Road to Recovery: My own thoughts along my path.

    Today I had a meeting with a group of people of a department I am looking to work with. In this meeting we discussed a lot of issues and topics, one of which was my PTSD which raised a few questions which of course the first one was if I was in the Military or not. Of course within recent years due to the amount of wars we have taken part in, the country is becoming more aware of  the term and is becoming a more recognized mental illness in our community today.      What really surprised me, and almost angered me, is the lack of real knowledge of just what PTSD is and how it can and does effect a person. There almost was a sense of fear in the conversation as if they needed to walk on egg shells. Now this was not a job interview so it was not like anything was off key however questions were asked and it was really evident that the questions asked and the manor they were asked in really showed just how uneducated they were, almost to the poin...

     I previously blogged about walls that someone who has been abused will build inside their mind to protect themselves from further abuse and to hind behind from the abuse they have endured. These walls can sometimes be so strong that even the closest of family members or loved ones have great difficulty even getting a chance to peek beyond them for a chance to understand or to strengthen the bond one currently has with a person who has been abused.      For someone who has built these walls, even for them they find it very hard to ever let someone in fully. Often friendships and relationships are gripped with mistrust, skepticism and fear which is well hidden from the one whom the person is attached to. Although these issues are not the intention, they are a natural protection that comes from these walls and serve as the main source of stability in ones mind and life. For a loved one who has to deal with someone who has these walls, str...

    My previous blog post talked a lot about what has happened to me over the course of the last two years. Obviously there was a ton of details and specific actions in the blog that was left out only because the post could have almost turned into a small book had I truly started from the beginning and wrote about events until that blog was posted.      But what that post does bring to the forefront is what every person who suffers from any type of mental or physical abuse trauma and that is the fear of being abused again. While the actual event of the trauma weighs heavy on the mind and soul of a person, the fears of reoccurring abuse is what brings on the stress associated with that specific trauma. It's within this stress that the body reacts and takes on a defensive in different forms which could include phobias, terrors in dreams, panic attacks and many other reactions that effect everyday normal living. It is dealing with these that one su...

Yes, it has been almost a month since I have posted into my blog. It's not that I have not had enough to say but rather it has not been easy to get out into words. It has been a little over a month since my sixteen day hospital stay and I have lost count on how many ECT's I have had. I was at three a week, then down to two a week and now I am at once a week for what they call maintenance. I still cannot tell you what effect these treatments have had on me as of yet, and I am not sure what path I am truly walking down with these. What I do know is that my short term memory has been severally affected by them. I forget conversations, things I have talked about, things I have done and often even names and dates of things. It really is frustrating to go thru this because I know I am having problems bringing things to the front of my mind and no matter how much or how hard I think about it, I just cannot do it. It almost causes a headache trying to think as hard as I do because I k...

            First off, I would like to acknowledge the webpage Malesurvivor.org for helping me through the issue of the Social Worker and my hospital stay the past couple of weeks. The support from members helped me realize that it was only one person’s view that does not know the whole story and really had no basis to even make such a comment. Also, based on HIPPA laws no one is really going to have access to these records and the fact that my Sister was aware and even voiced her dissatisfaction only confirmed in my mind that she was way off base and I am starting to realize that it shows some people still need to be educated on Child Sexual Abuse, especially when it involves family members.             While reading some of the responses on the page in reference to my problem I came across one members blog who wrote about the view of some people and their comments “Boys will ...

            Last time I blogged I spoke about how my day of check in went which was on Tuesday December, 7 th and the first full day on the floor on Wednesday. What I did not write was that after I posted my blog I met with the social worker on the floor. She asked me pretty much the same questions however she read that the intake nurse put into her notes that I raped my sister. Say WHAT???             During the intake process, after telling her about my CSA and how my brother forced my sister and I to engage in sexual intercourse she wrote that I raped my sister. All the abuse started with me raping my little sister. I have no idea how she could come up with this type of conclusion and she has or had no idea what that has done to me, how could a nurse on a mental ward not be able to understand what I was telling her or was she listening at all. Was this nurse so confus...

            Today while looking into the mirror, I looked deep into my own eyes and thought about the old proverb that says, “Eyes are the window to the soul” which happened to be traced back to somewhere between 58 and 68 AD. This very saying has been said a million times or more for many different reasons, even in most of my prior counseling sessions this phrase was mentioned. As I stood there looking deep into my own eyes, the only thing I was able to see was darkness without any emotions. That is when I began to wonder, how do others view me when they look into my eyes. This actually got into thinking what do people really see, and how is it that I can attract people who at some point in their lives have been abused and find it very comfortable to talk to me. Of course a lot of these are triggers into my own abuse however in some way speaking with them made these triggers a bit different ...

            For the past month, I have been sharing parts of my past, present and thoughts. It has been a hard month as it has been over the past nine months when this volcano erupted causing a massive flux of memories. I have learned many things on my road to recovery but the one thing I have learned is that what I have done during these nine months is not what someone should do. I gave up friends, I deleted everyone from my Facebook, refused to talk to people on the phone and let emails go unanswered. Just as the beetles sang "you get by with a little help from your friends" I found that the most important things in surviving are friends and family. My family here, my sister in Florida , friends from work and groups such as MaleSurvivor.org and Betrayed Boys where meeting other people who share a past in more ways then one. Sure, it’s not like sharing your favorite color, or car, or ice cream but a past that was created at t...

            I started this blog several weeks ago with the intention of keeping a daily account of my feelings, thoughts and how I am progressing in my healing. While I know it is normal to have flashbacks and all that, it seems that all I have been posting are things that I remember about my past. Yes, this does involve my past however I don’t write about what I do, how I spend my day as someone who has PTDS and DID. This I need to do more often, and if there is something that happens like a flashback not to focus so much on what the flashback was but to focus on what I can learn from it and use it to better understand who I am. What I need to do is to go ahead and tell what the flashback was about, how I stayed grounded, what I did to move on from that flashback and how I was able to keep my alters contained without them coming out but rather let them know that it is okay and that today is not yesterday. So here is going to be my ...

           What you are about to read is something that is real, it is not fake and things have not been added to this story. This is one of my abusers that took advantage of me a couple of years after my brother first started his sexual abuse on my sister and me. Here is my story: It was only four days after Christmas when my birthday arrived. Growing up in the military as an Air Force brat, my tenth birthday was the one I had waited for as long as a nine year old could.   You see, when you’re a son or daughter of a parent who is in the military it is the first time you get to receive your first military dependant identification card. Being a military brat, as children of service people are called, turning ten was just as if not more important as turning sixteen. Just like four days prior, I could not sleep that night and was ready to jump out of bed at the first sign of light as it peeked through by my bedroom...

            Tonight’s blog is going to be about my feelings, the topic is going to be off base from my own healing and the road I am on to recovery for another topic that has me very angry. It is on the topic of Child Sexual Abuse and the changes that are going on in this country. These are going to be my thoughts because right now I am so angry and bitter that I don’t think I can even think about my own abuse except for the fact I want to run out and protect every child I see.            If you subscribe to any child abuse web page, follow Twitter or Facebook you might have heard the news that Amazon online book store is now offering and online book called “ The Pedophile's Guide to Love and Pleasure”. I can’t believe that there can be any kind of book written like this by someone let alone a company that would actually sell this. The story is being covered by all the major networ...