Depression, how it feels to me.

       **NOTE** Since I write on my blog mostly around or after midnight this post is going to be referring to Wednesday October, 27th, 2010.

       Yesterday was one of the most depressing days I have had since all this started back in February. It was for sure up in the top 10 of depressing days where I was so low I would have to look up if I wanted to look at an ant. Depression for me is the second most debilitating thing that I am going thru, it takes everything I have just to breathe and force myself to make it thru the day. These are days that I find I will end up fighting with my wife, not dealing with the children and staying in bed just about the whole day. It becomes a major struggle to bother to sit up to eat or get up to go to the bathroom. Believe me, this is one thing that I know a whole lot of people deal with and I am no different yet even knowing that on the outside, the inside still needs to understand this.

       When I become depressed it seems to start out as an empty feeling in the pit of my stomach. From there it just blows up like a new balloon hooked up to a tank of gas that is thicker then air so I drop fast. I often tell my wife the best way to describe how I feel when I am depressed is that my body implodes. It is like a black hole in the center of my body or soul that just sucks everything inward, my thoughts, my happiness, my feelings and all my energy. My body thru this will actually feel as if the weight of everything becomes a part of my body. It will actually feel my shoulders start to droop and become very heavy in weight. My arms and legs will start to become almost numb from the lack of energy I have and that I can't even seem to hold them up, all I want to do is sleep. What makes it worse is that my mind starts spinning, my thoughts and vision almost becomes black and white with almost a tunnel like vision where I just seem to zero in on one thing or object although I don't really focus on it.

       I am one that does not believe in suicide; however the thought has crossed my mind several times. Some people cut, some people do other things to deal with the pain they are feeling on the inside. Depression is not really a pain yet it does have the same affect on ones self in the fact that where pain is localized to the spot of injury depression is a real bodily feeling felt inside. I do realize that I do act out when I am depressed. For example, yesterday I deleted everyone off my personal Facebook who was not a direct relative and I then went and completely cleared out my wall. I mean there are no posts, no links, no videos nothing to show that I have done anything on Facebook. I then turned around and deleted all chat programs off my computer like Yahoo and MSN Chat. I went thru my email address book and started deleting numbers and addresses I had saved for future use like Wal-Mart, my insurance company and old friends. Numbers that I can't replace or people on Facebook that I used to play games with. I used to go shopping and buy something that made me feel good no matter if I could afford it or not, which put us a little in debt that took a little bit to get out of.

       I am on medication for my depression however they don't seem to work a lot of the time. I have been on them for several years however since February came about the depression has become so deep that they don't seem to be working too well. I have felt better on some days but the depression is so easy to come on that it often just takes over before I realize that I am depressed. That is one weird feeling is to be something that you don't know you’re heading into. It's like, why am I so depressed now and what caused me to become depressed. Problem is, most times I do not know, like yesterday I don't know what took me so low. It was so bad, I called and canceled my appointment to my Counselor. Pretty bad when the depression forces you to not go to the one source that is helping me to get out of it. You might say that Depression seems to take on a life of its own. I once met someone who was DID as I am and also goes thru the depression as I do. She told me that if she catches it soon enough and treats it like an alter she can have some control over it, but I have not been able to do this, stay grounded as I do when I start to drift off into another place or alter. But the difference is that when one of my alters comes out, I can feel when the change is starting to take place and my wife can also see a change in me, my face and personality.

       I will be most honest with you and open as I can. I know I am not different then anyone else who suffers from the same things as I do but I have to say I hate depression. I hate the way it makes me feel, I hate what it does to me, I hate the way I act out when it hits, and I regret after every bad day I have of the things I did while in this state which are something I can't get back. It is better then cutting or ending it all, but no matter how one feels or deals with it, depression is all the same. It brings you down, your self esteem goes down, you hate yourself, you hate others, you feel alone, you feel lost and most of all you begin to think that it is never going to get better. I can't say that it is going to get better; I do know it is going to have to get worse for me before it gets better so I know I am on one heck of a heavy road when it comes to my road to recovery. Bottom line, depression stinks but it is one thing that controls my life and I hate it more then some can imagine. Till next time......

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