along with the nurse and anesthesiologist and start the ECT. As nurse acknowledges that everyone is there for an ECT, the doctor places the electrodes that will deliver the shock, in my case 45 joules, and medication is given to knock you out.

Once you awake and the treatment is over, you are monitored for a while and your vitals are checked on a regular basis. The whole process has taken 10 minutes from the time the nurse checks for the agreement of the procedure till you awaken enough to remember that you are really awake. There are no side effects that I have experienced aside from a mild headache after each treatment, nothing that a Motrin cannot handle. There is much debate out there whether or not ECT really does work and just how it affects the body. There is another patient here who has been on them and received her eleventh treatment today and I have noticed that she is starting to smile and laugh where when I first arrived the only emotion she had expressed was depression and doubt. That gives me a sense off hope in the fact that maybe I will not be so depressed after I get further along in my treatments. I have one left, which will be on Wednesday and scheduled for two more next week.

Well, that has been my day today. The weekend was long and it’s going to feel like forever until Wednesday when I am suppose to be able to go home. I am hoping that when I do my kids will have started to help their mother and there will be less bickering when I get there. It will be a couple more days before Christmas when I get home and hopefully everything will go smoothly for the rest of the week. The bottom line in all this, I feel that the ECT will work just not in the 3 or 4 treatments but more like 10-14. I will just have to wait and see when it’s all over. Until Next Time…  

The hospital states "Can't Change Notes"

            Well a full week has passed and today I had my fourth ECT this morning. I understand that it was a good treatment with some good muscle movement which means that the stimulation is getting to the right levels. I am going to ask what the settings they have been using because this morning the Doctor said he was going to get a little more aggressive and turned the machine to 45. I doubt they go by volts but rather joules like on an AED machine so I wonder what the 45 means and what they were before.

            Another thing I was advised is that once a note is written into notes in your medical record, it can never be removed. I learned this after a Counselor came to me to go over my treatment plan which after she handed to me to review. The first paragraph was written that I was forced to rape my sister while my father watched; I became so angry because not only did several nurses tell me that this was not true, but that the doctor called to have this removed from the records. This was two days ago, and since this plan was printed this morning and read to me the same day it provides proof that not only was I lied to about the content of my medical records but also the fact that these were to be stricken from my records. I pulled my social worker aside to readdress this and she then advised me that once the assessment is placed into records is cannot be removed and that there really was nothing they could do. She did put a note in the bottom that the paragraph was incorrect and said it was something that I must have said in order for it to be in the records. There is nothing further from the truth when it comes to that because I have never used that word or any word like it to describe what my brother forced us to do.  Funny, I was told that word is used anytime there is non consensual sex. Ok, so are telling me that my sister did not consent to it so I raped her, so is it that I did not consent my sister raped me. Is it that because I do not consent to the notes in my records and they refuse to fix it can I call what the hospital is doing to my mental state rape because of what they are taking away from me. It is unreal how the professional world acts and uses such universal terms to describe such delicate situations.

            Well, I do hate to report that after four treatments my depression has not decreased as of yet. Just last night I sat in the corner of the TV room just staring out the window. It is very hard to be locked up on a mental ward of a hospital because of depression and PTSD and while trying to heal with all the ECT treatments and staff not having one bit of compassion towards a victim and what it has done to ones mental process. I truly wonder if the whole situation could actually have a negative impact to what treatments I am having or if they will not affect them at all. I know once I read the report the anger, bitterness and depression set right in. I am concerned that the symptoms are getting worse by a few of the hospital staff while the doctor tries his best to help correct what is going on. It's a battle within me fueled by those who are now around me, and truth be told I am kind of nervous about it.

            For now this is about all I am able to write because of the anger and depression I am having at the moment. It is time for me to go lie down and try and get some rest. I hope that I can sit down later and journal a little bit more about my feelings and how they are affecting me inpatient in the hospital as well as what my feelings are about the future in my current state of mind. Until Next Time..

Thinking of things frozen in time.

            I have found the reason for my depression yesterday and the same depression I am feeling today. In order for the ECT to work they have to take me off one of the mood stabilizers that I am on, which happens to be the same medication given to people who have seizures. This medication would cause a problem with the ECT as it causes seizures as the electric shocks trigger the brain. And just like the AED’s that are used when a person is having a heart attack by blocking the natural electricity to the heart, this is used to change the way that the electrodes pass through the brain that causes depression.

            So as you can tell, today is another depressing day which happens a lot. I do also believe it is the lowered meds and having to be in the hospital for this has me doing a whole lot of thinking which for me is never good. I seem to be sitting here looking back over the last several years of my life and just how my past has affected me and my relationship with people, work and other things that I have done. Being in the hospital where they only have 3 activities a day each lasting about twenty minutes each leaves too much time for thinking. It leaves a lot of time to think about how some aspects of my life moved on while others seem frozen in time, waiting to me melted free.

