I have no feelings.


I borrowed these two sentences from a post on a board I am a member of:
  • "Nothing seems real to me. I don’t really feel emotion at all. It’s like i am dead inside. When I look straight ahead, it’s like there is this wall blocking me from reality and trapping me inside my own head."
  • "My perp may not have killed my body but he certainly murdered my soul."
       OMG that sounded like I was posting those two comments. I have always wondered why I never really have no feelings, feelings that make up a person. I was a member of a Fire Department and to deal with loss of life, loss of property and loss of loved ones never bothered me and to be honest I had no opinion about. Even in my relationship with my wife, I knew I was very happy with her when we were dating but it was not until a moment that I would never see her again that a feeling hit me. I knew this was love and I reacted to this feeling and have been with her now over 20 years. If we did not make the decisions we made back then I wonder if I would have realized it was love and it was her that I wanted to be with.

       Several years ago I had an affair with a woman that she and I were friends with. When I was faced with the situation I could see what was going on, I knew in my mind what was going on but I had no control over what was going on. This was a person, who I would have never touched had I been in control, and yet after it was over and I was on my way home I really had no feeling about what had just happened. For years prior, I was taught that there was a difference between making love and just having sex and to me this was just sex. Just like you do not feel guilty over eating a doughnut even though you know it will help you gain weight and is not good for your body. I felt no guilt about what had happened. One thing I knew in my mind it was wrong and that was the reason I went to my wife and told her what happened. This was a woman that I had no feelings towards and yet it happened.

       Was it my disassociation that caused me to do this? Is it an excuse that I have to explain what and why it happened? Fact is, I was not diagnosed with DID years after this took place and yet the same lack of feelings that the other person described above that I had or did not have. This is the worst experience I have had with what I know now is Disassociation Disorder. This explains too how many things have happened in my past that I did not and do not remember. I do know that currently I have three alters that have come forward in one way or another. The youngest is Keith who is 8 years old, which just so happens to be the age that my sexual abuse started. The other is Robert who is 11 years old; who I think is the age that most the horrific things happened to me. Last is Michael who I do not know much about. I do know that he sits on what I call a plate, spinning in circles and does not talk. I have no idea what this means but I am sure it will come to me someday when he is ready to let me know who and why he is here.

       I do understand and can fully relate to what this person had said. When my mind went on me back in February 2010 I kept telling people that I felt as if I knew what was going on yet I had no control over what was happening. It was the only way I could describe how I felt, how I was acting and why some the things I said all came out. I described that it was like I had a little boy inside me, it was June, 10 that I found I was DID. When I first learned I was in shock and did not believe it could be true and happening to me. What my wife and I did find out thru reading my medical records is that I had this problem for many years going back to the age of around 8. They had done 3 EEG's before I was age 18 and it was the last one where the doctor commented that I should be referred to a Mental Health Professional, which I was never taken to.

       Well, I am going to sign off for now. I read this and had to get what I was thinking out as soon as I could before I forgot. Which I wish I could stop doing, forgetting. It is becoming so bad that sometimes I don't even remember saying things that I said even 2 min prior. That stinks, believe me.....

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