The hospital states "Can't Change Notes"

            Well a full week has passed and today I had my fourth ECT this morning. I understand that it was a good treatment with some good muscle movement which means that the stimulation is getting to the right levels. I am going to ask what the settings they have been using because this morning the Doctor said he was going to get a little more aggressive and turned the machine to 45. I doubt they go by volts but rather joules like on an AED machine so I wonder what the 45 means and what they were before.

            Another thing I was advised is that once a note is written into notes in your medical record, it can never be removed. I learned this after a Counselor came to me to go over my treatment plan which after she handed to me to review. The first paragraph was written that I was forced to rape my sister while my father watched; I became so angry because not only did several nurses tell me that this was not true, but that the doctor called to have this removed from the records. This was two days ago, and since this plan was printed this morning and read to me the same day it provides proof that not only was I lied to about the content of my medical records but also the fact that these were to be stricken from my records. I pulled my social worker aside to readdress this and she then advised me that once the assessment is placed into records is cannot be removed and that there really was nothing they could do. She did put a note in the bottom that the paragraph was incorrect and said it was something that I must have said in order for it to be in the records. There is nothing further from the truth when it comes to that because I have never used that word or any word like it to describe what my brother forced us to do.  Funny, I was told that word is used anytime there is non consensual sex. Ok, so are telling me that my sister did not consent to it so I raped her, so is it that I did not consent my sister raped me. Is it that because I do not consent to the notes in my records and they refuse to fix it can I call what the hospital is doing to my mental state rape because of what they are taking away from me. It is unreal how the professional world acts and uses such universal terms to describe such delicate situations.

            Well, I do hate to report that after four treatments my depression has not decreased as of yet. Just last night I sat in the corner of the TV room just staring out the window. It is very hard to be locked up on a mental ward of a hospital because of depression and PTSD and while trying to heal with all the ECT treatments and staff not having one bit of compassion towards a victim and what it has done to ones mental process. I truly wonder if the whole situation could actually have a negative impact to what treatments I am having or if they will not affect them at all. I know once I read the report the anger, bitterness and depression set right in. I am concerned that the symptoms are getting worse by a few of the hospital staff while the doctor tries his best to help correct what is going on. It's a battle within me fueled by those who are now around me, and truth be told I am kind of nervous about it.

            For now this is about all I am able to write because of the anger and depression I am having at the moment. It is time for me to go lie down and try and get some rest. I hope that I can sit down later and journal a little bit more about my feelings and how they are affecting me inpatient in the hospital as well as what my feelings are about the future in my current state of mind. Until Next Time..

Thinking of things frozen in time.

            I have found the reason for my depression yesterday and the same depression I am feeling today. In order for the ECT to work they have to take me off one of the mood stabilizers that I am on, which happens to be the same medication given to people who have seizures. This medication would cause a problem with the ECT as it causes seizures as the electric shocks trigger the brain. And just like the AED’s that are used when a person is having a heart attack by blocking the natural electricity to the heart, this is used to change the way that the electrodes pass through the brain that causes depression.

            So as you can tell, today is another depressing day which happens a lot. I do also believe it is the lowered meds and having to be in the hospital for this has me doing a whole lot of thinking which for me is never good. I seem to be sitting here looking back over the last several years of my life and just how my past has affected me and my relationship with people, work and other things that I have done. Being in the hospital where they only have 3 activities a day each lasting about twenty minutes each leaves too much time for thinking. It leaves a lot of time to think about how some aspects of my life moved on while others seem frozen in time, waiting to me melted free.

            Tomorrow is going to be day number three for ECT treatments. So far the only after product that I come upstairs is with a headache. They tell me that loss of memory will also accompany these treatments but I am not sure if I will see this as noticeable as my short term memory is already effected by either the medications I am on or if it has to do with the trauma and the realization that has caused my mind to slowly drift. I only hope and pray that they come back and sooner then later because there is so much I have lost and so much more I can loose.

            Well, today’s post is going to be the shortest on here so far. I have slept most of the day and continue to be tired. Remember, the one thing I do is sleep it away rather then do anything stupid when I am feeling this low. I sort of wish that I could get my ECT treatments every day to speed this up, however I know this is not going to happen. I also hope I am out on the 22^nd of December as my daughter takes her road test, however I have an ECT scheduled for 7:00 am that morning and by the time 2:00 PM rolls around I will still be sleepy from the knock out medications that they give me to put me to sleep. My doctor did tell me that If I am able to go home right after a procedure I can expect to go home after 11:00 AM. So if I do get a ride home I can always ride with her to her test which will be sweet. Well, like I said going to make this a short one. Until Next Time…

Another Depressing Day

            Sometimes life brings new challenges and other days it just brings what it brings. When we wake for the day we never know what the day has in store for us and it changes every step we take, every turn of the corner. Depression is the same way; you never know when it will hit and just how heavy it will bring you down when it does. One thing I wish that I could predict when it will hit so that I can let people ahead of time.