            Tomorrow is going to be day number three for ECT treatments. So far the only after product that I come upstairs is with a headache. They tell me that loss of memory will also accompany these treatments but I am not sure if I will see this as noticeable as my short term memory is already effected by either the medications I am on or if it has to do with the trauma and the realization that has caused my mind to slowly drift. I only hope and pray that they come back and sooner then later because there is so much I have lost and so much more I can loose.

            Well, today’s post is going to be the shortest on here so far. I have slept most of the day and continue to be tired. Remember, the one thing I do is sleep it away rather then do anything stupid when I am feeling this low. I sort of wish that I could get my ECT treatments every day to speed this up, however I know this is not going to happen. I also hope I am out on the 22^nd of December as my daughter takes her road test, however I have an ECT scheduled for 7:00 am that morning and by the time 2:00 PM rolls around I will still be sleepy from the knock out medications that they give me to put me to sleep. My doctor did tell me that If I am able to go home right after a procedure I can expect to go home after 11:00 AM. So if I do get a ride home I can always ride with her to her test which will be sweet. Well, like I said going to make this a short one. Until Next Time…

Another Depressing Day

            Sometimes life brings new challenges and other days it just brings what it brings. When we wake for the day we never know what the day has in store for us and it changes every step we take, every turn of the corner. Depression is the same way; you never know when it will hit and just how heavy it will bring you down when it does. One thing I wish that I could predict when it will hit so that I can let people ahead of time.

            I planned on blogging last night, however I was trying to figure things out and lost time around the usual blogging time. By the time I realized that I needed to get my computer, they closed the day room here in the hospital. Last night was another hard night as for some reason I hit a bottom of depression, and as always it just came on for no reason at all. I ended up going to bed a little after 3 AM and kind of laid there for a little while before falling asleep. They came into my room about 6:30 AM to get me ready for my second ECT which went well. The only thing I came up with was a slight headache. When I came up I laid down and was out till about 1 PM. I am not sure but they increased the amount of knock out drug from 80mg to 100mg and aside from lack of sleep I was still drugged up getting back to the room. I then came down to day room for lunch, and that was pretty good.

            Today again I am depressed again, it always seems like depression is all I feel. Course then again I did not receive my night meds last night and no meds this morning, maybe that has something to do with it I don’t know. Then again, I don’t know much anymore about my treatments and road of recovery I am on. The doctor said that I am going to receive eight treatments and wanted to go back to the original plan of me being in the hospital for a week and a half so he wants me to stay in until the 22^nd just three days before Christmas. I feel really bad because I called my wife who I could tell was very upset that as of this moment there is no real clear plan or notes in my records, or that I was out for 3 hours before I had called her. I know I should have called her and not left her in the dark but I was so out of it I passed out and just could not stay awake let alone walk with the meds I was on.

            I guess I should go get my morning meds, since it is after 2 PM and I am feeling so low. Then again, that’s all I do is become depressed and I wish these ECT’s would kick in faster. I don’t know if raising my medications will help but I am now getting to the point where I am so tired of all this effecting my family the way that it does. It always boils down to my feelings, my depression and that it seems that I can’t consider other peoples feelings. I just wish the change I am heading for will come faster and sooner then later.

Just a few thoughts.

            Today is Sunday afternoon and I am still in the hospital going for my second ECT in the morning. This evening they will come and put the IV Stint in where they placed the meds to put me to sleep. I think this time I am going to stop having anything to eat or drink after 7 PM this time. Now that I know what to expect I know just what to expect and what not to expect. We shall see.

 

            Yesterday I went home on an eight hour pass, which was good to see the kids have not changed a whole lot. Wish they would step up and help their mother, especially when they know that Daddy is coming home for a visit. I was happy to see the driveway done from all the snow. I did not know we had that much snow on the ground and they are expecting much more over the next couple days. It’s the possibility of Freezing Ice that I did not go home on a pass today and the Doctor asked if I wanted to stay until Wednesday because of the bad weather we are suppose to get on Monday. It is so uncommon that a Doctor not only cares about the problem you are having but takes in to consideration the family who has to pick you up, he actually asked if I wanted to have family drive in the snow. He said we can decide when we know better when Monday comes around and we get a better idea what the weather is going to be.

            Last night I had a pretty bad night sleep, I think it had to do with the one argument I had with one of the nurses who was coming across that we all had a choice in our past and how our past was played out. Not exactly something that you tell a survivor or someone who is on a road to recovery. I also noticed 3 other patients in the room who were very bothered and upset, two walked out and the other and I stayed because I was upset and angry over what was being said. I was not going to put up with what this guy was saying after finally getting over the fact that I I was not to blame and I did not ask for this. I was not going to head back to thinking this, I was not going to regress on that thinking.

