Well a full week has passed and today I had my fourth ECT this morning. I understand that it was a good treatment with some good muscle movement which means that the stimulation is getting to the right levels. I am going to ask what the settings they have been using because this morning the Doctor said he was going to get a little more aggressive and turned the machine to 45. I doubt they go by volts but rather joules like on an AED machine so I wonder what the 45 means and what they were before.
Another thing I was advised is that once a note is written into notes in your medical record, it can never be removed. I learned this after a Counselor came to me to go over my treatment plan which after she handed to me to review. The first paragraph was written that I was forced to rape my sister while my father watched; I became so angry because not only did several nurses tell me that this was not true, but that the doctor called to have this removed from the records. This was two days ago, and since this plan was printed this morning and read to me the same day it provides proof that not only was I lied to about the content of my medical records but also the fact that these were to be stricken from my records. I pulled my social worker aside to readdress this and she then advised me that once the assessment is placed into records is cannot be removed and that there really was nothing they could do. She did put a note in the bottom that the paragraph was incorrect and said it was something that I must have said in order for it to be in the records. There is nothing further from the truth when it comes to that because I have never used that word or any word like it to describe what my brother forced us to do. Funny, I was told that word is used anytime there is non consensual sex. Ok, so are telling me that my sister did not consent to it so I raped her, so is it that I did not consent my sister raped me. Is it that because I do not consent to the notes in my records and they refuse to fix it can I call what the hospital is doing to my mental state rape because of what they are taking away from me. It is unreal how the professional world acts and uses such universal terms to describe such delicate situations.
Well, I do hate to report that after four treatments my depression has not decreased as of yet. Just last night I sat in the corner of the TV room just staring out the window. It is very hard to be locked up on a mental ward of a hospital because of depression and PTSD and while trying to heal with all the ECT treatments and staff not having one bit of compassion towards a victim and what it has done to ones mental process. I truly wonder if the whole situation could actually have a negative impact to what treatments I am having or if they will not affect them at all. I know once I read the report the anger, bitterness and depression set right in. I am concerned that the symptoms are getting worse by a few of the hospital staff while the doctor tries his best to help correct what is going on. It's a battle within me fueled by those who are now around me, and truth be told I am kind of nervous about it.
For now this is about all I am able to write because of the anger and depression I am having at the moment. It is time for me to go lie down and try and get some rest. I hope that I can sit down later and journal a little bit more about my feelings and how they are affecting me inpatient in the hospital as well as what my feelings are about the future in my current state of mind. Until Next Time..