            I planned on blogging last night, however I was trying to figure things out and lost time around the usual blogging time. By the time I realized that I needed to get my computer, they closed the day room here in the hospital. Last night was another hard night as for some reason I hit a bottom of depression, and as always it just came on for no reason at all. I ended up going to bed a little after 3 AM and kind of laid there for a little while before falling asleep. They came into my room about 6:30 AM to get me ready for my second ECT which went well. The only thing I came up with was a slight headache. When I came up I laid down and was out till about 1 PM. I am not sure but they increased the amount of knock out drug from 80mg to 100mg and aside from lack of sleep I was still drugged up getting back to the room. I then came down to day room for lunch, and that was pretty good.

            Today again I am depressed again, it always seems like depression is all I feel. Course then again I did not receive my night meds last night and no meds this morning, maybe that has something to do with it I don’t know. Then again, I don’t know much anymore about my treatments and road of recovery I am on. The doctor said that I am going to receive eight treatments and wanted to go back to the original plan of me being in the hospital for a week and a half so he wants me to stay in until the 22^nd just three days before Christmas. I feel really bad because I called my wife who I could tell was very upset that as of this moment there is no real clear plan or notes in my records, or that I was out for 3 hours before I had called her. I know I should have called her and not left her in the dark but I was so out of it I passed out and just could not stay awake let alone walk with the meds I was on.

            I guess I should go get my morning meds, since it is after 2 PM and I am feeling so low. Then again, that’s all I do is become depressed and I wish these ECT’s would kick in faster. I don’t know if raising my medications will help but I am now getting to the point where I am so tired of all this effecting my family the way that it does. It always boils down to my feelings, my depression and that it seems that I can’t consider other peoples feelings. I just wish the change I am heading for will come faster and sooner then later.

Just a few thoughts.

            Today is Sunday afternoon and I am still in the hospital going for my second ECT in the morning. This evening they will come and put the IV Stint in where they placed the meds to put me to sleep. I think this time I am going to stop having anything to eat or drink after 7 PM this time. Now that I know what to expect I know just what to expect and what not to expect. We shall see.

 

            Yesterday I went home on an eight hour pass, which was good to see the kids have not changed a whole lot. Wish they would step up and help their mother, especially when they know that Daddy is coming home for a visit. I was happy to see the driveway done from all the snow. I did not know we had that much snow on the ground and they are expecting much more over the next couple days. It’s the possibility of Freezing Ice that I did not go home on a pass today and the Doctor asked if I wanted to stay until Wednesday because of the bad weather we are suppose to get on Monday. It is so uncommon that a Doctor not only cares about the problem you are having but takes in to consideration the family who has to pick you up, he actually asked if I wanted to have family drive in the snow. He said we can decide when we know better when Monday comes around and we get a better idea what the weather is going to be.

            Last night I had a pretty bad night sleep, I think it had to do with the one argument I had with one of the nurses who was coming across that we all had a choice in our past and how our past was played out. Not exactly something that you tell a survivor or someone who is on a road to recovery. I also noticed 3 other patients in the room who were very bothered and upset, two walked out and the other and I stayed because I was upset and angry over what was being said. I was not going to put up with what this guy was saying after finally getting over the fact that I I was not to blame and I did not ask for this. I was not going to head back to thinking this, I was not going to regress on that thinking.

            Today I am also having a problem with some memory issues, more so then normal. I seem to forget things that happened a few minutes ago to a couple days ago. I don’t know if it is the drop in the meds, or change in the meds that has caused it or if the ECT has caused a little memory problems. At this point I am not really sure. I guess after Monday’s treatment I will get a better grip on if the memory is from the ECT or if it is more medication related.

            Well, I did not get a chance to write yesterday so I thought I would sit down and put down a few thoughts into text. I plan to do a blog tonight and see just how things go, see if I can remember my whole day or if there will be a lot more blank spots or gaps along the way. So I will continue this later in the evening. Until Next Time….