            Today I am also having a problem with some memory issues, more so then normal. I seem to forget things that happened a few minutes ago to a couple days ago. I don’t know if it is the drop in the meds, or change in the meds that has caused it or if the ECT has caused a little memory problems. At this point I am not really sure. I guess after Monday’s treatment I will get a better grip on if the memory is from the ECT or if it is more medication related.

            Well, I did not get a chance to write yesterday so I thought I would sit down and put down a few thoughts into text. I plan to do a blog tonight and see just how things go, see if I can remember my whole day or if there will be a lot more blank spots or gaps along the way. So I will continue this later in the evening. Until Next Time….

First ECT.

            After a long time waiting for ECT to help me start to deal with my depression, I actually had my first treatment today. I’m not sure if it was what I expected, in fact it was way different and from what I read it’s almost as if nothing happened. Almost as if I went into the room where they do the procedure, they put me to sleep and I just woke up. However, they did to the treatment and I only wonder if the remaining will be the same as the first one of if they will become more noticeable to me when I wake.

            First off, I already mentioned that on Wednesday I had a series of tests done to make sure my body could handle to procedure. Well, Thursday just prior to going to bed the nurse came and put in an IV stint. I was not sure why they put this in, but I assume it was just incase something happened during the procedure or what, but they put it in anyway and I fell off to sleep.

            This morning I was awakened at 6:30 and they took my vitals, which they do every morning anyway but this time I was awaken for them. They gave me a shot and a drink that came in a plastic cup about the size of a Chrystal Lite container complete with the peal back top. I asked what these were for and was told the drink was to dry my stomach up so there would be no regurgitation and the shot was to dry up my mouth.  Then they gave me a hospital gown and pants to change into and asked to go potty before going down. It was about a half hour before the transporter came with the stretcher to roll me down, which by the way my mouth was very dry by the time we made it to the floor below. I was wheeled into my parking spot, or the spot where I thought was the prep room and two nurses came to get me ready. On the stretcher they placed a pad that went the entire length of the bed rails, placed heart monitor leads on my chest to monitor my heart. After waiting, which I think I fell asleep because they woke me up because it was time for me to have the treatment.

            At this point the doctor and anesthesiologist came in, hooked up some leads to my head and then applied the electrodes on both sides of my forehead. The Doctor at this point gave the order to put me out, I remember the needle going into the stint and that was it about it, I don’t even remember starting to count after he told me. The next thing I woke up and was being moved back to my room. I felt nothing, I had no after effects like loss of memory or confusion. The only thing that gave me proof that I had the procedure was that I had soiled my self from the seizure. After this I spoke to someone who stated that this happened to her for the first thru the third and then on the fourth she started to have the memory loss, or more like confusion. So we will see what happens.

            So that was it for my day and how my first ECT went. From what I read and watched on YouTube it is not half as bad as I had expected. My next treatment is going to be on Monday and I am going to stay the weekend and return home after Monday. The rest are going to be on an out patient basis. I have six more scheduled. I just met with my Doctor who said that what the woman told me is somewhat correct that after the third one slight confusion wlll happen afterwards buy should not be anything like I am expecting. Until Next Time…

Is it in legal terms.

            It’s just after dinner and I decided to bring my computer out and check out my own Facebook to see what’s going on out in the real world. I have been pretty quiet most of the day and basically sleeping all day. Dealing with the confusion has drained me and just brought in more depression. What I can’t believe is the lack of compassion or understanding from the staff on this floor. The floor I am on is the Psychiatric floor of the local hospital. I turned on my computer and went to look at the Facebook that is linked to this blog and a nurse decided to look over my shoulder.

            The one nurse that did ask about the title of the last blog post and what happened. She tried to brush it off and told me that she looked and saw nothing about what was written. I tried to explain to her I met with my social worker who showed it to me during our meeting. One of the nurses who were in the intake overheard the nurse and I talking and piped up that it was being handled and that I needed to drop it. I explained that I was not the one who brought it up and she proceeded to tell me that it is being taken care of, that the situation has been taken care of that in fact everyone has been told about it, almost as if she was disciplined. She then told me to drop it and walked away before I could make any comment. It is almost like I rattled the cage and now I get snipped at.

            When I was in another local hospital the nurses acted that because I was in for a mental problem, in this case depression, treated everyone on the floor as second hand citizens. Now I can see that a few here can be the same why when they feel you are attacking on of them, the fault gets placed back on the one with a mental problem. Okay, what ever. You would think that a staff that should be trained in mental work would have some extra compassion and understanding. Walk up and explain a mistake was make and apologize over it and admit wrong. Try and understand that what that word does to a Survivor and how that persons mind reacts to the situation. Try and understand that what a person is going through and then to have that term mentioned. One nurse said she thought it read that I was forced to rape my sister at the hands of my father. First of all it was not my father, it was my brother.

