Road to Recovery: My own thoughts along my path.

     I previously blogged about walls that someone who has been abused will build inside their mind to protect themselves from further abuse and to hind behind from the abuse they have endured. These walls can sometimes be so strong that even the closest of family members or loved ones have great difficulty even getting a chance to peek beyond them for a chance to understand or to strengthen the bond one currently has with a person who has been abused.      For someone who has built these walls, even for them they find it very hard to ever let someone in fully. Often friendships and relationships are gripped with mistrust, skepticism and fear which is well hidden from the one whom the person is attached to. Although these issues are not the intention, they are a natural protection that comes from these walls and serve as the main source of stability in ones mind and life. For a loved one who has to deal with someone who has these walls, str...

      What surprises me even more is the fact that I have an alter that is the same way and in fact hates my wife. Just within the last several months after moving out and letting my alters run wild my one alter took to one female friend of mine and we had an affair. I don't remember anything from it, how it started, how it progressed, who made the first mood or anything. This created a very bad situation for me because I feel I did nothing wrong even though I did do something wrong. One of the biggest problems I have and depresses me the deepest is that when my wife and I argue she always addresses me and YOU. You did this, you did that or you betrayed us. I automatically going into a defencive mode because I did not do this, and yet in some way I did do this because my alters are a part of me. But how does one control alters and stop them from doing as they please or stop them from the damage they create of broken hearts and broken dreams?    ...

            When did we do that, seems to be the question I keep asking a lot these days, especially now that I have started my Electroconvulsive therapy (ECT). In fact, not only do I ask that question more often now I seriously have lost days from my memory as little as four days prior to my first treatment. It was something they said could happen, and I heard that everyone goes through it while having ECT but I did not expect how it would affect me or feel once it started with me.             On December 7 th I was admitted to the hospital around six o’clock in the evening, from the time I woke up till the time I arrived at the hospital is a total and complete blank. It is so blank, it is as if the whole day never happened and if it did I was not a part of it, or so I remember. Yet, everyone tells me what I did, I know we did purchase a snow blower, from where I have no ide...

            Today is a mile stone in my daughter’s life and again my illness has me away from the event. Something she wanted me to be at for the longest time, take her to her driver’s license road test. Just like several major events in my children’s lives I am not able to attend to see how she will do and the reaction she will have when the instructor hands her the pass/fail slip. This time however I am in the hospital receiving ECT treatments, which today happened to be my sixth one.             I have yet to truly experience if I have started to feel less depressed or anxiety, but I have noticed that my tremors have increased a tad bit however I do not feel the need to hide in my room like when I am home and retreat to my bedroom. I do wonder what affect this has had on my DID or my Alters as I have not had any communication with any of them. I still sense the presence of K...

        Many times while writing in this blog my mind becomes so empty or I forget the topic I wanted to write about it just makes me mad. Today for example, I heard a song and thought, that’s a great topic to write about and tell how it affects me as a survivor, but do you think I can remember the song? They tell me that memory loss is related to severe depression and if that is true then I really need to come out of it really soon before I totally loose my memory for good. It’s weird to start a sentence and stop forgetting that you were even talking let alone what you were talking about. Some time back I mentioned how I forget my way home and don’t recognize where I am at let alone forget the things I have done.         The mind is truly amazing in so many ways, it holds all our thoughts and memories while controlling out bodies all at the same time. The past which we live are memories that we o...

       I am 44 years old working and dealing with my past that goes back as far as 37 years ago. So why is it so hard to deal with it, hard to accept and worst off, live with it now? I have known all my life that there was something different about me, I knew there was abuse that had happened and until now it never bothered me. So why now, what makes today any different then yesterday? This is a question that has been asked of me and to be honest I have asked myself as well.        Remembering and feeling the past are actually two different things within the same mind. One is a memory that does not really stay in the front of your mind. It comes and goes as fast as remembering your childhood phone number when you see a set of numbers that are very close to what your number was. Feeling the past puts a whole new spin on viewing the past, remembering that past and reliving what you went through. We know that...

       Say hello to my little friend, a phrase that was coined in a movie that has become very popular. So why do these six little words make me feel weird, different and somewhat scared? All my adult life I was told that I sometimes acted like a little kid, I must have an inner child that likes to take over my body and play games. I would laugh it off, sometimes even joking about it or even playing around a little more acting just as a child would. So what's the big deal right? Everyone has a little child inside of them when they want to get away from the stress and anxiety that go along with being an adult. That one moment where they can break free and just become someone they are not.        So why do I bring this up or even mention it? What is the big deal about a person who likes to joke or play around a little? The real reason I bring this up is there are a couple Little Friends that can be discussed, your inner ch...

       OK, I am confused in fact I am really confused and I do mean REALLY confused. I feel like I am loosing my mind piece by piece but my wife says that my alters are really starting to come out more and more. Here is what is going on.        Several nights ago I had picked the kids up at school and bring them home, no problem. I was speaking to them and when I finished my sentence they all said "Yeah and what". I was very confused and had no idea what they were asking me. My daughter said "Dad, you said guess what and then just stopped". I looked her dead in the face and asked what she was talking about. I did not know that I had said something more past what my sentence was. The fact that they all asked means that I must have said it; I just did not remember it at all.        Last night while moving my utility trailer back towards the house with my ATV we were backing up the machine to the ...

I borrowed these two sentences from a post on a board I am a member of: "Nothing seems real to me. I don’t really feel emotion at all. It’s like i am dead inside. When I look straight ahead, it’s like there is this wall blocking me from reality and trapping me inside my own head." "My perp may not have killed my body but he certainly murdered my soul."        OMG that sounded like I was posting those two comments. I have always wondered why I never really have no feelings, feelings that make up a person. I was a member of a Fire Department and to deal with loss of life, loss of property and loss of loved ones never bothered me and to be honest I had no opinion about. Even in my relationship with my wife, I knew I was very happy with her when we were dating but it was not until a moment that I would never see her again that a feeling hit me. I knew this was love and I reacted to this feeling and have been with her now over 20 years. If we did not make th...