Start of my blog...
Tonight I decided to start a blog about my road to recovery from years of abuse. The posts here will be what it feels like to have been abused, accounts of flashbacks both mental and physical, what happened in my past, what caused me to become disabled and out of work since February 12th, 2010, what happens during my day here at home with my family, comments about how my family feels and how they react to different things that happen.
First off, my sexual abuse started when I was five years old when my older brother (Older by 4 years) forced my sister (Younger by 3 years) to engage in intercourse while he watched, and placed his hand down to make sure I had entered her. It continued until I was 15 years old when he severely beat me as he raped me anal with painful and strong force. I was also abused by two other adults, one a teacher and the other a youth minister. My brother abused me often both sexually and physically with both his hands and other objects. Objects such as shooting me with a BB gun, throwing darts into my back and legs. I have obtained my medical records from when I was born till I was out of my home at age 19. There are pages and pages of emergency room visits from cuts and bruises to broken leg and hands. Some of these I have no recall of them happening nor do I remember even being treated for them. Example I was taken to the ER for an upper respitory infection; however the doctor made a note about a Split Penis and bruising of my scrotum. The comments stated that I fell on the Ice and this is what caused it, I was 11 years old and have no recall of this and question how I could fall and do this damage.
My abuse also came from my parents, my mother who was fully aware of the sexual abuse my brother was inflicting on my sister and I, and my father who was an alcoholic and often beat me. Some of these beatings I remember and also have them confirmed in my medical records such as cuts to my face from a belt buckle, lesions that required stitches where the doctor was told stories where it was not true. Mental abuse as I witnessed my mother try and commit suicide by cutting her wrist (I was the only child who saw it) and my father who tried to shoot himself in front of me when the gun gammed. My mother held suicide over my head till the day she died even though I was married and living 1400 miles away from her. After being abused for so long they had such control over me I did not even know it.
I never spoke up until my brother abused his son, at which I became so angry I turned him in. They found 30 other children he abused (My mother knew about these as well) and he is serving a life plus 30 years. His wife, who was also involved in this became states witness and served 5 years for her roll. The DA stated at that time "This is the most dangerous pedophile I have ever convicted or have seen in all the years of being a DA"
What caused me to go out on Disability is that in February 2010 I was admitted to the hospital for rectal bleeding. Bleeding that has come and gone from what I thought was age 16 till now, but medical records show that it started at age 8. They found an unhealed tear in my rectum known as a fissure, when I asked if it could have gone so far back to age 15 when I was raped and he said yes. This cause me to become very depressed but not over the edge. I was sent to a rectal surgeon who preformed a procedure that felt the same as when I was raped and I was forced to walk around for 3 days with this pain that no med or cream would take away. It was then that I had a mental breakdown, had flashback over flashback, nightmares, loss of weight and appetite, fears of sleeping, leaving my home, loss of memory, shakes all over my body and physical flashbacks where I am forced to feel the pain as I relive the abuse over and over.
I do hope that these posts will help others out there; these posts will come from me and me only. They may be way off to the left one day then off to the right the next. They may be in forms of letters to family members or just blurts that is very hard to understand. The reason I say this, I have also been diagnosed with Disassociate Disorder which the brain stops time in my mind at a point of severe abuse and continues on like a new part of me. Currently I have 3 parts, Keith who is 8 years old, Robert who is 11 and Michael who I know nothing about. The reason I mention this is when I type they often will come out and take over the writing so much that I will not remember what was written and will also learn of new things. So all I ask is patience where you may have to read over again to catch the idea that is being written.
Well, I will sign off for now as it is 03:45 and I am going to go check some emails and my Facebook. Another night of not being able to sleep because today was one of the worst days for flashbacks, blacking out (where I just don't remember what happens when I go thru this including not knowing my wife is next to me trying to talk to me) and shakes. So until my next post I hope you will start to get to know me thru my writings and also somehow understand what it will be like to be on this road to sexual abuse recovery..
First off, my sexual abuse started when I was five years old when my older brother (Older by 4 years) forced my sister (Younger by 3 years) to engage in intercourse while he watched, and placed his hand down to make sure I had entered her. It continued until I was 15 years old when he severely beat me as he raped me anal with painful and strong force. I was also abused by two other adults, one a teacher and the other a youth minister. My brother abused me often both sexually and physically with both his hands and other objects. Objects such as shooting me with a BB gun, throwing darts into my back and legs. I have obtained my medical records from when I was born till I was out of my home at age 19. There are pages and pages of emergency room visits from cuts and bruises to broken leg and hands. Some of these I have no recall of them happening nor do I remember even being treated for them. Example I was taken to the ER for an upper respitory infection; however the doctor made a note about a Split Penis and bruising of my scrotum. The comments stated that I fell on the Ice and this is what caused it, I was 11 years old and have no recall of this and question how I could fall and do this damage.
My abuse also came from my parents, my mother who was fully aware of the sexual abuse my brother was inflicting on my sister and I, and my father who was an alcoholic and often beat me. Some of these beatings I remember and also have them confirmed in my medical records such as cuts to my face from a belt buckle, lesions that required stitches where the doctor was told stories where it was not true. Mental abuse as I witnessed my mother try and commit suicide by cutting her wrist (I was the only child who saw it) and my father who tried to shoot himself in front of me when the gun gammed. My mother held suicide over my head till the day she died even though I was married and living 1400 miles away from her. After being abused for so long they had such control over me I did not even know it.
I never spoke up until my brother abused his son, at which I became so angry I turned him in. They found 30 other children he abused (My mother knew about these as well) and he is serving a life plus 30 years. His wife, who was also involved in this became states witness and served 5 years for her roll. The DA stated at that time "This is the most dangerous pedophile I have ever convicted or have seen in all the years of being a DA"
What caused me to go out on Disability is that in February 2010 I was admitted to the hospital for rectal bleeding. Bleeding that has come and gone from what I thought was age 16 till now, but medical records show that it started at age 8. They found an unhealed tear in my rectum known as a fissure, when I asked if it could have gone so far back to age 15 when I was raped and he said yes. This cause me to become very depressed but not over the edge. I was sent to a rectal surgeon who preformed a procedure that felt the same as when I was raped and I was forced to walk around for 3 days with this pain that no med or cream would take away. It was then that I had a mental breakdown, had flashback over flashback, nightmares, loss of weight and appetite, fears of sleeping, leaving my home, loss of memory, shakes all over my body and physical flashbacks where I am forced to feel the pain as I relive the abuse over and over.
I do hope that these posts will help others out there; these posts will come from me and me only. They may be way off to the left one day then off to the right the next. They may be in forms of letters to family members or just blurts that is very hard to understand. The reason I say this, I have also been diagnosed with Disassociate Disorder which the brain stops time in my mind at a point of severe abuse and continues on like a new part of me. Currently I have 3 parts, Keith who is 8 years old, Robert who is 11 and Michael who I know nothing about. The reason I mention this is when I type they often will come out and take over the writing so much that I will not remember what was written and will also learn of new things. So all I ask is patience where you may have to read over again to catch the idea that is being written.
Well, I will sign off for now as it is 03:45 and I am going to go check some emails and my Facebook. Another night of not being able to sleep because today was one of the worst days for flashbacks, blacking out (where I just don't remember what happens when I go thru this including not knowing my wife is next to me trying to talk to me) and shakes. So until my next post I hope you will start to get to know me thru my writings and also somehow understand what it will be like to be on this road to sexual abuse recovery..
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