            Forced to rape my sister, could it be that is what happened? Was I forced to rape my sister at the hands of my brother? I have always explained that my brother forced me to have intercourse with my sister, but is that defined as rape? Now I don’t know how or what to think now that this nurse made this comment. Because I did not put up a fight because I did not really know what we were doing did I willingly rape my sister at the direction of my brother? One thing for sure is I cannot go to any of these nurses and explain how I am feeling or what is going on. I have never felt so unsafe and so awkward in my life. I questioned so much, learned so much and if what happened when I was 8 years is considered rape to professionals then it changes everything that I am. Forced to rape my sister, at that age when we did not even know what the word sex was or even what we were doing. I am supposed to have my first ECT tomorrow and if it goes well I am going home either Friday night or Saturday morning. In fact I may go ask to sign out and request that I be able to come in the morning for my ECT, if all the rest can be done on an out patient why not the first one. I know they want to be able to watch me and how I react to the first procedure but I don’t know if I can trust the nurses to do their jobs correctly if they treat me this way. Maybe I am being over paranoid or is just the child in my wanting to run away but I do feel like going to my room and just staying in bed which is about what I am going to do.

            On that note I can’t wait for tomorrow to come and the first ECT done. I am going to discuss with the doctor about going home either tomorrow or first thing Saturday morning. I will say this and I would and could not do but for the first time I feel like standing in front of a train. Forced to rape my sister, now I am going to have to go look to see just what any definition says about rape. I am going to find out if these professional nurses are correct or not. Until Next Time….

Don't nurses know the difference between CSA and Rape?

            Last time I blogged I spoke about how my day of check in went which was on Tuesday December, 7^th and the first full day on the floor on Wednesday. What I did not write was that after I posted my blog I met with the social worker on the floor. She asked me pretty much the same questions however she read that the intake nurse put into her notes that I raped my sister. Say WHAT???

            During the intake process, after telling her about my CSA and how my brother forced my sister and I to engage in sexual intercourse she wrote that I raped my sister. All the abuse started with me raping my little sister. I have no idea how she could come up with this type of conclusion and she has or had no idea what that has done to me, how could a nurse on a mental ward not be able to understand what I was telling her or was she listening at all. Was this nurse so confused. I was not able to sleep a wink very well last night and oh did the nightmares creek into my sleep. What really bothers me is in order to get better results from the ECT, my doctor lowered by half my medication that was given to me to fight off the nightmares or terrors as I call them. My mind is racing, I am shaking were I can’t even type let alone spell these words correct. Thank god for spell check on the program I use prior to posting into the post section of the blog.

            This morning I forced myself out of bed about 9:00, washed and brushed my hair and then put on a new set of clothes on. I made my way down to what they call the day room and ate a little breakfast, returned to my bed and laid down again. Well, my Doctor called me down to meet with him and we discussed that I will start my first treatment of ECT on Friday at 7am. If everything goes as planned he said I could go home on Saturday but if there is any abnormal type of reaction I will stay as an impatient until my next ECT appointment on Monday, then I would go home on Tuesday. Basically the ECT that goes okay I will go home after and begin an outpatient regiment of Monday, Wednesday and Friday for the next two weeks. Seven treatments in all unless there seems to be a need for more, but we will cross that road when we get to it.

            I explained to my wife and social worker that although I will not do it, this saying I raped my own sister when all along I tried to protect her and sent my brains into scrambled eggs. I am in such a depression and have such a headache I cannot begin to tell you know it feels to be a survivor and something like that be written into your permanent medical records. I know my Social worker and My Doctor are going to put notes in that the statement is false it still bothers me that the fact this note even exists in my records is something I am having a problem dealing with or handling. My wife called the Doctors office who called him while he and I were in conference this morning and she stated she is going to call the hospital administrator which I what I would have done if the phones were more private and I could discuss what happened and what it has done to me.

            I am going to lay down and try and relax, all my tests that were taken yesterday came back okay and a medical doctor is going to be seeing me this after noon for approval and then my Doctor will be in again tonight to see how I am doing prior to the ECT. Just based on this Rape thing I am ready to leave today but know I need to do this for me and my family. I will let you know what happens later in the day if anything changes between now and then. Until Next Time…

In the hospital for long awaited ECT.

            It has been a couple days since I have blogged, and I just wanted to explain why I have not been on. I have finally been admitted to the hospital to start my ECT treatments that I have been waiting for. The amount of depression that I have been writing about over the last two months just has become so overwhelming that I have kept pushing for this because the amount of medications I am on has not cutting it for me. Yesterday on my daughters ninth birthday, they found a bed and I took advantage of it.

