ECT and Memory

Yes, it has been almost a month since I have posted into my blog. It's not that I have not had enough to say but rather it has not been easy to get out into words. It has been a little over a month since my sixteen day hospital stay and I have lost count on how many ECT's I have had. I was at three a week, then down to two a week and now I am at once a week for what they call maintenance.

I still cannot tell you what effect these treatments have had on me as of yet, and I am not sure what path I am truly walking down with these. What I do know is that my short term memory has been severally affected by them. I forget conversations, things I have talked about, things I have done and often even names and dates of things. It really is frustrating to go thru this because I know I am having problems bringing things to the front of my mind and no matter how much or how hard I think about it, I just cannot do it. It almost causes a headache trying to think as hard as I do because I know I know the answer, I just can't say it. I am no longer afraid of this procedure like I was in the beginning, just as I am no longer afraid to be put out. They have all come to know me by name at the hospital, just as I am getting to know them very well. They know just what works and what does not work, for example to ambulate me they find it better to use a nasal tube for breathing. It's just that the next time I go I will have to let them know I have a nasal bleed for hours after because I think they used a different size this time and boy could I tell.

Depression, how has that been affected now that I have been on ECT for so long? I must say that my depression has not been as deep for so many days straight as before, however I did have a night where I did bottom out. Just as tonight my mood is somewhat somber, one night last week I was skimming the bottom of the barrel. It did not matter if I was alive or not, it did not matter if I was awake or not, as far as I was concerned life did not matter and I did not care if I was going along on the ride or not. And the one thing I did find out is that my moods are still in somewhat control by my alters. I don't find it as easy to recognize who is present as I used to however they are present just the same and just as strong. I still find myself acting and reacting like a child as I did before ECT started, and still in some of the same situations. Every once and a while I find myself looking back beyond the abuse and wishing things were different just as I always do and did.

Yesterday a dear friend’s mother past away and it took me back to when my mother passed. I sat thinking about how my mourning was over shadowed by things my mother had done just prior and what she had left behind. Basically everything was a confirmation on how I thought she felt, and just how much it was going to extend past the grave into my life. Even today as I try not to think about it, I can’t help but reflect on where I stand in the world today where my family is concerned. It still hurts to think about the pain I felt growing up and then becoming the black sheep. It hurts to have everything happen the way it did in her passing and even now to look back and realize it was never me. I can’t help but sometimes feel now the pain, even though it has been years, I have talked about it, I have written about it and even cried over it. I often wonder if I will ever get over it or learn to deal with it. I almost feel as if I am going backwards in my healing at times because the thoughts and feelings come out so strong again. Like I said, just last week it hit me again so hard that I was to the point where I did not care. And to be in a position where bringing it up makes me feel even worse because people do not understand how it can be coming up again with the same feelings as before. How many times does one have to talk about the past before it becomes just that, the past without any feelings attached to it? I sure cannot wait till this happens because I am getting sick of the depressing moods again over and over again.

Well, I am going to cut this post short. I know I need to start writing again and putting things out just as I had been doing. Doing this blog was helping in my progress and it was a way to vent my feelings without holding them in just as I have been doing over the last several weeks. I will be back and I will continue to write, so until next time….