            Checking in was just like checking into any normal hospital for an expected procedure with questions of past and history. They took all my vitals and given a tour of the floor where everything is located, given a room and allowed to settle in. I ended up going to sleep about 9pm and woke up beginning at 9am. I was woke up for blood work and fell right back to sleep, several minuets I was woken for a chest and spinal e-ray which again came back and fell a sleep, same with the CAT Scan and EKG. I finally woke and got about of bed about 5:30 today, after eighteen and a half hours of sleep I actually attended a group on Stress Management and ate a little bit of my dinner. I know that I was depressed again, and I told my wife when she dropped me off that I was scared because for some reason I did not feel safe and was stepping out of my comfort zone. All my prior hospital stays I was on the ward and was always locked in, the same with this floor I am locked in however I do not feel the sense of security as I did before. The shakes and feeling of emptiness are pretty strong and I cannot explain any of these.

            I finished all the tests that are needed for the ECT so I am not sure if it will be started on Thursday or Friday, they are hoping to do at least two sessions before allowing me to be released to make sure my body and mind can handle the sessions. After the two are completed I will continue to have treatments on an outpatient basis and currently there is no amount of treatments or and end date in mind yet. The only thing that I am scared about is the loss of memory that comes as a side effect from ECT. They said it should last at most two hours but after research it could last up to two days. That is what I am afraid of the most. But what I have been afraid about I am about to find.

            They only allow me an hour on the computer, so this entry is going to be short. I do plan on using the other moments I have to type up a draft or maybe even a poem or two on what’s going on here and with my mind. I hope That everything will work out and sure goes the way I hope it to be. Until Next Time..

I was abused, but what about my family?

            I was abused! In order to start to heal I need to admit what happened in my past was real and was not my fault. I will heal from this! In order to heal I have to set a goal and remind myself daily that I am going to reach this goal. I will be there for you during my recovery! I need to promise, no I mean comfort you, wait I mean tell you… I am hurting so bad that it is so hard to be there for you when you need me. That sounds more like what needs to be said when the realization of Child Abuse comes out as if you were just hit a brick wall, during a foot race in the middle of the night, out in the country where there are no street lights. It never happens when your expecting it or ready for it to come out and the news hits you harder then learning a parent has passed away, at least you can understand why they passed away, but not that the inner child in you was killed and you forgot all about it when you realize that it now explains how you have been living your life.

            So how do you tell the people you love so much that learning about this is not going to change a thing or the person that you are? When it first hits, you really have no idea what type of road your about to embark on and no two people have the exact same path. My path included Sexual, Physical and Mental abuse as a child but the biggest realization was that not only physically abused mostly at the hands of my mother, but the fact that she was aware of the Sexual Abuse by my brother and did nothing about it. Standing there looking at the path I was going to be headed down looked like the haunted woods out of a horror movie where it is dark, the trees all look like hands ready to grab you and the sounds of coyotes can be heard in the distance. One of the problems from this, with every flashback, nightmare, and memory the path was really starting to look this way. Major Depression sets in which feels as if a Black Hole appeared inside of your body that won’t allow anything to pass it, sucking in feelings, thoughts, dreams and basically anything that has to do with being the person that you are. Your whole life changes, just as the Black Hole appears so does a new Star giving off new feelings that you’re not ready to feel or know how to express. Anger, feelings of helplessness, despair, so bad that some reactions could be so painful, that the taking of ones life becomes the only option they feel they have.

            When this all hits, and most times it hits all at once as mine did, it brings a person to the point where it affects family and friends in ways that one cannot imagine. I know I have blogged before about missing concerts, dinners, church and other events of the family, but what about their feelings? What about their real inner feelings like fear of the unknown because they have no idea what is going on. What about their own feeling of helplessness that they feel because as much as they love you, they were always there for you if you got hurt or upset and now they have no idea to react towards you. If they ask a question, will they set off a flashback that will cause you to withdrawal and hide away from anyone? What happens when one child yells at another child as kids do and it reminds you of your own childhood that can bring on a flashback or trigger depression that is so deep that it just feels like the end of the world is near? What happens when your loved one comes to you in need of something and because of the depression, which takes away all your energy, all you ever tell them is you can’t right now or it’s not a good time and the now and time never comes around.

            Throughout my blog I have talked about things my children have said in comments to me out of anger and other things that I cannot do like I used to do. To the family it becomes like living with a zombie, always depressed and always feeling so very low. The children see this and wonder if daddy will ever be able to play with them again, they start to question how they should act and treat you. My oldest daughter did research on PTSD in her child psychology class and talks to me as a child, which sometimes makes me feel better, or explains to my wife some of the things I do because it’s just what she studied about in children. My wife tries to understand that why I spend most of my time sleeping or sitting around looking like such a lost puppy. She attends all my counseling appointments and understands that the medications that I am on is not helping and this is the reason they are discussing and waiting to start ECT in hopes to stop the depression, but understanding and dealing with it is two separate things. Just as I know that I am not going to get hurt again, yet the fears are so strong that I became agoraphobic afraid to leave the house. What’s really weird is that I am suffering from my abuse as a child, dealing with so much information and becoming more and more depressed and my family is suffering from a loss of the father they knew, having to deal with so many ups and downs and becoming so depressed because they can’t do anything to help. Why do I say weird, because when I am having bad days do you think that this even crosses my mind? And when it does cross my mind it adds to the suffering because it is something that is so hard to change and I realize that as time goes on I am loosing time with my family that should becoming great memories, but the loss of the memory that I am having I can’t remember yesterdays happenings let alone the last nine months.

            Basically PTSD DID and Major Depression does not just hit the person who experiences the trauma but seriously impacts the lives of the people who love us the most. They watch their father go from smiling, joking around all the time to frowning and living in what seems to be my own little world. It hurts even more that as much as I try I just can’t seem to get out of this slump; even the medications just don’t seem to fit the correct bill to bring me back. Many stories I read tell of broken homes, lost families and bottoming out without really being in control of what happened. I discussed this with my own counselor and she suggested that Family Counseling should be used yet if one has a problem dealing with life how are they to deal with the losing of family along with ones mind. The whole situation becomes so difficult at times that one does not feel like healing is possible without a cost. Almost makes taking the path to recovery less attractive so that you do not hurt your family yet by not taking the path only hurts your family more because you hide the truth and that is going to come out in other ways such as anger. It often causes the most unthinkable in my own opinion because when anger takes over, the fighting over the littlest things become an everyday event which as we can’t admit will affect children for the rest of their own lives. What they start to see places fears in them, they will blame themselves, they will begin to change their own lives over seeing what is going on and out of their own anger will often say things they do not mean, like what my daughter already has done. And the stress that is placed on a marriage is so enormous because what used to be a couple is now one taking care of the other which only places more resentment because even though the wedding vows say for better or for worse, living with someone who suffers with this places so much burden on them that they wish to seek to get away for breaks when most times they can’t and that breeds resentment in the marriage, bottom line it is a vicious circle.

            The Biggest bottom line is that everyone needs to trust their family members and continue to allow them into our lives. When you have a flashback don’t be afraid to share it with your wife, she may not like it or be able to deal with it but she will begin to understand what your going through. It is going to be very hard to answer the questions that she has but by answering them will make you more comfortable in opening up to her and she will learn how to hold you and love you even more because she will start to fully understand what you are going through. Take your loved one on a session or two, her input just may help you recover because she sees you from the outside and often two views help counselors find that right treatment plan and can give you homework on getting better that might even include your loved one taking some of the stress off you because you now have a team 24/7 to help walk the path with you. It’s may or may not make the recovery any easier or faster but it will make it a recovery that you won’t have to reach on your own. Trust in your vows; trust in your family and most of all trust in yourself because you’re going to reach your goal. Most of all, it’s going to help you find ways to deal with things that you feel you need to deal with on your own. Until Next Time….

How can you fight Memory Loss.

        Many times while writing in this blog my mind becomes so empty or I forget the topic I wanted to write about it just makes me mad. Today for example, I heard a song and thought, that’s a great topic to write about and tell how it affects me as a survivor, but do you think I can remember the song? They tell me that memory loss is related to severe depression and if that is true then I really need to come out of it really soon before I totally loose my memory for good. It’s weird to start a sentence and stop forgetting that you were even talking let alone what you were talking about. Some time back I mentioned how I forget my way home and don’t recognize where I am at let alone forget the things I have done.

        The mind is truly amazing in so many ways, it holds all our thoughts and memories while controlling out bodies all at the same time. The past which we live are memories that we often can look back on almost on demand like being in a conversation and remember doing the same thing as the topic even as the topic changes. As survivors of Child Abuse our minds had a way of taking these memories and tucking them into a certain spot of our brain keeping the traumatic events away from the front of our mind until our mind felt that we are ready to deal with all the images and facts of the hidden past. I have no idea how the mind decides when the time is right or feels that we are in a position to start remembering the past but when it does it can release images (referred to as flashbacks) or flood us with images, dreams and thoughts causing severe depression, suicidal thoughts or acts, self harming and many other reactions that in fact we cannot handle.

            On the day we brought our first child home I was hit with fears and some memories of my abuse. I took therapy for a couple years and although I continued to have fears I stopped going but it never kept me out of work or from the activities that I did. When my brother abused his son and I helped the police in their investigation giving a testimony about my Sexual Abuse at the hands of my brother and I ended up back into therapy after my mind released more memories of my past which I revealed to the officer. Again I was affected, took counseling and was not out of work or stopped activities in my life. In both situations I was not afraid to leave the house, not afraid of people around me; in fact I continued to live what I felt was a normal life. The third time was no charm, because this time I wasn't telling anyone anything, I was not afraid to handle my children, in fact I had no idea what was about to happen during a simple medical procedure that was so normal and widely used on thousands of people daily I am sure except this time thet procedure was performed on a survivor. The simple act of placing a rubber band on a single hemorrhoid not only would cause me to walk three days feeling that same exact feeling of when I was raped, but would have a major affect on my brain and my life. Major depression sat in after going through just about every flashback I could have, dreams turned into night terrors and I actually started to have suicidal ideation visions which in my state of depression I was so afraid I would act on them so I was checked into the hospital and spent seventeen days working on what was going on.

            Prior to the floodgates opening I had been on meds for slight depression and mood changes that did come about after the first memories when we brought our daughter home. After the flood I was on very strong medications at some of the highest dosages as they tried to bring my depression down to a more manageable range yet this time it seemed that all the meds they tried on me did not work. When they finally found the perfect cocktail that worked they released me to go home, except this time I ended up on disability not going to work. Since then, they have added new meds, changed meds and have tried many different methods to stop my downward spiral I was on. Nothing seems to be working which is why ECT is now the next option. I have heard many good and bad things about this procedure and I will be honest I am somewhat afraid of how it will turn out once I start the treatments. I am the type of person who likes to research everything and one thing that I found about Major depression is that the mind is actually affected in a physical way as scans have showed where a certain part of the brain will actually become smaller but I have not been able to see if ECT changes any of this in any way. Another factor I have is the Disassociation Identify Disorder and how it will affect the alters I have as they have been filling gaps in my memory from my past. I actually learned a ton of information from them and this explained many questions I had, and not just information but information that included memories and images where I actually believe they are there and in someway are a part of me. I also feel that these alters protect me when a severe flashback occurs or when I am in counseling which is where they come forward the most. When they do come forward I have no memory of what they said but I am told it is during this switching that most of my information about my abuse is revealed.  

            I am not sure if the memory loss that I am experiencing are my alters switching back and forth at time, the medication that I am on is causing it or if it is just plain a symptom of Major Depression which I am told. What I can tell you, is that the more it happens the more upset I am becoming almost to the point getting really angry. I am fumbling words, loosing thoughts, forgetting appointments and my short term memory is really poor. Traveling this road I am on to recovery is proving to be a very hard one to travel and is getting old. I know I need to heal but I am not sure my body is working with my mind to reach this goal. Just as in the beginning I explained to my doctors it was like my mind knew what was going on and I was aware of things but my inner child (Alters) reacted in a different fashion causing confusion inside. Confusion that today is still holding me back just as I am able to blog about certain things and come somewhat close to having something good to read yet I am unable my self to follow what it is I am typing. Imagine your goal will help you reach it, do you think I am able to do this? I am lucky if I can picture what I will be doing in the next hour. Dealing with Major Depression combined with PTSD I have said is to me the most difficult things I have ever had to deal with, if you can say I am dealing with it at all, food for thought. Until Next Time…

Child Abuse, a disease with a history.



For more than 100 years Haut de la Garenne
 had been a center of child abuse

Child Abuse is a disease that is running ramped across the United States about as fast as Head Lice and is kept just as quiet. School officials are now trained to look for signs of abuse on a child just like a school nurse is trained to look for Head Lice in children attending school. If a child is found to have Head Lice a notice is sent home to notify parents, however parents don’t discuss this with friends and family because of the myth that Head Lice is considered to be a sign of being dirty. Abuse is the same now, as the news reports almost on a daily or weekly of someone who has been caught and arrested. Letters are sent home every time a sex offender moves into any school district informing parents (At least here in NY) a general location where this person is living.

        This is a good practice and it shows just how many pedophiles are out there but it is not a deterrent to stop them from preying on our children. Back when I was abused there was no checking children, in fact in my medical records when my personality changed such as withdrawing, becoming agitated and disruptive, and not following directions I was sent to the doctor and tested for hyperactivity. There was no checking to see the bruises that were on my body and when I sat against the wall during play time alone, I was not asked why I would not play. So looking at growing up in the 70’s compared to today’s society we truly have come along way in making the world aware of Child Abuse. Children are now speaking up, they are being honest about life at home and they are opening up to friends who help them break away by telling their own parents when the child might still be afraid to speak. We have come long way, but we have still have a long way to go before abuse becomes no more.

            Thinking about this today I did a little research on the history of Child Abuse after knowing that in the 70’s it was not a widely known epidemic, and hearing stories that prior to that it happened yet was taboo to tell anyone what happened in the house behind closed doors. What I found shocked me on just how Child Abuse was not only happening but was also accepted in the world. Historically, the routine use of children as poison containers to prevent adults from feeling overwhelmed by their anxieties had also been universal. Examples from the history of childhood regularly reveal children are expected to "absorb" the bad feelings of their caretakers. As one peasant community in rural Greece puts it, you must have children around to put your bad feelings into, especially when the "Bad Hour" comes around. An informant describes the process as follows; one of the ways for the Bad Hour to occur is when you get angry. When you're angry a demon gets inside of you. Only if a pure individual passes by, like a child for instance, will the "bad" leave you, for it will fall on the unpolluted. Newborn infants, in particular, were perfect poison containers because they were so "unpolluted." The newborn then became so full of the parent's projections that even if he or she is allowed to live (up to half the children in early societies were murdered at birth), the infant had to be tied up--tightly swaddled in bandages for up to a year or more---to prevent it from "tearing its ears off, scratching its eyes out, breaking its legs, or touching its genitals," i.e., to prevent it from acting out the violent and sexual projections of the parents. Most early states practiced child sacrifice. Typical was Carthage, where a large cemetery has been discovered called The Tophet filled with over 20,000 urns deposited there between 400 and 200 B.C. The urns contained bones of children sacrificed by their parents, who often would make a vow to kill their next child if the gods would grant them a favor--for instance, if their shipment of goods were to arrive safely in a foreign port.

            By the thirteenth century in the West, abandonment via oblation, or the giving of young children to monasteries for sexual and other uses, had ended, and the first disapproval of pedophilia appeared. The first childrearing tracts were published and some advanced parents began to practice what has been termed the ambivalent mode of childrearing, where the child was not born completely evil, but was seen as being still full of enough dangerous projections so that the parent, whose task it was to mold it, must beat it into shape like clay. Church moralists for the first time began to warn against sexual molestation of children by parents, nurses and neighbors. Pediatrics and educational philosophy were born, parents of means began suggesting that perhaps rather than sending their infants out to be wet nursed in some peasant village--and thereby condemning over half of them to early death--the mother might herself nurse her infant. The baby, said some mothers who began to try nursing their own babies, even responded to this care by giving love back to the nursing mother, stroking her breast and face and cooing. And if the father, as often happened, complained that his wife's breast belonged to him not the baby, these bold new mothers suggested that the father should be allowed to hold the baby too. These childhood reforms immediately preceded and thereby produced the humanistic, religious and political revolutions we associate with early modern times. Prior to this, children were masturbated by adults and even licked on their bodies as though they were substitute breasts. For instance, Little Louis XIII, in 1603, was described by his pediatrician as having his penis and breasts kissed by everyone in the court, and his parents would regularly make him part of sexual intercourse in the royal bed. But childrearing reformers beginning in the eighteenth century began to try to bring this open sexual abuse under control, only it was the child who was now punished for touching his or her genitals, under threat of circumcision, clitoridectomy, infibulation and various cages and other genital restraint devices. These terrorizing warnings and surgical interventions only began to die out at the end of the nineteenth century, after two hundred years of brutal and totally unnecessary assault on children's bodies and psyches for touching themselves. Despite the reformers' efforts, progress was so uneven that one British journalist wrote in 1924 that "cases of incest are terribly common in all classes. [Usually] the criminal goes unpunished. Two men coming out from [an incest] trial were overheard saying to a woman who deplored there had been no conviction, what nonsense! Men should not be punished for a thing like that. It doesn't harm the child.'" By the nineteenth century's socializing mode, some parents no longer needed to terrorize, beat and sexually seduce their children, and more gentle psychological means began to be used to "socialize" the child. The socializing mode is still the main model of upbringing in Western nations, featuring the mother as trainer and the father as provider and protector, and the child is seen as slowly being made to conform to the parents' model of goodness.

            Changing childhood is a communal task. And it works. In 1979, Sweden passed a law saying that hitting children was as unlawful as hitting adults. Imagine that, children were people, just like adults. Parents who hit their children weren't put into jail--that would just deprive the children of their caretakers. Instead parents were taught how to bring up children without hitting them. And at the same time, high school students were taught how to bring up children without violence. Twenty years later after this passage, these high school students had their own children, and no surprise they don't hit them. To those who object to the cost of communities helping all parents, we can only reply: Can we afford not to teach parenting? What more important task can we devote our resources to? Do we really want to have massive armies and jails and emotionally crippled adults forever? Must each generation continue to torture and neglect its children so they repeat the violence and economic exploitation of previous generations? Why not achieve meaningful political and social revolution by first achieving a parenting revolution? If war, social violence, class domination and economic destruction of wealth are really revenge rituals for childhood trauma, how else can we remove the source of these rituals? How else can we end child abuse and neglect? How else increase the real wealth of nations, our next generation? How else achieve a world of love and laughter of which we are truly capable? Our task now must be to create an entirely new profession of "child helpers" who can reach out to every new child born on earth and help its parents give it love and independence. I was very amazed at the information that is out there and it appears we have our work cut out for us. Until Next Time…

Most information taken from http://www.psychohistory.com/htm/05_history.html
Photo taken from http://www.highstrangeness.tv/articles/jerseydevils.php